


When the Levee Breaks

by flyy0ufools



Series: Zoso [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Coming Out, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt, Switching, basically it's got everything, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-08 18:37:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 55,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10393563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyy0ufools/pseuds/flyy0ufools
Summary: Season 14 is the last season of Supernatural. The show is ending at 300 episodes, and Jared and Jensen have big plans for their future...plans that don't involve wives or bearding or lying to everyone. But even the best-laid plans go awry...It all comes to a head at the series wrap party, and Jensen has to figure out a way to help Jared pick up the pieces, making sure he himself doesn't fall apart in the process.





	1. Hiatus

The doorbell’s gentle chiming woke Jensen; he didn’t realize he’d started dozing on the couch, but he wasn’t surprised. Lazy summer days in the sweltering heat of Texas only ever made him want to do one of four things: hang out in his pool in the backyard, go boating on the lake, hit up the Austin music festival, or fall asleep in the comfort of his air-conditioned house. He dragged himself up off the couch and over to the door. When he opened it, an official-looking folder was pushed into his hands, along with a tablet to sign for it.

“Thanks,” the FedEx guy said monotonously, not giving Jensen a second glance before jogging down the driveway back to his truck.

Jensen shut the door and studied the mail for a second before ripping the top off and pulling out a surprisingly thick pile of papers, and then it clicked.

“Hey, Jay!” he called out, walking back through the living room while reading the top paper. Jared was moving around the kitchen intensely, looking like he was trying to prepare a three-course meal when he was actually just pulling out bread and deli meat for a decidedly non-fancy sandwich.

“Jared…” Jensen waved the papers under Jared’s face, causing him to look up. He pulled ear buds out and Jensen could hear the faint tones of Jared’s newest music obsession.

“What’s that?” he asked, and Jensen laid the papers on the counter.

“Finalized divorce papers,” Jensen replied, grinning stupidly. Jared eyes flashed up to Jensen’s before going back to the papers.

“That’s…that’s great, man.” Jensen’s smile slid of his face and turned into a slight frown.

“Jay…what’s wrong?” Jared looked back up at Jensen.

“Nothing. This is great.” Jared sighed, then smiled. “I’m just thinking about how big of a step this is for us. Jen, this…this is  _huge._ ” Jensen grinned again.

“I know, baby. We’re finally starting to unravel the last – god, eleven years? You know I still wonder if we made the wrong choices back then—“

“Jen! I know you wish it could’ve been different. God,  _I know_. But what’s done is done, and…” Jared drifted off, deep in thought. Jensen stayed silent, letting his partner piece together his thoughts. “At the end of the day, Jen, the most important thing is that we were able to not only stay together but work together this whole time. That makes it all worth it, to me.”

Jared smiled at Jensen, and Jensen couldn’t help but return the grin. But Jensen wasn’t sure he agreed with Jared; of course he agreed about them staying together, but especially in the last few years, Jensen had really worried about Jared’s mental health and how the show, the lying, the bearding and the demands and pretty much  _everything_  was probably making it worse.

And then, on top of all of that, their plans had changed drastically in the spring. It had been a year since their last kid was born, and Jared was finally going to file for divorce. Jensen could see the tension and stress just melting off Jared as they got everything prepared. And then Danneel had broken the news that threw everything sideways: she’d met someone, someone she wanted to be with, and she asked if she and Jensen could go through with the divorce first so that she would be able to fully move on.

Neither Jensen nor Jared could deny her this request, but it meant that Jared would have to postpone his own divorce from Genevieve. They still had at least a season left on the show, and getting divorced at the same time, under so much scrutiny…they knew that certain people wouldn’t allow it to happen. So they adapted, still moving forward, taking that big step, but some days Jensen could glimpse Jared’s happiness crack slightly. The days like when a picture of him appeared on Gen’s social media even though he was lying in bed in Vancouver with Jensen; weekends when Genevieve showed up at a con (though those were becoming more and more rare, thankfully); when the network insisted that Genevieve accompany Jared on the red carpet for some awards show, even though it was  _Jensen_  who belonged at his side,  _Jensen_  who fit perfect into Jared,  _Jensen_  who wanted to flaunt and kiss and do everything that instead Jared had to do with Gen, all while trying to hide grimaces and looks of disappointment and anger bordering on fury.

So when the papers declaring Jensen a free man from his (now ex) wife were met with a bittersweet smile from his real partner, Jensen knew exactly why.

“Babe…” he started, not sure what to say. He took the papers from Jared’s hands and laid them on the counter, then wrapped him in a warm hug. Jensen pressed his cheek against Jared’s and whispered in his ear, “We’ll do yours soon, okay? I promise.” He felt Jared give the tiniest nod of acknowledgement, but Jensen just kept hugging him, kept holding him, trying to convey  _I understand_  and  _I’m so sorry we had to do it this way_ and  _Soon, so soon,_   _I promise I promise I promise_ and  _I love you so much_ with just the grip of his arms tight around Jared, the solid weight of his body against his lover, and a slow kiss to the temple. It seemed to be enough, at least for now.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Less than a week later, they were headed to San Diego for the biggest con of the year. Over the years, Jensen had grown to love doing conventions, though most of that was because of Jared. Jared made it easy, made it fun, made it enjoyable, and Jensen secretly loved slipping in  _moments_  throughout the panels, moments that had largely contributed to a certain section of the fandom believing the true nature about their relationship. And he held that close to his chest because it gave him the hope, the knowledge that they could eventually reveal it everything without being shunned by all their fans. He used to think  _Maybe someday_ ; now, he thought  _Soon,_  and it felt like the most beautiful word to ever exist.

The main panel went well. They were joined by the usual suspects; Rob and Rich asking them questions kept the tenor of the panel light and humorous, and they had some good laughs. Then they headed to Nerd HQ, Mark and Misha in tow. That was always Jensen’s favorite panel to do, out of every con in every city throughout the entire year, because the audience asked questions that were sometimes thoughtful and usually downright hilarious, and most importantly, there had never been a crying fangirl assaulting Jared with stories and tears and everything that Jensen worked so hard to make Jared forget, at least for a little while.

All in all, ComicCon 2018 was fun yet relatively uneventful, and Jensen was perfectly fine with that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They headed back up to Vancouver immediately after, which gave them about a week to settle in and relax. They’d gotten confirmation that this would be the last season; the network wanted to end at 300 episodes. Jensen couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief when he’d found out. He loved the show, he loved Dean, he  _really_  loved working with Jared…but fourteen years was a long time, and he needed a break. He needed a break for himself, sure, but he also needed a break from seeing Jared get worn down over and over. Jensen was always mildly worried about Jared, partially because of Jared’s demons that Jensen didn’t know how to fix,  _couldn’t_  fix, but also so much more than that: it was the blinding love that Jensen had for him, not to mention the raging terror of the idea of anything happening to Jared.

Jensen didn’t think Jared was weak; it was exactly the opposite; he’d never met anyone stronger. But everyone had a breaking point, and Jared had toed the line of his multiple times already. Jensen thought that if they were able to take a breather, get certain pressures off them, especially in regards to their personal lives…well, that definitely couldn’t be a bad thing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They made it through three weeks of filming before it was time for the next con. Fortunately, this one was in Vancouver so they didn’t have to travel anywhere. Unfortunately, this was the moment when the precarious house of cards they’d painstakingly built over the last decade began to collapse.


	2. Vancouver

The weekend started off well, what with them not having to fly anywhere, just getting to enjoy hanging out in Vancouver with all their friends, and going on their customary Saturday date night. The morning panel on Sunday was low-key, with most of the typical questions and flirty banter they knew the fans loved to see.

It was the afternoon panel when things started to go wrong.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As the audience’s laughter finally died down from Jared’s latest mini-shenanigan, the next person stepped up to the microphone. Jensen swiveled in his chair to look in her direction.

“Hi, my question is for both of you!” She sounded excited, like this was probably her first convention, so Jensen was hoping that she would have a good question that he could give a great answer to. He loved questions that pushed him to analyze the show and his character, seeing them in a whole new light even after fourteen years. He also loved questions about Jared because, well, he loved Jared, and he always jumped at the chance to talk about the amazing person that was his partner.

“Great! Let’s hear it,” Jared grinned.

“Okay, so I was wondering how come your wives don’t live up here in Vancouver with you guys during filming?”

A whisper tore through the crowd, and it took Jensen a second to process the question. The girl had asked it in such a sweet and innocent voice that he decided she probably was genuinely curious, not trying to start shit. But her intention didn’t matter, as Jensen realized that this was definitely about to start some shit.

He looked at Jared who was already searching Jensen’s face, a look of surprise and concern and  _Oh, shit_  warring for dominance in his own expression. Because Jensen immediately recognized that this was one of those lose-lose questions, one that they obviously couldn’t answer honestly but they couldn’t flat-out refuse to answer either, because that would also raise some questions and eyebrows.

“Just…give us a minute, please,” Jensen said into the mic, then moved over to Jared so they could talk privately, frantically try to figure out what to say.

“Fuck, Jared, what do we say?”

“Shit, I dunno. I knew the wife questions would happen at some point, but I thought that it would be, well, not  _this_  question.” Jared was studying Jensen, and when he saw how tense Jensen had become in just few short seconds, he threw his arm around Jensen’s shoulders to try and calm him down.

“Fuck. I guess I have to say something. This is gonna be so awkward.” Jensen was chewing on his lip. His eyes were darting around nervously like he was a mouse caught in a trap.

“Well, if we tell them maybe they’ll back off with the family questions for a few months.”

“True,” Jensen sighed, but he still looked anxious and jittery.

“Hey, Jen,” Jared murmured, “how about you go backstage for a few minutes and I can tell them about the divorce real quick. Then we won’t have to bother answering the actual question, and I’m sure everyone will be completely understanding about why you didn’t want to say anything yourself.” Jensen’s eyes finally met Jared’s and he gave a sharp nod before handing Jared his mic and walking quickly backstage, not looking back.

He lingered just behind the curtain where he could still hear Jared clearly.

“Jensen had to take a quick break. So, look…” Jared hesitated; Jensen could imagine he was trying to figure out exactly what to say. Jensen heard Jared take a deep breath and let it out as a long sigh before he continued. “This was kept pretty quiet so I’m sure y’all haven’t heard anything, but Jensen and Danneel got divorced this summer.”

Jensen could hear the crowd whispering in shock, and he could imagine how many phones were being whipped out, fingers flying over buttons to relate the news in 140 characters or less.

“So we’d really appreciate it if y’all would hold off on the family questions for the next—“ Before Jared could finish, he was interrupted by a different fan.

“When are you and Genevieve getting divorced?” Jensen just managed to make out the question behind the muffle of the curtains. His eyebrows flew up in surprise.

“Uh, when are Gen and I getting divorced, is that what you said? Who said that?” he said it laughingly, trying to play it off as a joke, but Jensen could tell Jared was faking it, hard.

“Yeah, you and Jensen do everything at the same time!” a fan—maybe the same one, maybe a different one, it didn’t matter—called out.

“Uhhm…” Jared stammered. Jensen could tell he was floundering, so he slid back through the curtain opening and hopped back up onto the platform. He strode over to Jared and casually threw his arm over his partner’s shoulders, then took Jared’s mic.

“All right, Jared and I are gonna take a quick break,” he told the audience, then turned to Billy. “You guys have a few songs you can play?” he asked. Billy nodded in understanding, and Jensen nodded back in thanks before turning to the crowd again. “We’ll be back in a few minutes.”

He pulled Jared around by his shoulders and they walked quickly offstage. Safely behind the curtain again, Jensen turned to face Jared and grabbed both of his shoulders.

“You okay?” Jared just shrugged. “You know they were kidding, right? I mean, they can’t…they wouldn’t know…” Jensen trailed off, not really sure what to say to calm his partner. They stood there in silence for a minute before Jensen spoke again. “Jay, talk to me. What’s bothering you? I know it’s not just what they said.”

Jared sniffed, then looked up at Jensen. “What if…what if I have to push mine back even farther now? I can’t—“ his voice broke and Jensen immediately pulled him into a tight hug.

“Shh, baby,” he soothed. “That’s not gonna happen, okay? We’ll give it a few more months just like we planned, and no one will even remember one offhand remark at a random con, okay? I promise.” Just then he heard a scuffle and three seconds later Rob came charging into them.

“Wha—“ Jensen started and Rob slapped his hand over Jensen’s mouth.

“Your mic!” he whispered frantically. Jensen looked around in confusion before he saw his mic that he’d handed to Jared earlier sticking out of the pocket of Jared’s jacket. He looked up at Jared whose eyes were wide in panic. Rob took his hand off Jensen’s mouth and reached over to carefully grab the mic. He flicked the off button, then said gravely, “Your mic was on.”

“Shit.  _Shit_. Rob, what’d they hear?” Jared asked frantically. He let go of Jensen and started pacing back in forth, pulling his beanie off and tugging at his hair. Jensen stood frozen, eyes trained on Rob, waiting, petrified that Rob would say what he knew he was going to say.

“Everything.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A few minutes later Rich arrived, joining the silent group of three.

“Guys, we need to figure out what to do pretty quick here. The longer you’re back here, the worse it looks.” Rich looked more concerned than he’d ever been, except for when they’d gotten news of Rob’s stroke.

Jensen shared a glance with Jared, having a silent but quick conversation. It ended when they both realized that they had no idea how to get out of this one.

“We don’t—I’m not sure—“ Jensen tried to finish a sentence but he couldn’t even finish a  _thought_  right now. Rob was pacing now, running his hands through his hair. He stopped suddenly and looked up at them, a glimmer of hope in his eyes.

“You guys could play it off as a joke. Because of what that fan yelled out, you came back here knowing your mic was still on and…you were just fucking with them?” He’d started off strong but ended like even he himself wasn’t convinced that it would work. Jared blew out a frustrated breath.

“I know we’re actors, but I’m not sure we could pull that off. And even if we could somehow go out there not looking like—“ he gestured to his own expression and then Jensen’s, both showing many emotions but none of which were humor, “I don’t know if they’ll believe us,” he finished with a sigh.

“Yeah, but if we ignore it, or just leave now,” Jensen pointed out, “I mean, that’s gonna be so much worse.”

“Shit,” Jared groaned. Jensen dropped his head back, trying to control his anger. He was thankful they were somewhere where he didn’t have the option of punching a wall because he figured that he probably would’ve had a broken hand by now. There were a few more tense minutes of silence before Rich jumped in.

“What if we do what Rob suggested, but to make it more believable, he and I will come out on stage right after you guys and act all surprised and shit, like you got us good too. You think that might work?” he asked hopefully. Jensen nodded thoughtfully.

“Honestly, it’s probably our best shot, and if we stay back here any longer, it won’t matter what our excuse is, no one will believe it.” He looked over at Jared who was nodding in agreement.

“Yeah. Honestly probably couldn’t make it any worse.”

“Right. We’ll go out, you guys come out right after we tell the crowd it was a joke, act all flustered or whatever.” Jensen paused while he tried to collect himself. “I guess we’ll just have to wing it.” He turned towards Jared just as his partner enveloped him in a hug.

“Tell me this’ll work,” he whispered so that only Jensen could hear. Jensen couldn’t say it, though. He couldn’t lie to Jared, so he did the next best thing and kissed him.

“Whatever happens,” he murmured, cupping Jared’s cheeks, “I promise I’ll be here.” Jared nodded. It was enough. Jensen knew, because Jared being there was enough for him as well. He let out a quick breath and they stepped apart, fixed matching scheming grins on their faces, and headed back to the stage to face the unknown.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The ruse seemed to work, though the rest of the panel had a strange mood to it, and Jensen thought that he really didn’t want to see what some of the fandom would be saying tomorrow. He was worried. Really worried.

And then people laughed, nobody asked anymore family questions, the boys joked around (although they stopped touching and kept the flirting to a minimum), and Jensen thought that they might get through it without actually fucking it up despite their best efforts. Of course, that would have been too easy. Towards the very end of the panel, a girl stepped up to the mic and Jensen knew immediately that this was not going to end well.

She was already crying, tears running down her face, and Jensen  _knew_ , he knew for certain that this girl was going to pull everything out of Jared. Because on a normal day, Jared could usually handle people like this—even if it did exhaust him. But this had not been an ordinary day, and Jensen himself was drained, so he knew Jared would be completely tapped out. He couldn’t let this happen, not again, and maybe it was a lack of oxygen getting to his brain or bad decision-making due to stress but he reached over and plucked Jared’s mic out of his hands before Jared could say anything.

“Sorry to cut this a few minutes short but we have to get going now. Y’all have a good day.” He was curt, not quite sounding angry but definitely not sounding pleasant either, and he steered a dumbstruck Jared off the stage. When they got backstage he made sure that both mics were off before he turned to Jared.

“She was going to—“

“I know,” Jared said. “I know. Thanks.”

“Damn, Jay. This is…this is not good. People are gonna be pissed.”

“You think the fans’ll be mad?” Jared asked. His eyes were closed and he was dragging a hand through his hair over and over. Jensen knew that Jared was starting to shut down.

“No, I think the fans will be freaking out, in a good way, I guess. But… _them_ , Jay. They’re gonna be livid,” Jensen said quietly, and Jared’s face went white.

“ _Shit_.” Jared was getting a lot of use out of that word today.

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed. “Let’s just go home, get some rest. We can’t do anything about it tonight, right?”

“Mmm…”

“And it’s the last season. Whatever hold they have over us, it’s almost gone.”

“Yeah,” Jared breathed out. “Yeah. Okay. Let’s go home.”


	3. The Day After

It turned out that Jensen was right to be worried. They had barely gotten home and undressed, ready to crawl into bed, when both of their phones started ringing incessantly. They tried to ignore it for a few minutes but the missed calls and voicemails and texts piled up quickly. By this point, Jensen knew that even if he turned off his phone he wouldn’t be able to sleep; the anxiety over the day’s events had buried into his skin like a tick.

“We should just get this over with,” Jared sighed, voicing Jensen’s thoughts.

“Hm…”

“Hello,” Jared answer his phone. His voice was dull and he was rubbing his eyes in frustration. “Hey—wait—just hold on a minute, let me put you on speaker.” Jensen thought it wasn’t really necessary since the person who’d called was yelling so loudly that he could hear very clearly every single word being said, being screamed. As Jared changed the phone to speaker and a woman’s voice burst out, Jensen had to take a step back. It was so loud that it felt like a physical force had pushed him.

“—AND HOW COULD YOU BE SO CARELESS?! YOU KNOW WHAT’S AT STAKE! WE WERE FLEXIBLE WHEN YOU TOLD US YOU WANTED TO GET DIVORCED, WE LET THAT HAPPEN AGAINST OUR BETTER JUDGMENT AND NOW—“

“Stop!” Jensen had to repeat himself several times before the voice on the phone—Angela, Jensen finally recognized one of their “handlers” provided by the network—stopped the tirade.

“If you’re just going to yell at us, we’re going to hang up right now. If you want to have an actual  _conversation_ , well, we’re listening.” There was a loud huff before Angela began again, this time her voice not going above a normal decibel.

“How did this happen?” She sounded more tired than angry now.

“Did you hear the question that the fan asked?” Jared said.

“No, I just heard that you two said some…inappropriate things backstage when your mic was still on.”

“Angela, that’s not the whole story,” Jensen said.

“Then tell me.” Jensen looked at Jared and nodded his head, so Jared started from the beginning.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There was silence after Jared had finished recounting the story, with Jensen interjecting little bits and pieces every so often. Finally, Angela spoke.

“Well, that does make it a little more understandable…” Of all their handlers, Angela was one of the few that Jensen didn’t mind. He resented her because she was a reminder of everything he and Jared had had to go through that Jensen hated, but aside from her occasional outburst, Jensen swore that Angela was secretly rooting for them. So he was glad that she was the person they were talking to right now.

“It just caught us off guard,” Jensen said. “We didn’t know what to do. And obviously the mic thing was an accident.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Angela replied, “but it’s still not good, you guys. We have to make sure that the fans think it really was just a joke.” She paused for a minute before continuing. “I’ll talk to everyone and we’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Fine,” Jared said. He was tugging his hair again, and Jensen knew that it was time to shut this down.

“Angela, we gotta go. We just—we need—“

“I know,” she interrupted. “I understand. I’ll make sure no one here bothers you the rest of the night. I’m sorry all this happened, you guys. But…well, I’m just sorry. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She hung up and Jensen reached towards Jared, tugging him to the bed.

They fell back and Jensen wrapped Jared in his arms, rolling him over so that Jared was splayed on top of him. He ran his hands through Jared’s hair but didn’t say anything. He just waited.

“Make me forget everything,” Jared whispered, and Jensen knew exactly what he meant.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next day, Jensen was dreading the discussion they were about to have, and when he and Jared were called into Bob Singer’s office and he heard everyone who was on the line, his heart fell. Obviously there was Bob and Angela, but also a few other people from the network, Suzanne Gomez (whom Jensen  _loathed_ ), and even Eric fucking Kripke. Eric hadn’t been a part of the show in almost a decade, so if he was present for what was about to take place, Jensen knew that it was so much worse than he had expected.

He closed the office door a little too forcefully and the slamming noise echoed throughout the already-deadly silent room. Jensen flinched. He hadn’t meant to, but he only just realized how angry he was about all of this. He rubbed his hands over his face and followed Jared to the chairs facing Bob’s desk.

“Boys,” Bob greeted them somberly. Jensen tried to gauge exactly what Bob was thinking. Bob knew about their relationship, obviously, and had since almost the very beginning. He was one of the few people that supported them, but he also made it clear that they needed to show a certain amount of decorum, at least while the show was still running.

“Bob,” Jared said quietly. Jensen nodded a silent hello.

“Jared, Jensen,” Eric’s voice came clearly through the line. Jared made a small gasp while Jensen just sighed, resigning himself to the fact that the next hour was going to be one of the most upsetting, frustrating, and maddening hours of his life.

“Eric,” Jensen greeted back. “Who else are we speaking with here?” A chorus of voices answered in reply, and Jensen took a few moments to pick out each person. He sighed again. “Great,” he muttered as he dropped into a chair.

Glancing to his side, he saw Jared sit down gingerly on the edge. Any other normal day (although maybe not in front of these specific people), Jensen would be cracking a joke about how Jared seemed to be having hard time sitting,  _Your ass must be hurting, especially after last night_. Today, though, he just pursed his lips and looked away, trying to tamper down the flood of emotions boiling near the surface. He was on edge and the conversation, the  _lecture_ , hadn’t even started yet. He stared, unfocused, at a blank space on the wall but couldn’t keep his hand from drifting over blindly to find Jared’s. He squeezed and Jared gripped him back tightly, like he was adrift in the sea and Jensen was his life raft, the only thing keeping him above water. Which, knowing everything about Jared, Jensen thought that actually might be exactly how he was feeling.

So he tucked his own emotions away and stood up, pulling his chair right next to Jared’s before sitting back down and wrapping his arm around his partner’s shoulders. He could feel Jared shaking. It was the smallest of movements and was accompanied by no sound, no other indication that he was slowly breaking down; only Jensen knew the truth.

“Let’s get this over with,” he said harshly.

“Oh, no! You don’t get to take that tone with us! This is your fault!”  Suzanne’s ( _Chico¸_ Jensen thought. He couldn’t remember when that started but that’s what he’d called her in his mind for the last ten years) voice was shrill over the line.

“It was an accident!” Jared finally snapped. “And Rob and Rich helped us play it off as a joke. We know it wasn’t perfect by any means, but do you really think that we would have done that purposefully? Knowing that this shit is what awaited us?! We’ve been lying for almost fifteen years, and now that the show has an end in sight, you really think we couldn’t push through just a few more months?  _We’re not stupid!_ ” Jared was breathing hard and his voice was ragged, like he was about to either cry or rage but he just hadn’t decided which to do yet.

The outburst had shut everyone up; even Jensen looked at Jared in surprise. Not because Jared wasn’t opinionated; usually, though, Jared’s opinions came with smiles and laughs, or maybe a shake of the head and quiet disagreement. He rarely exploded like this. Jensen couldn’t have been happier. So he threw a smirk at Bob, the only person in the room who could see it and somewhat deserved it.

Bob shook his head and looked down. He didn’t seem angry, not exactly; it was more a combination of sadness and disappointment that radiated off him. Jensen didn’t know if Bob was disappointed in them or disappointed in what happened the day before or just disappointed in how the last decade had played out for Jensen and Jared. Jensen didn’t bother asking because, by this point, it didn’t matter.

After a few minutes, Angela broke the uncomfortable silence. “I spoke to Jared and Jensen yesterday, and I made some calls to a few other people. Look…it was obviously an accident. I won’t argue with you on that. And you may have deflected it somewhat, but it was still pretty bad. It’s getting to the media, and even they have questions. When it’s just the fans, that’s easy to handle. But this…Sorry, guys. But we’ll have to take some measures to calm everyone down.”

“Like—like what?” Jensen’s voice cracked. He and Danneel were already officially divorced, which meant all the bearding responsibilities would fall on Jared. Jensen cursed his ex for finding someone, cursed himself for agreeing to switch their plans and leave Jared in the trenches for another year, cursed the world for not just letting them  _be._

“We want Genevieve to come up with the kids and stay with you In Vancouver for a few months.”

Jensen choked. “I’m sorry, did you say a few  _months_?!”

“Yes.”

“No,” Jensen argued.

“Yes,” Chico said again.

“ _NO,_ ” Jared stated plainly. “ _That’s not happening_.” His tone made it clear that the matter was closed. These people around them, they’d all known him and Jared for years and years, and yet it seemed like Jensen was the only one who knew that Jared could only be pushed so far, and that if you forced him to that point, his snap back was so sharp that it would leave you with a nasty welt at the very least. He wasn’t sure what would happen in the worst situation.

“You do realize,” Jensen said steadily, “that this is the last season. We are not worried about renewal anymore, we are both at the point where we’re not even worried about our careers anymore, and we’re certainly not worried about money.” Jensen paused, making sure that everyone else listened closely to what he was about to say, that they finally  _understood_. “There is no reason for us to still be lying about all of this. We are not doing it for you, not for our wives or families or kids, and definitely not for ourselves. We are only doing it for the fans.”

“And frankly,” Jared jumped in, “it seems like plenty of them would be ecstatic to find out the truth.” They let their words hang in the air, so thick Jensen felt like he was being suffocated.

“So. No. Bearding.” Jensen finished.

“Fine,” Chico snapped. “What  _will_  you agree to do?” Jensen and Jared exchanged a whole conversation in just a matter of seconds, said with quirks of their lips and eyebrows raised, nods and shakes of their heads, and eyerolls and silent sighs of acquiescence.

“Genevieve can come up here next week. For a few  _days,_ ” Jared emphasized.

“And,” Jensen added, “I’ll take plenty of photos that she can post on social media over the next few months.”

“And you’ll spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas with her in Austin,” Chico said.

“We were gonna file for divorce during winter hiatus,” Jared said.

“No, because you’ll need to take her to the series wrap party,” Chico argued.

“What?!” Jared yelped. “No way. No way! We’re supposed to be done by then.  _It’s all supposed to be finished by then_ ,” Jared said desperately.

“You really think,” Chico said, her voice like steel, “that showing up to the final wrap party of a show you’ve been a part of for fourteen years, without your wife, after what just happened,  _won’t look suspicious_?” Her voice had gotten louder and louder until Jensen was flinching away from it.

“I—I can’t,” Jared stuttered.

“Jared.” Eric had been uncharacteristically silent up until then, to the point that Jensen had forgotten he was also on the line. “It’s a shortened season since you’re stopping at 300 episodes. At most you’ll have to push it back…three months. Just wait until the wrap party. You can bring Genevieve as your date, people will shut up, the show will be over, and you can file for divorce right after.”

“But—“

“Besides,” Eric continued, “everyone will be fawning over you and Jensen. You probably won’t even have to be with Genevieve for more than five minutes.” Jared looked at Jensen for help. Jensen shrugged his shoulders.

“Eric, that’s still a few months away. So we won’t promise anything right now.”

“You—“ Chico started.

“We’re not saying no,” Jensen interrupted. He had no interest anymore in listening to that woman dictate their lives, “but we’re not saying yes either.”

“I think that’s as good an answer as you’re gonna get for now,” Bob interjected. “Can we wrap this up? I have a feeling this week is basically shot to shit now, and I want to send them home.” Jensen gave Bob a small smile of thanks before standing up. Jared stood at the same time, though he seemed pretty dazed. Jensen still had his arm wrapped around Jared’s shoulders and he led him out of the room, not bothering to say goodbye to anyone.


	4. Talk to Me

A day later, Jensen was lying on the couch with Jared curled up on top of him. They were dozing while watching a movie—Jensen wasn’t even sure which one. Jared had chosen it but neither of them were paying much attention. Instead, they were whispering sleepily about stupid things that made them smile, trying to ignore the past two days. That was made harder when Jared’s phone rang, showing the caller to be Eric.

“Hello?” Jared answered it on speaker.

“Hey, Jared, it’s Eric. Is Jensen with you?”

“Right here,” Jensen replied. “Eric, if you’re calling to yell at us we really don’t want to hear it—“

“Of course I’m not calling to yell at you,” Eric interrupted. “I actually wanted to apologize about yesterday…”

“Okay…” Jared urged.

“You guys know I’ve been on your side since the beginning. I hate all the lying that you’ve had to do just so you can stay together and keep the show going. I mean, it’s completely hypocritical! The show practically lives and dies by the chemistry between you two, but the second the network found out that it wasn’t just on screen, they freaked out! And it’s not even remotely fair and—“

“Eric, slow down!” Jensen had to chuckle. Even in the middle of something like this, trust Eric to be his hyperactive excitable self.

“Right, right.” He took a deep breath, but before he could continue, Jared cut in.

“Then why did you say all that stuff yesterday? Why did you tell me to postpone my divorce so that I could take Genevieve to the wrap party?”

“Because,” Eric sighed, “the network—well, the stuff they were talking about before we called you. Honestly, I thought it would be more stressful to push against them on this, especially because it would only be a few more months. I really thought that giving in to some of their demands would be easier on you both in the long run.”

“Eric, we’ve been giving in to their demands for the last fourteen years,” Jensen pointed out. “And it _really_ hasn’t been easier on us.”

“Yeah, that was one of the thoughts running through my head after the call ended yesterday. So if you want to fight the network on all of this, it’s gonna cause a big headache for everyone, _especially_ you. But I’ll stand behind you guys.” They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Thanks, Eric. We really appreciate that.”

“I want to make sure you both know that I’m always on your side, okay? If I had been the one always calling all the shots, I never would’ve made you guys do all the shit you’ve had to do. I’m sorry.”

“Thanks, Eric. We, uh, we haven’t decided what we’re gonna do yet, obviously. But you’ll be the first to know, okay?”

“Thanks, guys.”

As they said their goodbyes, Jensen felt the tightness in his chest ease up a little. He had always known Eric was rooting for them, but hearing him tell them that he’d back whatever choice they decided to make this time was a huge relief.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next week Genevieve came to Vancouver just as planned. She stayed at Jared’s apartment, and each night after she went to bed Jared snuck back over to Jensen’s to get a few hours of sleep with his real partner before waking up early and jogging back to his place before their kids woke up. Jensen was tense the entire week, and he knew that Jared wasn’t doing any better.

Her second night in town, Jared took Genevieve out to a restaurant where he knew they’d be spotted. Maximum bearding for minimum effort was always Jensen’s motto, though this really didn’t feel like minimum effort. At all. Five days later, she and the kids were gone and Jensen could breathe again.

Things should have gone back to normal, but everything felt slightly off-kilter.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The day Jensen met Jared was the day it felt like everything in his life slotted into place. He didn’t know what would happen—with Jared, with the show, with his career—but suddenly he wasn’t worried about any of it. He just _knew_ that things were going to work out.

It was almost a year later, when he told Jared _I love you_ for the first time, that Jensen finally understood why it had felt like that. Because he and Jared resonated perfectly, and that alone somehow managed to put everything else in Jensen’s life into perfect tune, no matter what was actually happening.

This was the first time in almost fifteen years that things had shifted away from that. It wasn’t Jared—they were still good, if a bit shaken from the events. It was everything else that felt off. Cons weren’t enjoyable; there wasn’t as much joking and pranking happening on set; they didn’t go out with the other cast and crew for beers at the end of the week. It was like everything had stopped clicking, and he was grinding through the next few months until he could just say fuck it, drop it all on the ground, and walk away for good.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Three weeks into November, Jensen and Jared boarded a plane together bound for Austin. Jared had been unusually subdued the last few days, and whenever Jensen had tried to talk to him about, Jared just brushed it off and walked away. But now they were on a plane where Jared couldn’t run, and since the flight had almost no one on it, Jensen thought that maybe he could get Jared to open up.

Twenty minutes after takeoff they were flying steadily at 30,000 feet and Jensen turned to Jared.

“Jay. You gotta talk to me, man.”

“It’s nothing, Jen. I’m fine.” Jared wouldn’t look at Jensen.

“Obviously you’re not, baby, and…I mean, I don’t even know if I can help but you talking to me, getting at least some of it off your chest, that couldn’t hurt, right? _Let me be there for you_.” Jared sighed, but he looked up through his long hair, finally meeting Jensen’s eyes for the first time in what felt like days.

“Jen, it’s not that I don’t wanna talk to you. I just—I don’t know _how_ to.” Jared sounded frustrated, but Jensen would rather hear frustration in the voice of his partner than numbness.

“You don’t know how to talk to me? Jared, we’ve been together for fourteen—“

“I don’t know how to talk about _it_ ,” Jared clarified. “I don’t know how to tell you what’s wrong because I don’t even know what’s wrong!”

“It’s okay, Jay. Here, c’mere.” Jensen wrapped him arm around Jared, pulling him against his side. He tucked his nose into Jared’s neck and mouthed at the skin, whispering soothing words of love against his pulse. “I love you, Jay. It’s gonna be okay. We’ll figure it out, okay? Please just try, Jay. I love you, I want to help. Please, baby.”

“Jensen, I—whatever I say, I don’t know if it’ll even make sense,” Jared choked out.

“I don’t care, Jared. I don’t care. Just try, k? Please say something.”

“Okay. Okay, Jen,” Jared gave in, kissing Jensen’s temple a few times. Jensen felt a tear fall onto his cheek. He wasn’t sure if it had come from his own eyes or Jared’s, but it didn’t matter.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen waited a few minutes. He didn’t mind waiting until Jared was ready, now that he knew Jared _was_ going to talk. One hand was tangled in Jared’s hair, scratching softly at his scalp. The other was gripping Jared’s hand, fingers laced together like he never wanted to let go. When he heard Jared take a deep breath, he knew it was time.

“It feels like I’m on this edge, and I could fall backwards or forwards. If I go back, I’ll feel better; if I fall forwards, I’m—I’ll break. But I can’t move, it’s like I’m stuck in limbo, and it’s getting to the point that I think even falling forwards, even if I have to break apart to do it, would still be easier than staying on this edge indefinitely. I feel like—like I’m slowly going crazy, like everything is boiling right at the surface but I can’t do anything. I’m stuck. I just want to come down.”

Jared poured his thoughts out and Jensen collected them quietly, rolling them around in his head, trying to sort through and organize and make sense of what Jared was saying. He didn’t get it completely, but he was finally able to understand _something_. He could work with that.

“God, I’m so sorry, baby,” Jensen whispered. “I had no idea.”

They were silent for a few minutes but Jensen had to ask, he _had_ to know, “Is it—I mean, is it because of the bearding?” Jared shrugged.

“Maybe a little. I mean, it’s not like I have to go through another fake marriage,” he tried to lighten the mood but neither man smiled. “I just mean…we’ve had to do more than this, so many times. So why is it this difficult for me now?”

“Maybe because we’re so close? Maybe because—god, I’m sorry, Jay. I should’ve let you divorce Genevieve this summer instead of me divorcing Danneel. I should’ve said no to changing our plans. I’m so sorry.”

“Jen, you are the only person that isn’t the problem in this situation,” Jared said. “You don’t have to apologize. We all made that decision together, you didn’t force me into it. Okay?”

“I know, babe, but still, if we hadn’t—“

“Jensen,” Jared interrupted, “let it go. It is what it is.”

“Okay, baby. Okay. How can I help? _Can_ I help? Tell me what to do—please, tell me how to help you.”

“Jen,” Jared smiled sweetly, “it doesn’t really work like that. Just…be there for me. Please?”

“Of course, Jay, always. I’ll always be here. With you, forever. You know that, right?”

“Yes,” Jared whispered, and Jensen could tell he was getting sleepy.

“You should get some sleep,” Jensen said softly. “We still have a few hours.”

“M’kay,” Jared murmured before snuggling against Jensen and drifting off. Jensen laid his head against Jared and did the same.


	5. Bad Wives and Good Mommas

Considering how uneventful the Thanksgiving break had been, Jensen was so stressed out by the end of it that he needed a post-vacation vacation. Both of their extended families had been there, and although no one asked him about Danneel and the divorce outright, there were one too many times that he’d entered a room and everyone had immediately stopped talking, leaving an awkward and obvious silence.

Jared hadn’t fared much better, but for different reasons. Since half the people at the gathering didn’t know the real nature of their relationship, it was expected that Jared act somewhat like a husband to Genevieve. Usually that meant light PDA and the appearance of sleeping in the same room, but this time Genevieve used the situation to her advantage. Jensen didn’t know what her deal was, didn’t know why she decided to become the epitome of a clingy faux-wife, but that’s exactly what she did.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Hey, baby,” Genevieve entered the kitchen in pajamas that were slightly inappropriate considering the company they were with. She pulled Jared to her, turning his face so that the customary peck on the cheek became a full-on kiss on the lips. “Had a good time last night,” she said teasingly.

Jensen barely managed to mask the eyeroll and scoff behind taking a gulp of coffee. Jared had joined Jensen in the pool house a minute after the last cousin or uncle or whoever had gone to bed. Although Genevieve had been right about one thing: it had been a good night for Jared. It just happened to be with Jensen, not her. This happened every morning, but the third day, she stepped it up even farther.

It was an unseasonably warm evening, and everyone was enjoying it as much as possible, which meant that people were hanging out in the garden, around the fire pit, along the edges of the pool, and anywhere else they could be outside.

“Hey, Jared, baby,” she said sickly-sweet, “think Jensen would mind babysitting the rugrats while we go on a date?” She looked at him with seemingly-innocent eyes and Jensen’s temper flared white-hot. They were on the patio with about half a dozen other family members so Jensen couldn’t tell her to stop whatever the hell she was doing. Of course, she had said it just loud enough to make sure at least three other people had heard.

“Oh, that’s so sweet. I bet the kids would love to hang out with their Uncle Jensen while you two have some fun,” said Jared’s second cousin once removed (or something like that). “And even if Jensen isn’t up for it, I’m sure we can find a way to entertain them for a few hours!”

“Unless you needed an overnight sitter?” someone else jumped in. They said it jokingly, but there was a definite undertone of seriousness to it, and Genevieve must have noticed that because she jumped at the opportunity.

“Actually,” she said, turning to Jensen’s uncle, “that would be great. You guys wouldn’t mind?” She sounded so eager and genuine, and Jensen’s uncle melted under her hopeful gaze. Jensen was glaring daggers at her and thought he might shatter the beer bottle under the force of his angry grip, but she averted her eyes from his stare.

“That wouldn’t be a problem at all, darlin’!” Another cousin had joined the conversation. “I know y’all don’t get to spend nearly enough time together, what with Jared here bein’ up in Vancouver so much.” At that moment Jared’s mother walked outside, and Jensen stood up and pulled her to the side. He was almost at boiling point, and he knew he couldn’t blow a gasket here; he needed to either calm down or be calmed down.

“Jensen, honey, what’s wrong?” Sherri asked.

“Genevieve,” Jensen gritted out. He tried to get out more words, to explain what was going on, but Sherri was looking between him and Jared and Genevieve, catching snippets of the conversation and plans being made for the night, and Jensen knew he didn’t need to elaborate.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she said, pulling Jensen into a hug. “Do you want me to talk to her?” she whispered.

“No, oh _hell_ no. I will definitely be talking to her. But tonight…momma, I can’t—Jay, he can’t deal with that, not right.”

“Neither can you,” she said softly, cupping his cheek. He blinked quickly, trying to hold back a sudden onslaught of tears. He had no idea where those had come from. As he looked up, he saw his own mother slip outside and over to them.

“Jensen, what’s going on?” Jensen just shook his head, so Sherri gave Donna a quick rundown of the situation.

“Oh, baby,” Donna said, and moved in to hug Jensen, but he pulled away.

“Look, mom, momma, if you two keep fawnin’ over me like this, people are gonna think somethin’s wrong.”

“Something is wrong, Jensen!” Donna said stubbornly.

“Yeah I know, but they don’t,” Jensen replied, nodding towards the small group of people around them, drinking beers and trading jokes, completely oblivious to the turmoil overwhelming Jensen’s thoughts, overwhelming his life.

“Jensen, honey, when is this all gonna be over?” Sherri asked. Jensen looked around then pulled his mother and Jared’s farther away from the crowd to make sure they weren’t overheard. He took a deep breath, then dove headfirst into the story, telling them everything that had happened the last few months.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It took Jensen longer than he expected to tell the story. He planned on keeping it short and succinct, but once he started it all came spilling out, and the only thing that kept him from breaking down was to keep talking. His mother and Sherri would interject occasionally with questions, and Jensen welcomed them. Because his moms, they cared. They cared about him and Jared and they wanted them to be happy, and sometimes it seemed like he and Jared were constantly surrounded only by people who either didn’t know about their relationship or were pressuring them to keep it quiet.

When he had finished recounting everything, Donna wrapped her arms around her son and held him for a minute. Jensen didn’t protest this time, but he did glance up and see Jared studying him, concern clouding his beautiful hazel eyes. Jensen gave him a small shake of the head, letting Jared know in their own special language _I’m fine_ and _I don’t want to make a scene_ and _I’ll tell you later._

“Okay, let’s just focus on right now,” Sherri said. “Obviously Jared is not going to want to spend the night with Genevieve.”

“But apparently everyone thinks I’m going to babysitting the kids.”

“No, we’ll cover for you,” Donna said. “We’ll tell everyone you weren’t feeling well and that you went back to the pool house to turn in early. Then you can go rescue Jared and, I don’t know, take the night to relax away from everyone.”

“Yes, rent out a hotel room, order room service, watch a movie in bed. Try not to worry, okay?” Sherri added. “We’ll let Gerry and Alan know and they can help us if anyone gets too curious.”

“But I don’t think they will,” Donna assured. “There’re too many people here to notice you gone for one night. Promise.”

“Thanks momma. Mommas.” Jensen smiled for the first time in hours. “I’ll try to catch Jared before they leave and let him know.”

“Sounds like a plan, honey,” Sherri said as Donna kissed her son on the forehead.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen didn’t manage to pull Jared aside before he left; Genevieve had stayed plastered to his side, making sure they were always around at least a few people right until they got into Jared’s car and pulled out of the driveway. But Jared knew Jensen, knew that Jensen would do something, so he texted Jensen five minutes after they left telling him that they were headed to a bar about fifteen minutes from the house.

Jensen tore out of there the second his mommas had everyone distracted, and pulled into the parking lot just as Jared was extracting himself from his own car. Jensen jumped out, almost forgetting to turn the car off beforehand, and strode over. He kept himself from grabbing Genevieve but got right up in her face.

“What the hell are you doing?” he hissed at her.

“What do you mean?”

“Cut the bullshit, Genevieve! You are _not_ his real partner, you are _not_ helping things. Now, what. The fuck. Are you doing?” Genevieve dropped the innocent act and glared at Jensen.

“I was just trying to make it look convincing in front of your families,” she sneered.

“Well, stop!” Jensen practically yelled. “You guys are getting divorced in a month, you don’t exactly need to be worried about coming across as the perfect married couple.” Genevieve just rolled her eyes.

“Look,” Jared said, “Jensen and I are gonna head out. You do whatever you wanna do, but if you decide to go back to the house tonight you need to let us know.”

“Fine,” she huffed, then stomped away towards the bar. Jared turned to Jensen.

“So, where are we headed?”

“Well, our mommas suggested we get ourselves a hotel room for the night and…relax.” Jensen smirked.

“Oh, I know a few ways you can help me relax, Jen.”

“So…we definitely need a room with a Jacuzzi?”

“Definitely,” Jared agreed, and they slid into Jensen’s car. Jensen leaned over and planted a wet kiss on Jared’s lips.

“Find us a place, we can just get room service or something, okay?”

“Okay. Did you bring—“ Jared stopped when he saw Jensen pull a small plastic tube from his pocket. “Good,” he grinned. “Y’know, I was worried that this was going to be the worst night of the break. Looks like it’s gonna be the best though.”

“Oh, yeah?” Jensen smirked.

“Oh, yeah, baby,” Jared mouthed against Jensen’s neck, “’cause I’m gettin’ lucky tonight. More than once.” Jensen’s breath hitched as Jared’s teeth nipped at his skin.

“Find us a hotel, Jay. Now!” he said urgently. Jared chuckled and pulled his phone out as Jensen tore out of the parking lot, windows down, music blasting, and tires squealing hungrily on the pavement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning on making Genevieve into some kind of villain or whatever, but...the plot must go on (and this is what ended up working out the best).
> 
> Chapter 6 is already completed and will be posted the 24th. (It has some hotel sexytimes in it!)


	6. Room Service (and Other Things)

The boys ended up at a hotel thirty minutes from Jared’s home. They stumbled into the lobby, giggling like two horny, drunk sixteen-year-olds. (Horny? yes. Drunk and sixteen? Not so much.) Before they attracted too much attention, Jensen straightened up, collecting himself slightly.

“No fun, Jen,” Jared pouted.

“Dude, we already look really sketchy getting a hotel room two days before Thanksgiving. You really wanna make it worse by acting like I’m about to go fuck your brains out?” Jared gasped.

“You are about to fuck my brains out,” he murmured.

“Yeah, but no one else needs to know that,” Jensen replied. “At least, not yet,” he added under his breath, but Jared still heard and smiled slightly.

“So, you’re saying someday?” he asked hopefully.

“Baby, there’s no way in hell I’m going my whole life with no one finding out that I get to tap an ass as hot as yours.”

“Wow, how romantic,” Jared said sarcastically. “But you’re right, my ass is pretty hot.”

Jensen clamped down on his response as they got to the front desk. Tonight probably wasn’t the best night to accidentally get outed.

“Hi, I’d like a room please,” Jensen said, pulling his wallet out. “King bed. And you have anything with a jacuzzi?”

“Of course, sir,” the receptionist replied. He was older than Jensen, had glasses, salt and pepper hair, and an impressive mustache. He turned to Jared. “Will you be needing a room as well, sir?”

“Ah, no, my family’s waiting for me. Just wanted to make sure my friend here doesn’t order too much room service and then waste it by throwing it away instead of giving it to me.” He smiled innocently.

“Hmm,” the man hummed thoughtfully, but said nothing else. Jared peeked at Jensen and raised his eyebrows; Jensen shrugged. It was a lame lie but they’d certainly done worse, so he figured it would work for one night.

“Here’s your room key, sir,” the man said, handing a keycard to Jensen. “You’re in room 1288, our king suite.” Jensen couldn’t keep the grin off his face, flashing to a memory from thirteen years ago at the Vancouver airport hotel. He glanced at Jared who was failing to contain a smirk as well. “The kitchen doesn’t close, so you can order food as late as you want. Have a good stay, and happy holidays!”

“Thanks,” Jensen replied, and they turned towards the elevators.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Oh, god,” Jared whimpered, his mouth full of mashed potatoes and steak, “’s _so good_.” His eyes rolled into the back of his head and Jensen had to shift his legs slightly to relieve some of the pressure building up in his pants.

“Dude, how can _food_ elicit more impressive sex noises out of you than _I_ do?” Jensen asked.

“Jealousy is very unbecoming of you, Jen,” Jare replied, licking his fork and wiggling his eyebrows. Jensen rolled his eyes and adjusted himself again.

“Fuck you,” he said without heat.

“Mmm maybe in a few minutes, darlin’” Jared said as he shoveled another forkful into this mouth.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The minute they’d stepped into the room, Jared had spun Jensen around and pushed him against the door before dropping to his knees and attacking the button and zipper on Jensen’s jeans.

“Jaaaaaay…” Jensen moaned, “don’t you wanna—“

“Shut up,” Jared said happily right before slipping his mouth over Jensen’s cock.

“Wow, right to it then,” Jensen said. “Y’know, if you were this anxious we coulda done this in the car. It’s not very often I get roadhead and—“ Jared frowned and pulled off with a pop.

“Have you always been this annoyingly chatty when I’m trying to give you a blowjob?”

“Maybe you should give me blowjobs more often and find out for yourself,” Jensen shot back.

“Yeah, right, Jen. Because five times a week for the last fourteen years isn’t enough,” he said sarcastically, but Jensen caught a hint of smile right before Jared took him back in his mouth.

Jensen was pretty worked up and knew he wouldn’t last very long, but as Jared worked him into his mouth faster and deeper, heat pooled low in Jensen’s belly, and when Jared ran finger back behind Jensen’s balls, stopping at his hole and tapping the ring of muscle lightly, Jensen shot his load before he could even warn Jared. Jared swallowed it all down, just like he’d been doing for years. After Jensen had been wrung dry, Jared stood up and kissed Jensen deeply, allowing Jensen to taste himself on Jared.

“Babe,” Jensen moaned, reaching for Jared’s pants, but Jared swatted his hands away and drew back.

“Let’s order food, Jen, I’m starving.”

“Oh my god, Jared, you’re fucking ridiculous, you know that?” Jensen said, not bothering to hide the fondness in his voice.

“You love me,” Jared replied, and picked up the room service menu. “Ooh, steak!” Jensen just shook his head.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So now they were trying not to spill food all over the bed, as Jared had decided that’s where they should eat dinner, against Jensen’s better judgement. (“I have to sleep there, Jay!” “And where d’you think I’m sleeping, you loon, the floor?”)

“You done?” Jensen asked as he set his own plate on the table in the kitchenette area.

“Almost,” Jared replied. Jensen came back into the room and snagged Jared’s plate away before he could start licking it clean.

“Yeah, you’re done.”

“Hey!” Jared whined, and Jensen collected the utensils and drinking glasses.

“The kitchen’s open all night, remember? If— _when_ you get hungry again, we’ll just order some more. Okay?”

“Why can’t we order more now?” Jared pouted, rubbing his belly.

“Because I need my mouth free to do something else,” Jensen replied, walking back into the room and stripping off his shirt and pants. “Take those off,” he said, motioning to Jared’s clothes. Jared complied quickly then laid back down on the bed, limbs and hair fanning out.

“What’re you—what, um,” Jared swallowed.

“Why are you nervous, you weirdo?” Jensen asked. It wasn’t like this was the first time they’d ever had sex. Hell, this wasn’t the first time they’d fucked _that day_. Jared was always bugging Jensen by waking up early, and the only thing that kept Jensen from complaining was some good old fashioned morning sex, so Jared used that to his advantage as often as possible, and that morning had been no different.

“’m not nervous,” Jared panted, and Jensen realized that no, he really wasn’t.

“Christ, you’re gorgeous, looking all fucked-out before I’ve even touched you,” Jensen said as he rubbed his hands down Jared’s chest then up his sides.

“Jen,” Jared whispered as Jensen moved up his body and kissed him.

“Hey, baby,” he said quietly.

“Hey,” Jared smiled against Jensen’s lips.

Jensen worked his way down Jared’s neck and chest, stopping for a few minutes to lick and suck at Jared’s nipples. Jensen got lost in Jared’s whimpers and moans, and was only aware of just how much Jared was writhing underneath him when Jared gasped out, “Jen!” Jensen detached himself from Jared’s chest and slowly made his way farther south, keeping up the incessant licks and nips just painful enough to keep Jared on edge without losing the pleasure aspect.

He passed by Jared’s cock without touching it which made Jared groan in disappointment and arousal, but Jared shut up quickly when Jensen settled down between Jared’s legs, draping them over his shoulders then gently pulling his ass cheeks apart. He licked a wide strip up the cleft, repeating this over and over until Jared was begging.

“Jen, fuck Jen, please!” Jensen smiled wickedly and began pressing his tongue into Jared’s hole, working it open and slick with his spit. Jared was moaning loudly and writhing so much that Jensen had to clamp his arms around Jared’s hips to hold him still. He kept tongue-fucking him until his jaw was sore and he felt Jared start to clench up.

“Fuck, Jen, oh my god, _fuck_!” Jared yelled as his orgasm ripped through his body, painting his chest with come. Jensen rubbed his hands up Jared’s legs soothingly until Jared came down from his high. They were both breathing heavily as Jensen crawled up Jared’s body to kiss him deeply.

“Mmm,” Jared groaned into the kiss. “That was so much better than the steak.” Jensen snorted.

“Good to know. But we’re not done.”

“Yeah, Jen, you gonna fuck me now?”

“Yeah, baby.”

“’bout goddam time,” Jared growled and Jensen had to grab the base of his cock to keep from coming.

“God, your voice. Jay, you sound like pure sex. Fuck, you’re gonna be the death of me.” Once Jensen was no longer in danger of coming right that second, he got up to grab the lube out of his jacket pocket.

“How do you wanna do this?” he asked as he climbed back onto the bed.

“Like this,” Jared said softly. “Wanna see you.” Jensen bent done to smother Jared with kisses. Even after all these years, he couldn’t believe how lucky he was, that Jared loved him the way he did.

He slicked up his cock quickly and lined it up with Jared’s hole.

“What’s wrong?” Jared asked when Jensen paused.

“You need me to prep you more?” Jensen asked. “I want you to feel good.”

“God, Jen, trust me. I’m good. Now, would you please just fuck me already?” Jensen grinned and slid into a Jared a few inches before pausing, allowing Jared to adjust. After a minute Jared nodded and Jensen slid in a little farther. It went like this for a few minutes until Jensen’s cock had completely disappeared and his balls were pressed right up against Jared’s ass. Jared rolled his hips a few times.

“I’m ready,” he said, and Jensen pulled out slowly before slamming back in. “Shit!” Jared’s moan was only matched in volume by Jensen’s own.

“Feel so good, every fucking time,” Jensen groaned, and began pulling out and slamming into Jared hard and quick. This morning had been slow and sweet; this evening was the opposite of that. “How are you still…so tight…” Jensen panted in between thrusts “after fourteen years?”

By this point, Jared was letting out a steady stream of wails and moans, and when Jensen swiveled his hips just slightly, just the way he knew would make Jared keen, Jared arched up off the bed into a graceful bow.

“Oh, FUCK,” Jared shouted, “Jen, so good…I’m not gonna last…”

Jensen knew he wasn’t going to last much longer either. Jared was hot and impossibly tight around him, and the spit and lube provided just the right amount of slickness. Jensen loved making Jared come just from his cock (or fingers or tongue), but he had already done that tonight. So Jensen reached down and wrapped the hand that was still slick with lube around Jared’s cock, and started jacking Jared in rhythm with his own thrusts.

It was only a few more minutes before Jared was clenching around Jensen’s cock and shouting Jensen’s name as he came. The increased pressure around Jensen brought him to the edge, but it was his name on Jared’s lips that pushed him over.

“Jay, Jay, Jay,” Jensen chanted and he pulsed his release into Jared.

He folded forward, barely managing not to collapse onto Jared, and kissed his lips, his nose, his cheeks then eyelids.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“Love _you_ ,” Jared replied sleepily, and Jensen knew that Jared was officially down for the count, though he couldn’t say he was surprised. Steak and potatoes and a few beers, _plus_ two orgasms? He knew Jared would be out like a light within the next three minutes.

“Let me get you cleaned up,” Jensen said as he pulled out and slid off the bed, snagging a washcloth from the bathroom and wetting it with warm water. He wiped the come off Jared’s chest then moved in between his legs.

“Mmph,” Jared grumbled.

“What?” Jensen asked.

“Don’t. I like—um, I like falling asleep with your come in me.”

“Oh, Christ, Jay,” Jensen groaned as his dick twitched in interest. “You really are gonna be the death of me.”

“Come to bed,” Jared mumbled, making grabby hands towards Jensen.

“Yeah, baby, just gotta turn out the lights.” Jensen tossed the washcloth into the bathroom and flicked the lights off before crawling back into bed and snuggling into Jared’s chest. His head was tucked under Jared’s chin and his lips were just centimeters away from Jared’s collarbone. He mouthed at it, sucking a small hickey there.

“Hey,” Jared squeaked, and Jensen giggled. The last few hours had managed to put everything out of his mind, and he was actually slightly grateful for Genevieve trying to pull that crap. If she hadn’t, he and Jared would have been at home—still together—but around a bunch of other people, trying to hide their relationship behind stolen glances and closed doors. This was so much better, and Jensen hoped that soon every day could be like this.

“Night, Jay,” he whispered.

“G’night, Jen,” Jared breathed back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing faster than expected so I thought I'd post this a day early. Chapter 7 is finished and will be posted either the 24th or the 25th. Thanks for reading :)))


	7. The Status Quo

Jensen and Jared made it back to Jared’s house the next morning later than they had wanted to. They ended up sleeping late because they had stayed up for hours eating, watching TV, and fucking multiple times (and then again in the morning, plus once more in the shower for good measure). So yeah, they were definitely a little late getting home, but even though Genevieve was already back when they got there, nobody seemed to notice; at least, nobody said anything. But the rest of the day whenever someone came up to talk to Jensen, it was always accompanied by a sad smile a look of pity in their eyes.

Jensen, wanting to know what the hell was going on, pulled his mom away after lunch.

“So why is everyone looking at me like my dog died?” Jensen asked.

“Well…” Donna hesitated.

“Mom? What’d you do?”

“Dammit, it was Genevieve!” Donna blurted out.

“Crap. What did _she_ do?” Jensen ran a hand through his hair, suddenly worried.

“She came back last night, completely drunk, and was rambling on about…well, she wasn’t really making much sense, thankfully. So I put her to bed and when I came back down I told them that…”

“Momma…?” Jensen urged.

“Well, they were wondering why she came back without Jared. So I told them that you were a upset about Danneel, how it’s the first big holiday since you guys got divorced and you got a bit carried away at the bar and Jared had to stay to take care of you.” His mother flushed slightly as she finished the story.

“God, mom, now they think I’m a pathetic lonely drunk or somethin’.”

“Oh, hush! I’m sure they don’t. You and Danneel have only been divorced for four months. From the outside, it looks perfectly understandable.”

“Right, right,” Jensen muttered. “Do they know she’s bringing JJ and the twins over tomorrow?”

“Yeah, everyone knows. Should be fine. Best thing about all these Texans, even when they’re judging you they’re too polite to do it to your face, so secrets stay secrets fairly well.”

“Yeah, just don’t be passin’ around the whiskey tomorrow, okay?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, honey. Everyone’ll be in food comas before it even gets dark out.”

“If you say so. Anyways,” he said, rubbing his hands together, “do you need me to do anything today to get ready for tomorrow?” Donna studied him for a minute.

“You sure you’re okay?” she asked, not letting Jensen change the subject so easily.

“Yeah, mom. Last night…it actually worked out really well. Jared and I had a good time. Being able to relax, not worrying about putting on a front or slipping up, it was real nice,” Jensen sighed.

“Good,” Donna said, patting his cheek. “God knows you two deserve it.” Jensen smiled sadly.

“Yeah, now if only everyone else thought that too.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The rest of the day was spent drinking, playing with the kids and dogs, make three last-minute grocery runs, and Jensen even set up the stuff needed for hillbilly golf, which was made even more enjoyable the more people drank. (At one point, though, they had to herd the kids away because Jared’s second-cousin almost knocked out the teeth of Jensen’s 9-year-old nephew.)

Most everyone turned in early, since quite a few people were getting up at dawn to start preparing the food, as they were planning on sitting down to eat at 1pm. Jared slipped into the pool house at midnight, and he and Jensen laid sprawled across the bed, legs intertwined and fingers laced together. They talked about everything and nothing, and Jensen couldn’t help but enjoy those hours in the dead of night, not quite asleep but not fully awake. The Texas heat was like a blanket over them, shutting out the rest of the world until it was just him and Jared and their naked bodies wrapped around each other, Jensen’s soft breath against Jared’s skin, Jared’s hair tickling Jensen’s cheek. It felt the way it always used to, it felt the way it always should, and Jensen knew that no matter what happened, whatever the next few months brought them, they would never lose this permanently.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next day Jensen woke up slowly, his head pillowed on Jared’s chest, Jared’s arm wrapped tightly around his body. He yawned, surprised that he had somehow woken up before Jared because that _never_ happened, and decided to give Jared a taste of his own medicine.

Jared didn’t exactly complain, since morning sex with Jensen was always the best way to wake up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Danneel and the kids showed up at 11am, when the house was already flooded with a variety of smells promising that every single dish would be no less than delicious. Jensen drank a few beers, played with his kids outside, and helped Jared set the table because his momma wouldn’t let him in the kitchen. (“I’m not exactly a bad cook, mom.” “No, but the last time I left you in charge of the pumpkin pie you somehow managed to forget the sugar.” “That was the recipe’s fault, not mine!” “Go set the table, and take Jared with you. He’s eyeing the potatoes like he’s about to steal them and drive to Mexico.”)

They sat down to eat at little after one. The food was good, the company was better, and Jensen had somehow finagled the seating arrangements so that he was next to Jared at one table and Genevieve was down almost all the way at the other end. He kept his right hand under the table throughout the meal, no one the wiser that he was gripping Jared’s hand tight, just out of sight.

Surprisingly, Danneel being there seemed to ease some of the tension that had developed between Jensen, Jared, and Genevieve. She and Danneel were never best friends (despite the image that Jared and Jensen’s managers had pushed on their fans), but they were friends nonetheless. Better than that, though, they had both been in the position of being someone’s beard for nine years. Jensen hoped that if Genevieve was able to see Danneel happy and finding real love after the divorce that maybe she would calm down a little bit. It seemed to work, because for the last four days of the holiday she had backed off Jared quite a bit, acting her part but taking it no farther. She didn’t apologize for her earlier behavior, but Jared had told Jensen to let it go this time.

“Why should we let it go, Jay? That was pretty screwed up what she did!”

“Jen, I know, okay? But I think sometimes you forget…look, all the lying, the fakeness, it hasn’t exactly been easy on Genevieve and Danneel either.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Jensen couldn’t believe that Jared was sticking up for her. “Was she forced to marry someone she wasn’t in love with because the person she did want to marry wasn’t allowed by the network? Was she told that she could have either the love of her life or the best job ever, but not at the same time? Was she made to feel like what she wanted, what she deserved was…was _wrong_?!”

It was lucky they were having this conversation in the pool house because Jensen’s tirade was getting pretty loud.

“No, Jensen, of course not, but—“

“Her marrying you, that was _her_ choice. And she knew exactly what her place was from the beginning. You really think _we_ had a choice the same way she did?”

“Jensen!” Jensen stopped yelling when Jared’s voice cut through his rambling thoughts. “I’m not saying it’s the same. What I _am_ saying that there was no manual for this on her end either, and she’s…she’s _invested_. It can’t be easy to give all that up— _even_ if you know it’s coming. I’m just trying to have a little sympathy for how’s she’s feeling.”

Jensen sighed and ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

“I see what you’re saying. But that doesn’t mean what she did was okay—”

“I didn’t say it was,” Jared said calmly.

“—and she can’t keep doing it!”

“I agree. Which is why I think that we should go ahead with the divorce on our original schedule,” Jared said.

Jensen looked up in surprise. It had been a few months since the conference call with the network, and they both had avoided talking about this. Jensen was worried that Jared would want to just do what the network asked to make it easier on everyone ( _except Jared,_ Jensen thought angrily). So hearing Jared say no to that, to do what they both know would be best for them, was a huge weight off Jensen’s chest.

“Assuming,” Jared added quickly, “that you’re okay with that decision.”

“You kidding me? Of course I’m okay with that! God, yes. _Definitely_ yes.” Jensen pulled Jared into a tight hug. “I can’t wait ‘til all this is over,” he whispered. The sudden sting of tears in his eyes came out of nowhere and Jensen had to blink quickly to hold them in.

“I know, babe,” Jared soothed, running his hand up and down Jensen’s back. “Trust me, I know.” And Jensen felt more lighthearted than he had in three months. Maybe even nine years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8 is written and will be posted tomorrow or the 26th! Thanks for sticking with me :)))


	8. Impasse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Happy Friday.

“ _What the fuck?!_ ” Jensen was halfway down the stairs when he heard Jared’s curse, and he stumbled down the last six steps, almost tripping at the bottom, nerves suddenly raw and at the surface. He slammed into the kitchen where Jared was stalking back and forth in front of the fridge, phone to his ear.

“Jay! What’s wrong?” Jensen gasped, shortness of breath caused more by anxiety than his five-second sprint to the kitchen.

Jared had a look of disgust on his face as he set the phone on the island counter top and hit the speaker button.

“—sorry, Mr. Padalecki, but we couldn’t force her to,” the voice on the other end was saying.

“ _How_ can she refuse to sign the papers?” Jensen blinked for a few seconds before realizing that Jared must be talking to his lawyer, and apparently Genevieve had refused to sign the divorce papers that Jared had filed when they got back to Austin for winter hiatus.

 _WHAT?!_ Jensen mouthed at Jared, eyebrows raised in disbelief. Jared gestured angrily towards the phone where the lawyer had started talking again.

“Your contract states that that she is guaranteed either ten years or until the end of Supernatural. Because your ten-year anniversary is not until the end of February, and because the finale episode doesn't air until March, she has legal grounds to remain married for a few more months.”

“You gotta be fucking kidding me!” Jensen blurted out. “She’s really gonna start a shit storm just to have two more months as ‘Mrs. Jared Padalecki?’”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Ackles, but she didn’t give a specific reason for refusing to sign. She just stated that she didn’t have to yet. I’m afraid Mr. Padalecki will have to be the one to figure out why.” Jensen huffed and Jared sighed.

“Thanks, Darrell. I’ll, uh, I’ll let you know what she says.”

“All right. I’m really sorry about all of this. I didn’t think she would contest it. I mean, there’s not really any point.”

“I know, I know,” Jared sighed again, rubbing his eyes. “Have a good Christmas.”

“You too.”

Jensen stared at Jared as he ended the call.

“So,” Jared said casually, leaning against the island, “Genevieve doesn’t want to sign the divorce papers.”

“Figures,” Jensen muttered. “What’s her deal? I thought after what happened at Thanksgiving she’d calmed down a bit. I thought she was finally accepting the fact that it was almost over?”

“I dunno, man,” Jared shrugged. “Guess I’m gonna have to call her.”

“We’re like two minutes away. We could just go over there. That way she can’t hang up on your or something.” They were staying at Jensen’s house in Austin; Genevieve was at Jared's place. Jensen’s kids were at a friend’s for a birthday party, and Danneel had gone back to L.A. for the holidays.

“Damn. Yeah, I might have to.”

“You want me to come with?”

“Umm…” Jared hesitated, thinking. “Maybe we shouldn’t ambush her right off the bat. I’ll give her a chance to explain it to me. If I don’t get anywhere, we can try talking to her again in a week or so.”

“If you’re sure…”

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s just—god. Nevermind.”

“It’s what?” Jensen asked.

“The last month, it’s been good, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jensen replied, thinking about how much lighter and easier life had been after Thanksgiving. Filming was going smoothly, set was more enjoyable, and he and Jared both had managed to de-stress quite a bit.

“Well, it’s like, one call from my lawyer and everything came slamming back.” Jared had started pacing again, so Jensen walked around the island and stopped in front of Jared, pulling him into a hug.

“I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.” Jared’s voice was muffled against Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen carded his hands through Jared’s hair, tugging lightly at the strands and scratching his scalp softly.

“Are you _sure_ you don’t want me to go with you? I won’t even say anything, I could just be there for moral support.” Jared pulled back from Jensen so he could lean down to give him a kiss. It was soft, chaste, more of a peck than a proper kiss.

“Actually, yeah. I’d like that,” he said quietly. Jensen nodded.

“Of course, baby. You wanna go now?” His hands were cupping Jared’s face and his fingers were tracing lightly over his cheekbones, eyebrows, jaw, and lips. Jared shook his head no, sighed, then nodded.

“Probably should,” he said reluctantly. “The kids are at that birthday party, so we won’t have to worry about them overhearing anything.”

“Okay. Wanna walk?”

“Yeah, that sounds nice,” Jared replied.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was a little cool out, but the sun was beating down on them bright and warm, and there was only a light breeze. As they walked down the street, nobody in sight, Jensen closed the few inches between him and Jared and laced his fingers through Jared’s. Jared didn’t look at him but Jensen saw Jared’s mouth quirk up in a small smile.

“Someday,” Jensen mused, “we’ll walk the red carpet like this.” Jared’s smile grew bigger.

The remainder of the ten-minute walk was spent in a comfortable silence. As they neared Jared’s house, Jensen could feel Jared tense up beside him.

“Relax, babe. I’m right here.” Jared nodded and knocked on the door. He had a key, but Jensen knew he was trying to be respectful of Genevieve’s privacy.

Genevieve answered the door, her expression pinched.

“Great,” she muttered before turning around and walking back to the living area. Jared and Jensen followed her in, Jensen closing the door behind them.

“I assume you know why we’re here,” Jared said, not bothering with a greeting. Genevieve sniffed and puttered around the living room, rearranging pillows and folding blankets, stacking coloring books and tossing a few toys into a basket. She nodded sharply but said nothing.

Jensen stood off to the side, trying to not to get in the way or look imposing. He was here to support Jared, not to berate Genevieve, and he would only step in if things got out of control, which was unlikely to happen.

“Why are you doing this?” Jared asked. He sounded hurt and disappointed.

“I have the right. It’s in the contract,” Genevieve replied without looking at him.

“But _why_?” Jared repeated. “What’s the point? Do you want more money or something? What are you trying to get out of this?”

“I don’t want to lose you, okay?” Genevieve snapped, finally looking up a Jared. Jared looked stunned.

“Lose me? Genevieve,” Jared said softly, “you never _had_ me. Our relationship was never real.” Genevieve snorted and turned away but Jared continued talking. “Don’t you want to find someone who can love you for real? You can’t do that if we stay in this lie.”

“Please, Jared. I’ll be a 38-year-old divorcee with three kids and no real career. Tell me, how am I supposed to find someone that will love me for real?” Jared pursed his lips.

“You’re angry.” It wasn’t a question.

“Of course I’m angry!” she yelled, spinning around to face him.

“Genevieve,” Jared said, voice hard as steel, “you _chose_ to do this. And you know how much I appreciate it, and we will both be forever grateful to you. You doing this allowed me to stay with Jensen, for us to keep our show, to have children. But _you still chose this_. Nobody forced you into it.”

“I don’t care!” Genevieve yelled. “It’s not fair!” Jared threw his hands in the air in frustration.

“And how is you refusing to sign the divorce papers so you can spend two more months as my fake wife going to fix anything?” Jared was yelling now too. Genevieve didn’t answer. “Just sign the damn papers!”

“No!”

“What do you want?! I don’t even know what I can do for you, Genevieve! Because I’m sure as hell not staying married to you, and that seems to be the only thing you want!”

“I want you to love me!” she screamed. “Why don’t you love me?” Stunned silence fell hard in the room. Jared was staring at Genevieve, his expression one of bewilderment. Genevieve was staring back, chest heaving in anger. Jared stepped back, and Jensen stepped in.

“Jared and I love _each other_ , Genevieve,” Jensen said calmly. “You knew that from the start.”

“Stop.”

“We want to help you. We want you to be happy, too. But Jared isn’t—Jared can’t be that for you, Genevieve. He never could. He never will.”

“Get out,” she said coldly.

“But—“

“Get out!” she screamed. Jensen backed away slowly, pulling Jared with him. He didn’t turn his back until he was outside and the front door was shut behind him.

“Jay,” Jensen said softly.

“Hm?”

“I don’t think she’s gonna sign the papers until she has to.”

“Yeah, no, of course,” Jared said dazedly.

“I know this is a stupid question, but…are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Jared replied lightly, but his eyes had taken on a deadened quality.

“Jay?” Jensen’s voice trembled. “You’re scaring me.” Jared’s eyes met Jensen’s, and Jensen swallowed thickly.

“I said I’m fine.” He turned and started down the walkway, Jensen trailing after him, a knot of fear growing in his stomach. This was not going to end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended up writing like four chapters today instead of one, so I thought I'd post a second today, and I might post two tomorrow as well.


	9. Warning Signs

Whatever levity had developed after Thanksgiving was completely shattered in the weeks after Jensen and Jared had talked to Genevieve. The only time they talked or saw her was to pick up or drop off the kids. Jared tried to be in a good mood for them, tried not to act any different, but Jensen could see through the façade. And Jensen was fucking terrified.

Because when the kids weren’t there, Jared walked around like a zombie. Jensen tried to get him to talk: over dinner, before coffee, after coffee, in the shower, in bed at night, in bed in the morning, after a few beers… _nothing_ worked.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Over the years, Jensen had worked out a checklist in regards to Jared. It maybe seemed crude, but it helped Jensen to know how bad Jared was doing. And Jensen had been crossing everything off so fast his head was spinning.

First warning sign: Jared not being his usual happy-go-lucky self. This was number one because it could be caused by many things, not just depression, and more often than not it was temporary and Jensen didn’t need to worry.

The second sign was a lack of appetite. Again, could be caused by other things: sickness, feeling homesick, missing their kids…so that stayed number two, and Jensen still stayed (mostly) calm.

Sign number three: tension. Jensen could tell when Jared was chronically tense because he’d pop Tylenol like it was going out of style. Jensen asked Jared one day why he did, and Jared had told him that the constant tension made his muscles ache and he had a hard time falling asleep if he didn’t take any mild painkillers. One morning Jensen opened the cabinet in their bathroom and there was a bulk-size bottle of Tylenol sitting front and center. Needless to say, Jensen checked off warning sign number three immediately.

The fourth sign was the one which caused alarms to go off in Jensen’s mind. When Jared stopped talking to Jensen about certain things: his feelings, emotions, and thoughts, and when Jared constantly lied to Jensen, saying that he was fine, nothing was wrong, don’t worry…well, _that’s_ when Jensen really started to worry. Because he knew all too well how slippery of a slope it could be, and once Jared stopped confiding in him, Jensen knew that things were officially going downhill.

Jensen felt like he was a passenger on a runaway train: he had no control over what was going to happen, and if the train crashed, it was going to be a bloody mess. So he did what he could, though it wasn’t much. There were the superficial things, like making Jared his favorite meal, giving him backrubs, surprising him with hot bubble baths (for them both). There were the nagging things, which Jensen hated doing but knew he needed to, like asking Jared if he’d talked to his therapist that week, reminding Jared that he was here and wanted Jared to talk to him, even if all he could do was listen.

And it seemed to help slightly. Maybe Jared wasn’t feeling better, but at least the downward spiral had paused. Jensen hoped going back to Van to finish the last month of filming would pull Jared out of his head a little. He’d be away from Genevieve, he’d be able to focus on his character and the show, and it meant that they’d be one month closer to the divorce.

It didn’t work out that way.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

One Thursday in early February, Jensen had to stay late the second half of the day to film scenes that didn’t have Sam in them. He told Jared not to wait for him, that it would be at least another six hours. So Jared went home, and Jensen got to work.

The shooting went a lot faster than expected, and four hours later Jensen was in the backseat of the SUV on his way back to the apartment. When he let himself in, he could hear Jared in their bedroom on the phone. He had forgotten to text Jared, letting him know that he’d be home early and that they should order pizza or something.

He walked silently to their room; Jared was sitting on the bed, back to the door, and was muttering quietly.

“No! I’m sorry. Look, I can’t—I don’t think—“ He paused as the person on the other end started talking.

“Genevieve, it doesn’t work like that. And even if it did, I mean, _I love Jensen_.” Jensen’s eyebrows shot up. He had no idea what was going on, but he did not like what he had heard so far.

“Because, Genevieve, I’m gay, and you were always just a beard! You _knew_ that!”…”They kids will be fine. They’ll understand, eventually.”…”No, I don’t get it. I don’t know what you want me to do.”

Jensen felt uncomfortable, like he was eavesdropping on something he wasn’t supposed to be hearing. He coughed, clearing his throat to let Jared know that he was in the room. Jared turned quickly to look at him,

“Look, I gotta go. Jensen’s home.”...“Nothing’s going to change, I’m sorry.” He ended the call and looked at Jensen. His cheeks were slightly flushed and his eyes dropped down to the bed.

“You wanna talk about it?” Jensen asked softly. Jared shrugged.

“Are you mad?”

“Because you were talking to Genevieve? No, of course not. I’m—Jay, I’m _worried_ about you.”

“I’m fine,” Jared said automatically. His voice was dull. Jensen ignored the lie.

“What did she want?”

“Same thing.”

“For you to magically not be gay and fall in love with her?” Jensen couldn’t keep the derision out of his voice.

“Basically.”

“Jared…you didn’t do anything wrong. You know that, right?” Jared just shrugged again. “Babe, you never lied to her, you never led her on, she knew the truth from the beginning. All these issues she’s having, they’re _her_ issues. There’s nothing you can do.”

“I still feel guilty,” Jared replied, finally looking up. Jensen moved forward and sat down beside his partner.

“That’s because you have a big heart and you want everyone to be happy. But Jay, it’s not your job to make everyone happy. You’re not a magic puppet. This is something that she has to find a way to deal with, and it’s not fair for her to ask any of this from you.”

“Maybe.”

“How often does she call to talk to you about this?”

“Every few days.”

“You’ve been arguing with her about this three days a week for the past month?” Jensen asked incredulously. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he tried to calm down, softening his voice. He was angry with Genevieve but he wasn’t mad at Jared and he didn’t want Jared to misinterpret his feelings. “Babe, I would’ve—I mean, I could’ve done something.”

“It’s fine,” Jared sighed.

“It’s really not,” Jensen argued. “Have you been talking to your therapist?” Jared nodded. “And?” Jensen urged, but Jared stayed silent. Jensen sighed and laid back on the bed, running his hands over his face. A minute later, Jared leaned back and joined him.

“Jay, we only have one episode left to film, and I want you to enjoy yourself. And obviously having these conversations with her is making you miserable. And just like you told her, nothing’s going to change.”

“What do you want me to do?” Jared said, sounding frustrated.

“I think you should ignore her calls, at least until we get back to Austin.”

“Fine,” Jared agreed, but it did nothing to reassure Jensen.

“Hey, look at me,” he whispered, gently turning Jared’s head to face him. “ _Are you okay?_ ”

Jared didn’t bother to lie this time. He just closed his eyes and laid his head on Jensen’s chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really fucking excited about the next chapter. I loved writing it, but you're probably going to hate me slightly after you read it. Should be posted today or tomorrow!


	10. That's A Wrap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry...

The next month passed the same as the one before: Jared a vibrating ball of stress over Genevieve and the divorce; Jensen strung out with worry over Jared. They got back to Austin, and Genevieve refused to sign the divorce papers. They made travels plans for the finale episode party, and Genevieve refused to sign the papers. Jared told her she should talk to a therapist, and Genevieve refused to sign the papers (and got really offended).

It was March now, and Jensen and Jared were in the penthouse suite in a hotel in L.A. five minutes from where the wrap party was being held. Jensen was tugging on his suit jacket when Jared came out of the bedroom, tie hanging loosely around his neck. His lips were turned down in a pout and he looked so ridiculous, so silly, so _Jared_ , that Jensen couldn’t help but crack up.

“You can’t laugh at me!” Jared said indignantly. “I know you’ve schemed all these years so that I’d never learn how to tie a tie so that you would have to do it for me.”

“Baby, you’re so cute,” Jensen giggled. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’m right here,” Jared said, confused. Jensen didn’t answer, just grabbed the ends of Jared’s tie and pulled him into a kiss. It quickly became heated, but before Jensen could take it any farther, Jared stepped back, a smile playing at his lips.

“You know how many people would be pissed at us if we were late to our own party?”

“You know how much I don’t care?” Jensen retorted, pulling Jared back to him. Jared pushed Jensen into the bedroom and onto the bed.

“You know your suit is gonna get really wrinkled?”

“You know how much I wish people knew why?”

Jared blushed at Jensen’s words and began working open Jensen’s pants, and then his own.

They ended up arriving almost forty minutes late. Eric hid a smile under a half-hearted glare. Bob rolled his eyes. Sera Gamble grinned wickedly. And Jensen kept himself tucked into Jared’s side for every single picture.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They finally made it off the red carpet and inside the building. Jared made a beeline for the open bar, Jensen right on his heels. They’d be showing the final episode in the theater in half an hour; afterwards, there would be plenty of drinking and toasting, and Louden Swain would be playing. Jensen was really looking forward to the evening, to celebrating the best job he’s ever had with some of the best people he’s ever worked with, and his friend, his partner, his lover—his _Jared_ by his side.

And then Genevieve showed up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She was on the other side of the large room, scanning the crowd, probably looking for Jared. When she caught sight of Jensen—and noticed him staring right back—her eyes widened in surprise and perhaps a bit of fear.

Jared was deep in conversation with Mark and Tim Omundson, so Jensen patted his shoulder and whispered a quick “I’ll be right back” before making his way across the room. He met Genevieve along the far wall where it was quieter and they were less likely to be overheard.

“Genevieve…” Jensen tried to keep his voice steady and devoid of anger, but he couldn’t repress the sigh of frustration that slipped out. “Why are you here?”

“I just—I needed to see Jared.”

“You couldn’t have waited ‘til we were back in Texas in _two days_?” She just shrugged. “Look,” Jensen continued when he realized she wasn’t going to answer, “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be here. I…I don’t know if Jared can handle it.”

“He’s not some delicate flower, Jensen,” she snapped. “I’m pretty sure he can deal with talking to me for five fucking minutes!”

“No, he’s not some delicate flower. But he _is_ more stressed out and on edge than I’ve ever seen him, _ever_ , and I highly doubt this is going to end well. For _anyone_ involved,” he emphasized as he stared her down.

“Genevieve?” said a voice behind Jensen. He froze, his heart dropping.

“Dammit,” he muttered, closing his eyes and attempting to collect himself before turning around. Jensen had hoped he’d be able to convince Genevieve to leave before Jared saw her, but no such luck.

“Jare—Jared,” Genevieve stammered, “I, um, I need to talk to you.” Jensen turned and looked at Jared, pleading silently. Jared looked back and forth between his fake partner and his real one.

“Um…yeah, I guess. If it’s quick.”

“Jay—“ Jensen said in alarm. His voice shook.

“It’s fine, Jen,” Jared assured him, then turned to Genevieve. “Five minutes, okay?” She nodded in agreement and Jared gave Jensen an apologetic look before leading the way to some empty back room somewhere. Jensen didn’t follow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He wandered back to the bar area. As he was waiting on the bartender to make him a whiskey sour, Tahmoh appeared and started chatting with him. Curtis joined the conversation a minute later. It wasn’t until Jensen was swallowing the last few drops of his second drink that he realized, yeah, it had been way longer than five minutes. He looked around carefully, but it was easy to spot Jared in a crowd, and he definitely wasn’t in the room now.

“I should probably find Jared,” Jensen said, trying to keep his voice from revealing his uneasiness.

“Sure, man,” Tahmoh said, and handed Jensen another drink. “I haven’t gotten a chance to talk with him yet. Come find me later?” Jensen nodded and smiled at them before heading towards the hallway that would take him to the back.

As he wove his way through the crowd of cast and crew and family members, returning smiles and hellos, and shaking off attempts at conversation, a voice came crackling over the loudspeaker.

“The showing of the 300th and final episode of Supernatural will begin in ten minutes. Please make your way to the auditorium.”

Jensen sped up his pace, jogging down the back hallway. He heard voices—shouting—coming from a few doors down. Before his hand touched the knob, the door was flung open. Genevieve stood there, breathing heavily and face flushed with anger. She stormed past Jensen, knocking into him on her way out. He stared after her in confusion and surprise. After a few seconds, he shook his head to clear it and headed into the room.

He found Jared sitting on the floor against the wall, head in his hands.

“Jay?” Jensen said hesitantly. He walked over and knelt down in front of his partner, resting his hand on Jared’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Jared looked up. As his hair fell away from his face it revealed red, puffy eyes and cheeks wet with salty tears. Jensen brushed a lock of Jared’s hair behind his ear.

“What happened?” Jensen asked softly, continuing to stroke Jared’s tresses, trying to soothe him. Jared shrugged and dropped his head back down. “Dammit,” Jensen growled, standing up. Anger flared through him, sudden and white-hot. He began pacing back in forth in front of Jared, hands gesturing wildly.

“God dammit, I cannot keep doing this. This is ridiculous!” He was ranting, angry at Genevieve for putting Jared through this, angry at himself for not knowing what to say, what to _do_. He felt completely helpless and it rushed out of him, crashing over him like a tsunami. “I should’ve put an end to this long ago! I can’t do this anymore— _we_ can’t do this anymore!” He glanced down at Jared and found him staring back, open-mouthed and eyes wide with some emotion Jensen couldn’t seem to place at the moment. He was too distracted by his own emotions, but he realized he needed to get himself under control.

He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, letting them out slowly. When he opened his eyes again, Jared was standing in front of him, an inscrutable expression on his face. Jensen rubbed his eyes.

“We don’t have time—I mean, they’re playing the episode in like two minutes. We should probably get back in there.” Jared nodded sharply and turned away without saying anything. He strode out of the room, not looking back to see if Jensen was following him. Jensen wasn’t sure what was going on. Obviously Jared was mad, but unfortunately he couldn’t do anything about it for the next forty-five minutes, so he hurried after Jared, catching up to him just before they entered the theater.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The second the end credits rolled across the screen and applause filled the theater, Jared shot out of his seat and hightailed it out of the theater. Jensen was about to follow him but he had to make a quick detour to the restroom to pee. When he came out, Jared was by the bar. In the time it took Jensen to cross the room, Jared had downed three shots. When Jensen reached him, it was obvious that he had already had a few while Jensen was in the bathroom. Jared’s words were slurred slightly, probably only noticeable to Jensen, but it still worried him.

“Jen,” Jared greeted him, then turned away and downed another shot. Jensen gingerly took the empty glass from Jared’s hand.

“Jay, I think we should go back to the hotel for an hour or two,” he said quietly so that no one else could hear him. “You’re upset and the alcohol probably isn’t helping.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Jared said numbly.

“Jay?”

“I need to pee,” he muttered, then stalked off. Jensen just stood there, staring, fidgeting anxiously. When five minutes passed and Jared still hadn’t returned, Jensen hurried to the bathroom. He stuck his head in and called Jared’s name.

“He’s not in here.” Rob was at the sink washing his hands.

“When did he leave?” Jensen asked, anxiety swelling in his chest.

“Um, I didn’t see him in here at all,” Rob replied. “Is everything okay?” He studied Jensen in the mirror, concern clouding his face.

“I don’t think so,” Jensen said, his stomach twisting in fear.

“Can I do anything?” Rob asked as he dried his hands.

“Yeah, yeah. Uh, if you see him don’t let him out of your sight, and call me immediately.”

“Of course,” Rob nodded.

“Thanks. I gotta go,” Jensen said and hurried out of the bathroom. He made it outside and scanned the line of limos, searching for the one that he and Jared had arrived in. When he couldn’t find it, he turned towards the valet.

“Hey, did you see a tall guy, kinda long hair, come out here?” he asked the girl. She looked at him, startled for a second but her features smoothed out quickly.

“Do you mean, um, Jared Padalecki?”

“Yeah, yes,” Jensen replied, silently urging her to talk faster.

“He stumbled—“ she stopped, blushing slightly before continuing. “He _came_ out here maybe five or ten minutes ago? Got into one of the limos. They turned right out of the parking lot.” _The direction of the hotel_ , Jensen thought.

“Shit, _shit_. Okay, thank you.” The girl smiled and Jensen jogged to a cab that was parked at the curb. He stuck his head in the passenger window to ask if the cab driver could take him to the hotel. The moment the driver say yes, Jensen hopped into the back seat.

“I’ll give you an extra fifty if you get me there in three minutes,” Jensen said, and the car peeled out of the parking lot, tires screeching, a mirror of Jensen’s internal scream. He knew in his gut that something was terribly wrong.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He opened the door to the suite and immediately shed his jacket and loosened his tie.

“Jay?” he called out, and Jared appeared in the doorway to the bedroom, looking dazed and, well, confused.

“Jens’n?” he slurred. “You’re here? Why’re you here?” He looked genuinely surprised to see Jensen.

“You were really upset, Jay, and you ran out of there so fast. Why’d you leave without me? You know I would’ve come with you.” Jensen pulled his tie off and stepped out of his shoes. Jared had already changed into a t-shirt and jeans so Jensen figured they weren’t going back to the party anytime soon.

“B-but..but you said…” Jared swallowed thickly. “You said you were done.”

“Yeah…” Jensen said slowly, carefully. “With the lying, the bearding. God, Jared…it’s tearing you up and I can’t—I _won’t_ let it hurt you anymore.”

“No. No,” Jared said as tears spilled down his face. He stumbled back into the room and crumpled onto the bed. Jensen caught him before he fell off and onto the floor. “You said you were done…oh god, Jen. I thought you m-meant with us,” he sobbed.

“ _WHAT?_ ” Jensen cried out in shock. “Oh god, Jared, no! Never! Shit, I would _never_ leave you. I love you,” he said, holding Jared close. He finally understood why Jared seemed so angry earlier and kicked himself for not realizing how what he was saying might have sounded.

“Jen, Jensen!” Jared said urgently. Jensen met Jared’s gaze. His eyelids were drooping and he moved his arm around sluggishly. He was gripping something tight in his hand, and he nudged Jensen’s hand, giving the object to him.

“I thought—I thought you were…I’m sorry,” Jared whimpered. “I’m so sorry.” His eyes rolled back and he fell limply onto the bed.

“Jared! Fuck, _Jared!_ ” Jensen yelled, shaking Jared’s shoulders and slapping his cheeks lightly, then harder when Jared didn’t react. Jensen’s heart was beating so hard it felt like it was going to explode out of his chest.

He looked down to see what Jared had handed him before passing out. It was a bright orange—and completely empty—prescription pill bottle.


	11. Time Stands Still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know whether to apologize again or say you're welcome. Maybe a little bit of both?

“Oh, _shit_. Shit SHIT _SHIT_ , Jared, ohmygod, what did you do?” Jensen dropped the bottle that should have been full of pills and gathered Jared into his arms. Jensen could barely hold him; he was dead weight. _No, not dead_ , Jensen forced the thought from his mind. “Jared!” he yelled, grabbing his face and slapping his cheeks again, but Jared’s eyes remained closed and his body felt boneless.

Jensen was choking, crying, frenzied. He pulled his cell out and dialed 911. When the dispatcher answered, he immediately told them where he was and to send an ambulance. He heard her radioing the police, then she started talking to him.

“Sir, can you tell me your name and what’s wrong?” she said calmly.

“Jen—Jensen Ackles. My…um, he overdosed, I’m pretty sure, and now he won’t wake up!” Jensen’s voice was steadily getting higher and higher, frantic and out of control. “I don’t know what to do!”

“Sir, try to calm down a little. Your friend needs your help right now, okay?”

“What do I do?” Jensen yelled.

The dispatcher’s voice remained low and steady, and Jensen thought it should be pissing him off but he really just _couldn’t care_ at that moment. “What’s your friend’s name?”

“Jared, his name’s Jared.” Jensen’s voice was strangled, broken.

“Where are you right now?”

“Bedroom.”

“Okay, lay Jared down and turn him on his side. You need to make sure he doesn’t choke if he starts to vomit.” Jensen didn’t reply, just sobbed as he followed her directions. He put his phone on speaker and set it on the nightstand. Once he had Jared on his side, he bent down and kissed Jared’s forehead which was damp with sweat.

“Oh god, Jared, please don’t—stay with me, god. Just stay with me,” he whispered into Jared’s hair. Jensen could barely see through his swollen eyes and tears pouring out.

“Jensen,” the voice spoke softly through the phone, “did you get him moved?”

“Yeah,” Jensen managed to get out.

“Okay. If he wakes up or seems to respond to you at all, try to keep him conscious.

“He’s—he’s not,” Jensen sobbed.

“That’s okay,” she said gently, “it still helps if you want to talk to him. I’ll stay on the phone until the ambulance gets there.”

“Is there—I mean, can I, like…force vomiting, or—“

“No!” she interrupted. “Don’t do that. It can cause more harm than good. Just stay by him, keep an eye on him, okay?”

Jensen’s heart stuttered for a moment, but he was surprisingly grateful for her offer to stay on the phone. He didn’t know this person and she seemed way too calm but he couldn’t be completely alone right now, and just knowing that there was _someone_ there was the only thing keeping him upright. He held Jared’s hand tightly and leaned into his neck, crying even harder, though he hadn’t thought that was possible.

“Jay…Jay…why…god, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Jensen, the EMTs are close. I know you don’t want to leave Jared but they can get to him faster if you open the door for them. Can you do that?”

Jensen hesitated, then laid Jared’s hand back down. He grabbed his phone and stood up, pausing a moment to look down. It was the worst thing he’d ever seen, and he stumbled towards the bathroom and fell in front of the toilet, heaving up everything he’d eaten and drank for the last week, maybe the last year. After a few minutes, he pulled himself up and lurched towards the door, throwing it open just as four guys rolling a gurney came hurtling down the hall. Jensen stood back, holding the door open and pointing towards the bedroom.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The ride to the hospital was an agonizing blur. He was scrunched in the back of the ambulance, refusing to leave Jared’s side. The emergency techs didn’t waste precious time trying to argue with him, they just quietly worked around him, only speaking when conveying information, stats and vitals, and other things Jensen tried to focus on but couldn’t.

“Is it bad?” he finally asked after they’d been on the road for a few minutes. One of the techs glanced at him and he caught a fleeting glimpse of sympathy, or maybe pity.

“We’ve seen people pull through with worse,” he said simply, which Jensen translated as _It’s bad but he has a chance_. Jensen dropped his head down between his knees, trying desperately to catch his breath or his nerves or just something, _anything_ , to hold on to. Usually he held on to Jared. That wasn’t possible this time, and Jensen felt lost, terrified, and useless.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When they got to the ER, Jensen thought he was going to be told to stay in the waiting room and he was prepared to argue, but the doctor immediately pulled him aside.

“We need to know what all Jared took. Do you—“

“Yeah I, uh, I think so,” Jensen replied before the doctor finished speaking. “There were sleeping pills—Ambien. I just filled the prescription for him two days ago so it was probably full. Thirty of them.” Jensen took a deep breath before continuing. “And he had six, maybe seven, maybe more shots of whiskey about an hour ago.” The doctor scribbled on a piece of paper attached to a clipboard as Jensen relayed the information. Jensen paused, waiting for…something, though he wasn’t sure what. After a few minutes, he couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“Doctor, um—“

“Rainier,” the doctor supplied, looking up at Jensen.

“Right. Um…what—is there—shit. Sorry! Sorry. I just…” Jensen trailed off, not sure how to phrase a question that he was scared to hear the answer to.

“We’re making sure Jared is stable, then he’ll be moved to the ICU. You can see him once he’s settled in there.”

“Okay,” Jensen breathed out slowly. “What, I mean, how do you treat this?” His hands were sweating and he wiped them on his pants.

“In an overdose situation like this, when we don’t get to the patient while they’re still conscious…there’s not much we can do. We’ll keep an eye on him, of course. But as far as waking up, well, his body has to process everything he took. It’s really up to him to fight through this,” she said. She offered a small smile of sympathy.

“You—seriously, you can’t do _anything_?” Jensen didn’t know if he wanted to scream and rage or fall down to the floor and sob.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“So you’ve, uh, you’ve seen other people like this?”

“Yes, a few,” she answered.

“And did they…” Jensen couldn’t bear to finish the question. The doctor studied him for a minute and Jensen knew that whatever answer she gave him, he wasn’t going to like it.

“One of them didn’t make it. Four of them did, but two of those people had go on dialysis. They’re still on the kidney transplant list.” Jensen took a deep breath and held it in. He nodded his head, like he was trying to process and accept what she had told him but he just couldn’t seem to do it.

“Jensen,” the doctor’s voice cut through his thoughts of despair, “don’t give up hope, okay?”

“Never,” Jensen whispered more to himself than to the doctor.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen spent exactly twenty-seven minutes pacing around the nearly-empty waiting area before he was called back to Jared’s room. He paused before stepping inside, preparing himself to see...well, he wasn’t sure, but whatever it was, he was certain that it would be heartbreaking. When he walked in, though, Jared was lying peacefully on the bed. If Jensen didn’t know better, he could’ve believed that Jared was just sleeping. There was an IV line in the back of his hand and a blood pressure cuff around his left bicep, but other than that he was free of tubes and all that other stuff Jensen had been expecting.

He stumbled into the room and fell into the chair beside Jared’s bed.

“Jay,” he whimpered, taking one of Jared’s hands in both of his own. “Jay, please wake up. Don’t leave me here. This is all my fault, I’m so sorry.” He sat there whispering anything and everything to Jared, and when his voice got too hoarse to continue speaking, he sat quietly, stroking Jared’s hand and hair and face, just trying to get some type of contact with his partner.

He didn’t remember falling asleep, but the next thing he knew sunlight was streaming through the window and he had a crick in his neck from being slumped over the bed with his head laying awkwardly on Jared’s stomach. A nurse was bustling about the room quietly, and when she saw that Jensen’s eyes were open, she whispered good morning.

“How’s he doing?” Jensen asked.

“He’s okay,” the nurse replied. “Still unconscious, but he remained stable throughout the night, which is a good sign.” The nurse smiled at Jensen. “Mr. Ackles—”

“Jensen,” he corrected.

“Jensen...” she sighed, wringing her hands like she was trying to decide whether or not to tell Jensen some big dark secret. “Normally I wouldn’t say this, but…well, I can tell how much you love Mr. Padalecki—Jared. And I know that the doctors are always hesitant to give more than a vague answer when asked if a patient will be okay because they don’t want to promise something that they’re not sure they can deliver.” Jensen’s heart began to sink at the nurse’s words, unsure but scared of where this was going. “But I’ve seen a lot of overdoses in my life, both professionally and personally.” Pain flitted through the nurse’s expression, and Jensen wondered just how many ODs the girl had seen. “I honestly think Jared has a really good chance of waking up,” she finished. Jensen swallowed, but didn’t, _couldn’t_ allow himself to feel too much relief.

“And what about—I mean, his liver or…”

“Let’s worry about that later, okay? Just…talk to him. Stay with him. If—when he wakes up, he’s going to be extremely disoriented, and seeing a familiar face might help.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Jensen assured the nurse. She nodded and offered a sympathetic smile before leaving the room.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen spent the next few hours either sitting by Jared and holding his hand, pacing the room, hyperventilating, or staring at his phone, trying to work up the nerves to make all the calls he needed to make. He’d managed to text Rob, asking him to bring by a few changes of clothes and some toiletries, but couldn’t get himself to tell Rob the reason that he was there. Rob, being one of the most understanding guys (and one of the best friends) Jensen had ever met, came by within an hour of getting Jensen’s message. He asked no questions, just offered to talk or listen to Jensen anytime, day or night, if Jensen needed to.

Twelve hours later, Jensen thought he’d probably walked two miles just from pacing around the room. When the nurse came back in (Jensen finally got her name—Julia), she mentioned that if Jensen kept up his pacing like that they’d have to replace the linoleum. Jensen tried to smile; he knew she was attempting to lighten the mood a little. But with Jared lying there, still not moving, Jensen didn’t think anything would have helped.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Time passed by Jensen like it had escaped from a Salvador Dali painting: so fast his head spun, then so slow he swore it was going backwards. He’d sit by Jared and talk to him, and when he’d glance back up at the clock four hours would have passed. He’d stare at his phone, thinking about how he needed to call some people. He’d get lost in his thoughts and come snapping back to reality when a nurse walked in to check on Jared, and Jensen would realize that only ten minutes had passed.

The doctor came by a few times, assuring Jensen that even though Jared was unconscious he was still stable, which was a good sign.

He refused food three or four times before Julia came in with a tray laden with a little bit of everything and told Jensen that if he didn’t eat, she would force feed him. So Jensen relented, and managed to get half of it down before he rushed to the bathroom, immediately vomiting everything back up. Julia frowned in concern and left, returning two minutes later with crackers, a juice box, and a steaming cup of coffee. Jensen downed the coffee, nibbled at the crackers, and eyed the juice suspiciously.

Before Julia left for the night, she appeared in Jared’s room with a cot, two blankets, and a pillow.

“I was going to offer you an empty room to crash in but figured it would’ve been pointless,” she explained as she set up the cot.

“Yep,” was all Jensen said. “And thank you,” he added as she headed towards the door. She turned around and looked at him. Her gaze was somehow both soft and piercing, and for a moment Jensen felt like she could see right through him, could see all the pain and fear that was flooding his body and mind and soul.

“He’ll be okay,” she said.

“You don’t know that for sure…”

“Jensen…he has something worth fighting for.”

“Yeah?” Jensen said doubtfully, “And what would that be?”

“You.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It had been thirty-six hours since Jared was wheeled into the hospital and Jensen was staring out his phone again, body tense with guilt because he still couldn’t bring himself to call Gerry and Sherri. Hell, he hadn’t even called his own parents yet.

He jumped in surprise when the phone vibrated suddenly in his hand. Genevieve’s name flashed across the screen. Now that was one person Jensen definitely didn’t have any problem talking to, although he assumed it would be more yelling, less civil conversation. He answered the phone but said nothing.

“Jensen? It’s Genevieve.” Jensen rolled his eyes. “I can’t get ahold of Jared—“ At the sound of Jared’s name, Jensen snapped.

“Shut up. Just _shut up_.” His voice was harsh, ragged. “If— _when_ Jared wakes up, you better have those divorce papers signed and in my hand. If you don’t, I will make your life a living hell. Do you understand?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“ _Do you understand?!_ ” Jensen screamed, stunning her into silence.

“Yes,” she whispered meekly. Jensen didn’t bother to explain farther, didn’t bother to say goodbye, he just hung up on her and tried to keep himself from hurling his phone at the wall. Instead, he squeezed it so tightly that the plastic began to creak. He took a deep breath and willed himself to relax.

Genevieve calling had forced Jensen out of his head and broken some barrier inside him. He gave himself a few minutes, enough time to let most of the anger seep out of him; he didn’t need anger for what he had to do next. He looked at his phone again; it was time to make some calls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12 will go up on the 27th. Comments and kudos are love <3


	12. In the Still of the Night

Jensen wanted to call his parents first, telling himself that it would be good practice or whatever for talking to the Padaleckis, but he knew that he was really just putting of the inevitable. Needless to say, talking to Gerry and Sherri turned him into a blubbering mess, barely able to get out what happened before he broke down completely.

“We’re catching the next flight out,” Sherri said. Not only did Jensen not have the heart to say no, he didn’t _want_ to say no. He needed someone there, because he honestly wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold himself together until he shattered.

“Thanks, momma,” Jensen whispered. “I’ll text you the hospital info. Do you want me to call Megan and Jeff…?”

“Oh god, honey, no!” Sherri replied. “Listen to you…oh, Jensen. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. We’ll call them, okay?”

“You don’t…blame me?” he asked nervously.

“ _No_ , Jensen. Never. Now, please just…just hold on. Okay?”

“Okay.”

The call to his parents was almost identical to the conversation he had with Jared’s, and when Donna and Alan told them they were flying in as well, Jensen accepted it gratefully.

Jensen was on a roll (so to speak) so he called Rob next. He gave him a quick rundown of the situation.

“Oh my god, Jensen,” Rob whispered. Jensen could practically see Rob pacing around and twitching with concern. “Can I do anything?” Jensen was about to say no, because really there wasn’t anything Rob could do to help Jared, but Jensen realized that maybe Jared wasn’t the only one who needed help.

“Can you come by?”

“Of course. Alone?”

“Yeah.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rob’s presence was both a relief and made Jensen feel slightly claustrophobic, like there was barely enough oxygen in the room for himself and Jared, let alone a third person. But Jensen knew he had to get used to it, because Jared’s parents as well as his own would be there in a few hours.

Jensen’s parents arrived first, with Jared’s only ten minutes behind. All four of them (five, including Jensen) stood there in heavy silence. not sure what to say. Jared’s depression was something Jensen had been experiencing second-hand for more than a decade, but this…this was new and foreign and absolutely terrifying.

After getting a short rundown of Jared’s prognosis from Jensen, nobody said much of anything.

When dinnertime rolled around, Donna didn’t bother asking Jensen to leave to get food with them; she just promised to bring him something back. Jensen smiled in thanks, thinking that that it didn’t really matter; he’d either throw it away or throw it up. Again.

The parents filed out of the room leaving Jensen alone with Jared. He was sitting by the bed again, the chair pushed up as close as possible. He dropped his head onto Jared’s hip, tears leaking slowly out of his eyes. _Come back to me, Jay_ was the only thought running through his head as he dozed off.

He was woken two hours later by Jared’s parents.

“Jensen, honey,” Sherri said gently, “do you mind if we have a few minutes alone with Jared?” Her expression was so earnest, so pleading, so scared, that no matter how much Jensen wanted to cover Jared, keep him protected, not take his eyes off him, he knew he couldn’t say no to the request.

So he nodded once and left silently, pausing outside the closed door, trying to decide what to do. He started wandering the halls and after a few minutes found himself in the cafeteria. He bought a cup of coffee and drank it without tasting it; then he went to the gift shop. He ended up buying a stuffed dog to surprise Jared with when he woke up because _yes_ , Jared was definitely waking up. He roamed the halls mindlessly, clutching the stuffed animal tightly and wishing it was Jared’s hand instead.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That third night, after Jared’s parents had left and the noise outside the room dulled down, after the lights dimmed and the nurses began speaking in hushed voices, Jensen said screw it and climbed into the tiny hospital bed that was barely large enough to hold Jared, let alone both of them. He didn’t care, though. He missed sleeping with his partner and he needed, he _craved_ that closeness. Lying next to Jared like that, their bodies pressed together from foreheads to toes, gave Jensen a sense of calm that he hadn’t felt since Jared had passed out in their hotel room. Hearing the inhale-exhale of Jared’s breathing, feeling the steady pulse against his own, knowing that Jared was conscious _but still alive_ lulled Jensen to sleep.

Jensen woke suddenly, not sure what had pulled him from his fitful sleep. It was still dark out, probably only just past midnight. He was breathing slowly while trying to get his bearings when he heard harsh, erratic breathing beside him. He looked to his left and saw Jared, eyes wide open and struggling to sit up. Jensen rolled off the bed to give Jared some space but stayed close, keeping a hand wrapped around Jared’s wrist.

“Jay! You’re awake, oh thank god!” Jared turned his head, eyes trying to focus on Jensen’s face.

“Wha—“ his voice croaked painfully. He coughed and cleared his throat, trying again. “What is…where am I?”

“Jared? You, uh, don’t remember? You’re in the hospital.” Jensen moved his hand from Jared’s wrist to his forehead, stroking the sweat-damp hair away from his face. He was surprised when Jared flinched away.

“Who’re you?” he asked, confusion clouding his face. Jensen would’ve sworn his heart stopped for a minute.

“It’s me, Jay. Jensen?  Your…um…” Jensen wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence. Lover sounded too impersonal, partner sounded too vague, best friend didn’t encompass everything that they were to each other, and Jensen found himself wishing he could call Jared his husband.

“I don’t…” Jared trailed off, eyes closing. Jensen panicked, worried that Jared would fall unconscious again. He ran out of the room and down the hall to the nurse’s station.

“Jared! He just woke up!” Jensen panted, then ran back to Jared’s room. Two nurses rushed in a minute later and began bustling around Jared. Jensen wasn’t sure what they were doing, but when he heard Jared’s voice again he didn’t really care.

One nurse crouched next to Jared, speaking to him softly while the other nurse read over his charts. Jensen could hear the nurse asking Jared questions and as Jared responded his voice stuttered over some words and slurred through others. Jensen sat back, not wanting to butt in and mess something up. After a few minutes, the nurse stood up and walked around to bed towards Jensen.

“He was confused—he didn’t even know who I was,” Jensen mumbled.

“That’s pretty normal,” the nurse said. “He’s been unconscious for three days and his body’s been trying to process everything he took. The disorientation will lessen over the next twelve hours or so.” Jensen nodded.

“Can I do anything?”

“Let him sleep. That’ll help speed things up. And be there for him when he wakes up.”

“Of course,” Jensen said. The only way he’d leave Jared is if somebody dragged his dead body out of the room.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen wanted to climb back into the bed with Jared, but the way Jared had freaked out when he woke up the first time made Jensen hesitate. He decided instead to pull the cot up right next to the bed. He laid down and turned onto his side so that he could watch Jared. Soon after, he drifted off, tension slowly leaving his body.

He was startled awake for the second time that night. The sun still hadn’t come up, and this time he knew immediately that Jared was awake again. He reached out to touch him but paused when his fingers were still inches away from Jared’s. His heart skipped a beat when Jared lifted his hand slightly, brushing his fingers against Jensen’s in a silent invitation. Jensen enveloped Jared’s hand in his own, feeling the constant warmth of Jared’s skin seeping into his own.

“Jen,” Jared breathed, and Jensen broke down.


	13. Ebb and Flow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I just posted 3 chapters in under 24 hours. You're welcome! (And I really hope you like this one.)

Jensen climbed into the bed and hid his face against Jared’s neck. He clung tight to Jared, terrified that if he let go Jared would be ripped from him. Again. He could feel Jared petting his head, trying to calm him down.

“I’m so sorry,” Jensen choked out in between sobs. Jared’s hand stilled but stayed resting on Jensen’s head.

“Why’re you sorry? Jen,” Jared sighed, already sounding sleepy again. “You didn’t do—I mean, ‘s my fault.”

“No! When we were talking, after you and _Genevieve_ —“ Jensen spat the name out, hating the taste of it on his tongue, “had a fight, I didn’t realize…god, I had no idea how what I was saying might have sounded. So it’s my fault, Jay. It’s my fault and you should have never felt so…so alone and hopeless that you felt you needed to…” Jensen trailed off, not wanting to utter the words, put a name to the actions that had brought Jared here, that had nearly broken Jensen’s heart.

“Jens’n,” Jared whispered.

“Yeah, baby?”

“Don’t leave me.”

“Never, Jared. I’d rather tear out my own heart.”

“So dramatic,” Jared teased quietly as his eyelids fluttered closed. Jensen leaned over and kissed each of Jared’s eyelids softly before leaving a lingering kiss on his lips. He slumped back, suddenly realizing how exhausted he was as well. Everything that had happened in the last three days rolled over him, drowning him in terror and distress and hopelessness and angst and numbness and finally, relief.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The third time Jensen woke up was caused by a nurse dropping a clipboard onto the floor. Jensen jerked awake at the noise, looking around wildly before realizing that it was just Julia. She had an apologetic look on her face as she bent down to pick the clipboard back up. Any other day, Jensen would’ve been embarrassed to be caught squished up against Jared in a tiny hospital bed, but Jared was awake and he remembered Jensen and that was really all Jensen cared about.

He dropped his head back down onto Jared’s shoulder as Jared shifted beside him.

“Nice to finally see you awake, Jared,” Julia said, keeping her voice low.

“Thanks.”

“Are you feeling better? Less disoriented?”

“I remember the important things,” Jared answered as he gripped Jensen’s wrist almost painfully. Jensen just laid there, Jared’s and Julia’s voices sounding distant through his haze of exhaustion, filtering in slowly and not making much sense. Jensen didn’t try to keep up with the conversation, was just glad that Jared was awake and able to _have_ a conversation.

“Jensen,” Julia’s voice cut through his rambling thoughts, “I need to draw some blood, run a few tests. We need to make sure that there was no…lasting damage.” Jensen dragged his body up and off the bed, falling back onto the cot.

“You mean his liver or kidneys or something, don’t you.” It wasn’t a question but Jensen still hoped she’d answer it with a no.

“There’s always a chance of that, yes,” she replied somberly. “We’ll get the test results back in a few hours, okay?” Jensen sighed as new wave of worry rolled through him. Jared was alive and awake, but that didn’t mean he was okay. Maybe not physically but most definitely not psychologically. Julia left the room after a minute and Jared reached towards Jensen.

“Come back up here?” he asked, and Jensen obliged. He rested his head on Jared’s chest and linked their fingers together.

“Jay…we’re gonna have to talk about this.” Jensen hated bringing it up, but it had to be done.

“I know, baby,” Jared replied. “Can we at least wait ‘til I get out of here?”

“I don’t know,” Jensen answered honestly. “I was—I _am_ so worried about you, and we need to figure out what to do next.”

“What do you mean, what to do next?” Jared asked as he raised himself up slightly.

“We can’t just go home and pretend this didn’t happen.”

“Well, yeah, I get that. And obviously I’ll start seeing my therapist again—“

“Jay, I don’t think that’s gonna cut it this time.”

“What…what are you saying, Jensen?” Jared asked, voice low and gruff. Jensen had thought about this a few times over the last three days, in between the panic and the sadness.

“I’m saying maybe you should, you know, go somewhere.”

“Like a psych ward?!” Jared said in alarm.

“No! No, Jay, not that. More like a…” Jensen paused, trying to remember what it was called. “A residential treatment facility,” he said carefully. Jared dropped back onto the bed.

“Like that one four years ago,” he murmured, and Jensen nodded.

“But you don’t have to go to that one specifically,” Jensen added quickly.

“And what if I don’t want to go to one at all?” Jared snapped back.

“It’s your choice, babe. But you know I just want to help you, right? And I would never suggest this if I didn’t think it would help.” Jared shrugged, not bothering to argue with Jensen on that point.

“I’ll think about it,” he said finally.

“That’s all I’m asking,” Jensen replied as he leaned up and touched his lips to Jared’s cheek.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Babe, your parents are gonna kill me if I don’t call them soon to let them know you’re awake.”

“My parents are here?” Jared asked in surprise. Jensen looked at him, eyebrows raised like the word _duh_ was written all over his face. Then he smirked.

“Oh, and mine are too.”

“Great,” Jared muttered. “Can I at least shower first?”

“I would hope so,” Jensen replied, scrunching his nose up. “You kinda stink.” Jared swatted at him from where he was sitting up in bed, then pouted.

“I don’t even have any clean clothes.”

“Uh, actually,” Jensen said as he bent down and pulled a shirt, pajama pants, and clean boxers from his duffel bag, “Rob came by while you were still…yeah. He brought me a few changes of clothes and I _guess_ I’ll let you borrow some.”

Ever since the doctor had come in around 10am and told them that Jared’s blood tests came back and there was no cause for concern, they both had instantly brightened, the tension hanging in the air dissipating quickly as they joked and traded quips with each other.

“Wow, so considerate,” Jared scoffed. He pressed the button to call the nurse, and Julia appeared a minute later.

“Jared! You’re looking…pretty damn good,” she said. Jared flushed and Jensen narrowed his eyes at her. “Jensen,” she scolded him lightly when she saw his expression, “the jealousy thing is cute in theory but it really isn’t necessary.”

“Anyways,” Jared interrupted before things got uncomfortable, “my parents will probably be here soon and I’d _really_ like to shower first. Can I…?” Julia pursed her lips, thinking.

“You’re still pretty unsteady on your feet. There is a bench in the shower but it would probably be better if someone was still there to help you just in case—“

“I can do it,” Jensen offered quickly, worried that she might suggest some nurse or something to go in there with Jared.

“—so maybe Jensen could help you with that,” Julia continued like Jensen hadn’t even spoken. Jared turned to grin at Jensen, Julia offering him one as well just a few seconds later. Jensen flushed pink and cleared his throat.

“Right, um…can we get some towels?”

“Of course,” she replied, walking over to a tall closet by the window. “Do you need soap or shampoo or anything?” she asked as she dug out four towels.

“Nah, I got that already,” Jensen replied, rifling through his bag again.

“Okay. I’m going to disconnect Jared from the IV. Since his blood tests were normal he’ll be fine without it. Besides, trying to shower with an IV attached to you is extremely unenjoyable.”

“Works for me,” Jared said. She pulled the needle out slowly and covered the small hole with a band aid. Jensen reached for Jared’s arms and helped him stand up slowly.

“I’ll be outside. There’s a call button in the bathroom if you need anything.” Jensen nodded a thanks and Julia left the room, shutting the door firmly behind her.

“Hey, Jen,” Jared said, smirking naughtily, “ever had sex in a hospital shower?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They didn’t exactly end up having shower sex. After undressing them both, Jensen turned on the water, just short of scalding the way Jared liked it. As the steam filled up the bathroom Jared began to sway.

“Jared?” Jensen asked worriedly.

“Just dizzy,” he said. “Probably should sit.” Jensen led him over to the bench and started soaping up Jared’s hair with shampoo. Jared leaned back against the wall, letting Jensen wash him. After Jensen had washed Jared’s body, barely resisting the urge to take Jared’s cock in his hand or mouth or somewhere else, he quickly washed himself. As Jensen’s hands scrubbed down his own body, Jared moaned quietly.

“I guess the sex is a no-go?” He sounded more amused than upset and Jensen bent down, offering a wet and dirty kiss.

“Not today, babe,” he replied, standing up and rinsing away the shampoo and soap. He jerked when something warm and wet curled around his cock. It was Jared’s hand, wet and slippery from the water and leftover soap, and it felt _so good_. “Jaaaaay,” Jensen groaned.

“Hey, I might not be up for it,” Jared said, looking down at himself before amending his statement with a smirk, “metaphorically speaking. But I’m pretty sure my hand still works just fine.” He grinned wickedly and began jacking Jensen off, quick and dirty, driving Jensen over the edge in just a few minutes. Jensen leaned against the cool tiles of the walls, eyes closed and breathing heavily. After he caught his breath, he leaned over Jared and grasped his rock-hard cock. He looked Jared in the eyes.

“Are you gonna pass out if I do this?” Jared was silent while he thought.

“No,” he said finally. Jensen could tell Jared wasn’t lying, but that didn’t necessarily mean Jared was wrong.

“Ah, what the hell.” Jensen threw caution to the wind and began stroking Jared slowly, his grip tight around the shaft.

“Jen,” Jared moaned, “faster.” Jensen sped up his pace.

When Jared’s head was thrown back and his eyes were closed, Jensen knew Jared was close, so he bent down and wrapped his lips around the head of Jared’s cock. Jared came with a shout of surprise, spurting into Jensen’s mouth as Jensen swallowed it down easily, having done it thousands of times before. Jared’s cock softened and Jensen let it slide slowly from his mouth. He felt Jared tilt sideways and Jensen grabbed his shoulders, pushing him upright.

“Jay! Hey, you promised you wouldn’t pass out,” Jensen said, pushing Jared’s wet hair off his forehead.

“Didn’t,” Jared mumbled, though he looked like he was about to.

“Jared, don’t! I really don’t wanna have to call Julia in here and explain why you fainted.” Jared began giggling and Jensen huffed out a sigh mingled with frustration and amusement. He let go of Jared when he was sure he wouldn’t fall and turned the water off. He grabbed two towels, wiping first Jared then himself dry. He pulled Jared up to standing and wrapped the third towel around Jared’s hips. He wrapped the last one around himself and led Jared out of the bathroom.

He sat Jared on the bed and dressed himself quickly, then pulled Jared back up to standing. The towel slipped off Jared’s hips and Jensen stared for a moment. He could never get tired of that view, and as his eyes swept up and down Jared’s 6’4” tanned, built like a Greek god-body, his own body crackled with renewed arousal. He wanted to reach out and run his hands all over Jared’s skin, not caring about the fact that he had done that just five minutes before. Instead, he helped Jared step into the boxer briefs and the flannel pants, then pulled the t-shirt over Jared’s head, working his arms through the holes. Jared was loose and pliant underneath Jensen’s touches, and it would have been adorable except for how all of this had come about.

He set Jared back onto the bed; somebody must have come in and changed the sheets while they were showering, and Jensen hoped that the walls separating the bedroom and bathroom were at least somewhat soundproof.

“I’m gonna call your parents now. Do you wanna sleep for a few hours before they come by?”

“Mmm,” Jared hummed, and Jensen took that as a yes.

“You want my parents to come by too?” Jared just nodded his head this time before Jensen heard light snoring. He smiled and picked up his phone. These calls were going to be so much easier than the ones he’d made the day before.


	14. Conversations and Compromises

Sherri practically shrieked with joy when Jensen got her on the phone and told her Jared was awake.

“Is he okay? Tell me he’s okay! Can we come see him? Oh, I don’t care if he wants us there or not, we’re coming right over!” she babbled.

“Sherri!” Jensen had to yell to get her attention. “Jared’s fine, just really tired, so if he falls asleep like fifteen minutes after you get here don’t take it personally, okay?”

“No, of course not, honey! We’re leaving now, we’ll see you soon.” Jensen hung up then called his own parents, who also insisted on coming over immediately.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After everyone had arrived and joined them in Jared’s room, it was filled with idle chatter that was light and easy. It tapered off after ten minutes and there was a full two minutes of silence before Gerry broke it.

“So, Jared…I guess we have some things to discuss.” Jared’s eyeroll was so impressive that Jensen thought it actually caused a slight breeze.

“Dad, I appreciate the concern but—“

“You _appreciate_ the _concern_?” Gerry interrupted, voice rising. “We weren’t concerned, Jared, we were fucking terrified!” Jared snapped his mouth shut and Jensen whipped his head around in surprise. He’d never heard Gerry say any cuss word other than the occasional ‘dammit’. “And Jensen…when he called to tell us what happened...Jared, I was almost as scared for him as I was for you! I’ve never heard a person in so much pain.”

Jared dropped his eyes and blushed in shame. Jensen couldn’t bear to see that and jumped in before Gerry could say more.

“Wait, wait! Look…yes, Jared scared the shit outta me and he knows that. And _I_ know that he didn’t do it to hurt me. _He_ was the one in pain, and I didn’t know! I wasn’t there for him! God, I made it worse, and I had no clue! And I didn’t mean to hurt him but I did. He doesn’t deserve to be yelled at, okay?! Fuck, if you really wanna yell at someone, yell at me!” Jensen turned to each parent as he was talking, looking them in the eye, making sure they got the message.

“Jen…” Jared said softly.

“No, Jay! It’s not okay! You were hurting and I wasn’t there and it’s not your fault so just—“ Jensen felt himself breathing hard, too hard. Strong hands led him to Jared’s bed, sitting him down and pushing his head down between his knees.

“Breathe, Jen,” Jared whispered as he stroked Jensen’s hair. Jensen managed to calm down after taking a few deep breaths and letting them out slowly. He sat up and leaned back, feeling Jared’s solid presence behind him. Everyone stared at him in silence. “You okay?” Jared whispered in his ear. Jensen nodded.

“I’m just saying,” he said, picking right back up where he left off as if nothing had just happened, “getting angry and pointing fingers and placing blame…y’all know it’s not right, and it’s _not_ going to help anything. Or anyone.”

“Jensen, you’re right,” Sherri sighed, then turned to Jared. “Honey, we’re sorry. Sometimes…sometimes it’s easier to be angry than scared. But we’re not mad, we’re just…” she trailed off.

“Worried,” Gerry supplied. “So incredibly worried.” Jared finally looked up and met his parents’ eyes. He nodded in understanding. “And we would really like you to go somewhere after you get out of here, get some extra help and support.”

“Mom, dad,” Jared said, “I understand. But this is something that I need to talk to Jensen about alone.” Gerry looked like he wanted to argue but Sherri laid a hand on his arm and he deflated.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The conversation soon went back to a more lighthearted one, and eventually their parents left to get dinner. Donna asked Jensen to come and when Jensen declined, she nodded like it was the answer she expected. Jensen had least gained most of his appetite back, though, so he and Jared ate hospital food while watching a baseball game on the TV in the room. During the 7th inning stretch, Jensen muted the game and turned to face Jared. Jared must have known what was coming because he sighed resignedly.

“Sorry, babe,” Jensen said, “but we gotta decide on something.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Jared paused. “Okay. I don’t want to go somewhere.” Jensen rubbed his hands over his face.

“You’re not gonna budge on this, are you?”

“Look, Jensen. I know what I did was…well, yeah. But two of the biggest factors of that decision were all the crap that’s been going on with Genevieve, and then thinking that you were—“

“Don’t say it,” Jensen begged. He couldn’t bear to hear those words come out of his partner’s mouth.

“All I’m saying is, you take those two things away and this probably wouldn’t have happened.”

“I’m sorry,” Jensen whispered, eyes stinging with tears.

“Baby, I’m not blaming you. I’m saying that now that I know you’re not going anywhere, that we got that misunderstanding cleared up, and now that Genevieve _has_ to sign the divorce papers…I just, I’m not gonna—that’s not gonna happen again. Ever.”

“You promise?” Jensen’s voice cracked.

Jared stood up, legs still shaky but much better than he’d been that morning. He walked the few steps over to Jensen and perched on his lap. Jensen wrapped his arms loosely around Jared’s waist and Jared bent down to kiss him.

“I promise,” he said against Jensen’s lips. Jensen’s mouth curved up into a smile and he kissed Jared back, deepening it after a minute. He was running his hands down Jared’s chest, almost to the waistband of his pants when he heard at quiet “Oh!” on the other side of the room. He pulled away from Jared just enough to be able to see around him.

“Oh, hey, Julia,” Jensen greeted her.

“You want me to come back?” she asked, snickering loudly.

“Yes,” Jensen muttered against Jared’s neck.

“No, that’s okay,” Jared said, smirking at Jensen.

“Just need to take your vitals, I’ll be done in two minutes.” Jared nodded and slid off Jensen’s lap, wobbling a little as he made his way back to the bed.

“So, when am I gonna get out of here?” he asked casually as she wrapped a blood pressure cuff around his arm. She glanced up at him, eyebrows raised as if to say _Did I not just see you nearly stumble when trying to walk a measly five feet?_ Jared huffed out a sigh. “I’m serious,” he insisted.

“It’s up to the doctor,” she finally answered, “but as long as nothing drastic happens in the next twelve hours, I think you have a good chance of leaving tomorrow.” Jared grinned at the news; Jensen’s smile wasn’t nearly as big or genuine.

Twelve hours didn’t give Jensen much time to figure out what they were going to do, so he pulled out his laptop that his parents had brought him from his hotel room. As it booted up, Julia left the room and Jared perked up, looking over at him.

“Whatcha doing?”

“Lookin’ up some stuff.”

“Care to elaborate?” Jared pressed. Jensen shrugged before looking up.

“If you don’t wanna go somewhere, that means we’re gonna have to bring people to you.” Jared’s eyebrow raised quizzically before realizing what Jensen was talking about. He groaned and dropped back onto the bed. “You know,” Jensen continued, “if you’re gonna act like a toddler, I’m gonna treat you like one.” Jared sat up.

“Okay,” he said seriously, sitting up again, “what’d you have in mind?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“ _That’s_ your plan?” Jared asked, sounding wholly unconvinced.

“Um, yeah. What’s wrong with it?” Jensen replied defensively. It was the next morning and they were puttering around the hospital room, waiting for the doctor to show up and give Jared the all-clear to leave.

“Well, for starters, you want us to rent a house in Austin. _Austin_ , where we already own _four_ houses between the two of us.”

“No, I want to rent a house in the country _outside_ of Austin,” Jensen corrected.

“And that’s different how?”

“Look…I just thought staying somewhere more like…” Jensen searched for the right phrase before continuing, “neutral ground would be a good idea.”

“Neutral ground?”

“A place where neither of our exes have stepped foot in?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I’ll admit that’s not a bad idea,” Jared conceded.

“Gee, thanks.”

“But after that? You still want me to go to a, uh, residential treatment facility or whatever?”

“As an outpatient, Jare. You wouldn’t be living there, you’d go there five days a week and come home in the afternoon and stay the nights with me and it’s not for _that_ long,” Jensen said in one long breath.

“Eight weeks is kinda long, Jen.”

“Jay, this is the best I could come up with. I thought it’d be a good compromise.” Jared flopped down onto the bed in frustration. He stared at Jensen, trying to find a chink in his resolve.

“You’re not gonna budge on this, are you?” he said, repeating Jensen’s own observation about Jared from the day before.

“I mean, I can’t physically force you to go,” Jensen admitted, “but…I kinda hope my opinion matters at least a little to you.”

“Oh, that’s low, Jen,” Jared said, but a smile played at his lips. He sighed dramatically and threw a hand up against his forehead, falling all the way back onto bed.

“Who’s the dramatic one now?” Jensen poked Jared in the side and Jared wiggled away.

“Fine,” he said without sitting up.

“Fine, like you’ll go?”

“Fine, like I’ll go,” Jared agreed reluctantly. Jensen breathed a sigh of relief, his fears easing now that they finally had a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I've been working on chapter 15 for more than two days now and it's being extremely stubborn. I'm not even halfway through it. So it might not get posted until the 30th, unfortunately. But I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)


	15. Pain Not Pleasure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the chapter that was the most difficult for me to write ended up be the longest one yet, as well as one of my favorites. I hope it was worth the wait for you as well.
> 
> Special thanks to cyncitymojo for this one. One sentence from you completely broke my writer's block <3

When Jared was released a few hours later, he threw a mild hissy fit when he was told that he’d have to be pushed down to the exit in a wheelchair.

“ _Are you fucking kidding me?_ ”

“Jay, no offense, but you kinda sound like a petulant child,” Jensen said as he packed his bag.

“Well, Jen, I kinda feel like one, what with them not even letting me _walk_ out of the hospital!”

“You can barely walk down the hall!”

“Whatever,” Jared muttered, but he couldn’t argue. Jensen pressed up against him in an instant, breath ghosting over Jared’s lips.

“Baby, it’s _two minutes_. Two minutes in a wheelchair and then you’re free, okay?” His fingers were absently playing in Jared’s hair and Jared tilted his head, leaning into it subconsciously.

“Not completely free,” he said under his breath.

“Jay…”

“Let’s just go.” He pulled away from Jensen’s touch and Jensen’s arm fell, fist clenching around nothing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They made it to the airport and the flight to Austin was smooth and uneventful. Even if hadn’t been full, Jensen figured Jared wouldn’t want to talk, so he sat beside him silently, gripping his hand under a blanket as Jared snoozed.

Outside the Austin airport they hailed a cab to Jensen’s place. They didn’t stay long, as they were just stopping by to grab Jensen’s car, plenty of clothes and toiletries, books, Jared’s laptop, and two guitars. They did, however, spend a lazy thirty minutes in the shower together, washing off the hospital smell and the plane grime and the rollercoaster of emotions that both of them had experienced over the previous week. They made out languidly under the warm stream, not rushing anything and not pushing to take it farther.

Jensen melted into Jared, body and soul. His heart ached, wishing that their life together could consist solely of moments like this. The pain and sorrow and anguish that came from over a decade of lying and hiding and worrying that they would be exposed even though most of the time Jensen kind of hoped that they would be…Jensen sloughed it off himself and his partner, his best friend, his love, letting it disappear down the drain.

But he knew it was only a temporary reprieve, that the moment they stepped out of the shower and back into the real world all those emotions would build up again, build up in Jensen’s heart and in Jared’s head and over their whole life, like layers of dust that never seemed to go away no matter how often he dusted.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The sprawling ranch house that Jensen had rented for the next six months sat on twenty acres of rolling hills an hour outside of the city. Jensen sat behind the wheel, alternating fiddling with the stereo and sneaking surreptitious glances over at Jared. Jared seemed nervous, tapping his foot and drumming his fingers fitfully on his thigh, looking out the window for a few minutes before turning around to look out the back windshield for five seconds, tugging at his hair and changing the radio station right after Jensen had settled on one. Jensen let Jared fidget like this for thirty whole minutes before he said something.

“Jay.”

“Yeah?”

“You okay?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m fine. Why?”

“Because you’re squirming like someone put itching powder in your pants.” Jared laughed, but it sounded hollow. “Seriously, man. What’s wrong?” Jared sighed.

“What do you think?”

“Jay, I’m doing the best I can here. If you don’t trust the anything else, will you at least trust me?” Jensen asked earnestly. Jared huffed.

“How am I supposed to say no to that?”

“You’re not,” Jensen grinned cheekily. Jared just sat back and rolled his eyes, but for the rest of the drive he seemed much more settled, even initiating a few minutes of pleasant conversation.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When Jensen pulled onto the drive and the house came into view, Jared didn’t quite manage to stifle his gasp.

“You like it?” Jensen asked nervously.

“Jen, it’s…it’s pretty damn beautiful.” Jensen sighed happily.

“I’m glad you like it. I was kinda hoping we could stay here for a few months, even after you finish…you know.”

“We’ll see,” Jared shrugged, but he still hadn’t taken his eyes off the front of the house and he was perched on the edge of the seat like he was waiting to jump out as soon as the car slowed down. Jensen pulled up to the side of the house and Jared’s door was open before Jensen had even turned off the engine.

“Dude, it’s locked! I gotta find the keys,” Jensen called out.

“Well, hurry up then!” Jared was standing on the front porch, forehead pressed against the glass at the top of the door trying to see inside.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Oomph!” Jensen grunted as he was slammed against the wall the moment they entered the bedroom. Jared attacked his mouth, kissing him hard and dirty and with more teeth than usual. “Jay, baby, slow down!”

“Jen, I need this, please,” Jared begged breathlessly before pulling Jensen away from the door and stripping off both of their shirts. He then pushed Jensen backwards until his legs caught on the end of the bed and he fell back. Jared crawled on top of him and attached his lips to Jensen’s neck, sucking so many hickeys so close together that it looked like the left side of his neck was just one big purple bruise. At the same time, his fingers were working deftly to undo Jensen’s jeans before pulling them down, snagging the boxers on the way as well. Jared went to work on his own, and a few seconds later his body was covering Jensen’s, both of them naked and hard.

“Jared,” Jensen groaned, “babe, you need to calm down!” Jared was rutting against Jensen. He was shaking but Jensen didn’t think it was from arousal.

“Just, let me…please, Jen!” Jared said. Before Jensen could answer, Jared had Jensen’s cock in a lube-slick hand. Jensen barely had the time to wonder when—and where--Jared had gotten the lube before Jared was guiding Jensen’s cock to his hole and sinking down slowly.

“Jared, what the fuck?!” Jensen yelled, gripping Jared’s hips tightly, trying to stop him. “God, Jay, you’re upset and you’re not even prepped! You’re gonna hurt yourself!” Jensen moaned involuntarily as Jared sunk down another inch.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Jared assured him breathlessly and Jensen could tell he was lying. But Jensen didn’t have the strength or leverage to push Jared up and off, and Jared was snug against his hips after a few more seconds. Jensen cringed at the pain on Jared’s face.

“Jay, I’m hurting you! Please get up!” Jared shut him up with a kiss and began moving up and down.

Jensen moaned again. Jared was tight—tighter than Jensen had ever felt him—and knowing that he was because he hadn’t let Jensen prep him almost made Jensen soft. But Jared felt too good around him and Jensen’s body took control over this brain. His eyes rolled back as Jared picked up speed, and Jensen knew he wasn’t going to last much longer. He reached for Jared’s cock but Jared grabbed his hand first, linking their fingers together and bringing their hands back to the bed just above Jensen’s head. Jensen knew Jared liked to come untouched when he was bottoming and he figured this time was no different.

It was only a few more minutes before he felt his orgasm pooling hot in his belly. He came hard, filling Jared up so much that it started leaking back out around his cock. When Jensen’s brain came back online, he realized that there was no come on his chest from Jared, and when he checked Jared was soft, his body slumped over Jensen’s. Jensen felt wetness on his neck and realized that Jared was crying.

“Baby? Oh, god, what’d you…” Jensen said softly, stroking Jared’s hair and trying to get Jared to look at him. “Hey, can you get up? I need to check—Jay, I need to make sure you’re not hurt.”

“’m fine,” Jared mumbled, but lifted off Jensen and rolled to the side, facing away from him. Jensen got up slowly, head still spinning slightly from Jared’s minor freakout and his own orgasm. He found clean towels in the linen closet and soaked a washcloth with warm water from the bathroom sink. He came back into the bedroom and laid his hand softly on Jared’s side.

“Roll onto your stomach for me?” Jared did so silently. Jensen rubbed his hands down Jared’s back lightly, trying to soothe him before he reached Jared’s ass and pulled the cheeks apart gently. When he saw the puffy, pink abused hole and a trickle of blood, he inhaled sharply.

“Shit, Jay.” He wiped at it carefully but Jared flinched at the lightest touch of the washcloth. Jensen sighed. “How much does it hurt?”

“Only a little.” Jared’s voice was muffled against the pillow.

“You wanna try that again with the truth?”

“Really, it’s only a little sore,” Jared lied again.

“Jay, you’re bleeding!” Jared didn’t say anything. “Babe, I gotta know if I need to take you to the hospital—“

“What?! No! No, Jensen. It hurts, okay? It hurts but that’s it. It doesn’t feel like somebody ra—“ Jared snapped his mouth shut before he finished the sentence but Jensen knew what he had almost said. He pushed off the bed quickly, finding his boxers and putting them back on. Having this conversation while naked felt really wrong.

“You…” Jensen swallowed thickly. “You feel like I ra—raped you?” His voice broke on the last two words, and it made Jared turn over to face him.

“NO! God, no, Jen. I said it hurt but not like _that_.”

“Okay but the fact that you even compared it to _that_ …oh god, I think I’m gonna be sick,” Jensen said before rushing to the bathroom and heaving into the toilet. Jared appeared a minute later, also back in his boxers. He bent down next to Jensen, wincing as he did so. His hand smoothed up and down Jensen’s spine.

“Jen, forget I said that, please? I was just…I dunno, I was freaking out and it felt like the only thing that would anchor me down was—was having sex with you.”

“And you couldn’t have taken five extra minutes to let me get you ready so that I didn’t make you bleed?” Jensen choked out angrily.

“Not really,” Jared said honestly. “Jen, I’ll be fine. Look,” he appeased, “if I’m still bleed—um, if it’s still bad tomorrow, I’ll let you take me to the doctor. But please, don’t be mad at me!”

“Mad at _you_? Jared, I’m mad at _me_! I mean…shit, what do I do?”

“Just give me some time and it’ll heal—“

“Jared, I don’t mean about what just happened! I’m talking about _everything_! Everything that’s happened in the last week, the last few months; hell, everything that’s happened over the course of our relationship! Tell me how to make it all better!” Jensen pleaded. Jared ran his fingers through Jensen’s short hair.

“Just give me some time,” he repeated, but softer and slower and with more underlying meaning. Jensen nodded and sniffed. He grabbed some toilet paper and wiped off the tears and snot from his face. When he looked up, Jared was looking at him intently, worry etched onto his face. Jensen chuckled.

“I’m supposed to be the one with that look on my face, you know. I’m the one who’s supposed to be worried about you.”

“Yeah, well, there’s no rule saying we can’t both be worried about each other at the same time.”

“There’s no reason to be worried about me, Jay.”

“Yeah. Sure there isn’t,” Jared replied, then pulled him up. “So…I wouldn’t say no to a nap?”

“Me either,” Jensen agreed. “But…we’re gonna have to talk later.”

“Again?” Jared asked, obviously frustrated.

“After what just happened, Jay? Yes, again. Definitely.”

“Fine,” Jared said, not bothering to fight Jensen on it.

“C’mon. I’m exhausted,” Jensen said, grabbing Jared’s hand and leading him to the bed. He placed a sweet kiss on Jared’s lips before Jared laid his head on Jensen’s chest and they both dozed off.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They slept the rest of the evening and through the night, glad to have a real bed that was big enough for them to sleep together in comfortably. Jensen woke before Jared for the first time in months. He laid in bed for a while, just listening Jared’s deep breaths and trying to sort through all the crap in his mind. He finally got up to turn on the coffee maker but hurried right back to the bedroom. He felt uneasy leaving Jared alone, even though he knew it was a little paranoid. But Jared had been so unpredictable with his actions lately and it scared Jensen, and being next to Jared, or at least in the same room as him, as much as possible was the only thing that eased his fears.

Jared stirred at the same time the smell of freshly-brewed coffee filled the house.

“Morning, baby,” Jensen whispered, pushing Jared’s sleep-wild hair away from his face.

“Smells good,” Jared murmured. Jared always sounded so young and vulnerable and at peace in the space between sleeping and waking, and it never failed to make Jensen’s heart flutter just a little.

“Shower first?” He urged Jared out of the bed and into the bathroom. Jared grunted when his feet hit the cool tile.

“You gonna shower with me?” Jared asked. Jensen was pretty sure Jared hadn’t actually opened his eyes yet.

“I always shower with you, Jay.”

“Thought you’d be mad, after las’ night.” Jensen didn’t respond, just leaned into the extra-large shower (with two shower heads on opposite-facing walls, something that Jensen decided immediately every bathroom should have) and turned the faucet so that hot water was pouring from both sides of the stall.

“C’mon, get in,” Jensen said. Jared finally opened his eyes when he felt the droplets hitting his skin.

“Are you?” he asked again. “Mad,” he then clarified.

“No, but...why, Jared? Why’d you do that?”

“I told you last night,” Jared answered as he poured a generous amount of shampoo into his palm.

“You didn’t tell me much,” Jensen said as he snagged the bottle from Jared.

“I dunno, Jen. I just kinda started freaking out all of a sudden.”

“Do you know why?” Jensen had moved on to washing his body, and Jared paused to stare at his roaming hands and soapy skin. “Jay?” Jensen asked after a minute, and Jared snapped back to attention.

“I dunno, maybe. Kinda…”

“Well, that’s not vague or anything.”

“It’s complicated.”

“I’m listening,” Jensen said, waiting patiently and then not-so patiently.

“It’s…I mean, I know that after you found out Genevieve had been calling me a lot you asked a few times what she wanted, and I never told you any specifics…”

“I figured you’d talk when you were ready.”

“Yeah, but I should’ve talked about it months ago.”

“Well, you can tell me now,” Jensen pointed out.

“I know, I am,” Jared said as he turned the water hotter and Jensen realized that they were about to have this very important conversation standing naked in the shower. “So, the first time she called it was to apologize, and I thought that it was over and done with; I even sorta hoped that she wouldn’t fight the divorce. But a few days later, she called me again and she was crying. At first I was freaked out, y’know, I was scared maybe something had happened to the kids. But that wasn’t it. She said that she, uh, missed me, and that she wanted me to come home, like I was actually her husband or something. I told her no, I tried to set her straight while being gentle about it. Then she called me a few days after that. She wasn’t crying that time, but she was really upset. Said she loved me and she didn’t understand how I could spend ten years with her and not love her. I tried to explain that I never loved her, we spent ten years together but it was all a façade, fake PDA and contracts and bearding, and that, oh yeah, I’m gay and in love with my co-star, and have been for the last fourteen years. Obviously she didn’t take that very well. She didn’t call again for a week, but after that she started calling every two to three days. Always the same thing: why don’t I love her, did she do something wrong, how will our kids feel, how can I do this to her…” Jared’s voice was edging on manic and Jensen stopped him for a moment.

“Calm down, Jay. Just breathe, okay?” Jared nodded and they stood in silence for a few minutes, Jensen running his hands up and down Jared’s arms while Jared’s hands rested lightly on Jensen’s hips. “You okay now?”

“Yeah. I need to finish this.”

“Of course, baby. I’m listening.”

“So when all this started, I knew she was being irrational, unreasonable, and that I hadn’t done anything wrong. She knew from the very beginning how it was going to be, you know? We never lied to her, I never led her on, and I just didn’t understand where all this was coming from.” Jared took a deep breath before continuing. “But after awhile, her words started to get to me. I mean, obviously I still knew that I didn’t love her and never would, but I began to feel guilty. Like maybe I _should_ love her, even though I never would, never could, and even if I _could_ I wouldn’t because I will only ever love you. And it started eating at me.” Jensen closed his eyes, willing tears not to fall. A few slipped out anyway.

“I’m gonna kill her,” Jensen growled.

“Jen,” Jared sighed, “it wouldn’t change what’s happened. It wouldn’t take all this guilt that I’m feeling away. She just…the stuff she said, the way she practically begged…it made me feel like I was tearing her heart out, and I don’t want to make _anyone_ feel like that regardless of my relationship with them. She just got my thoughts all turned around and screwed up and it…”

“It broke you down,” Jensen finished for him.

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“You know your lawyer called, told me he got the divorce papers delivered to him two days ago,” Jensen said after five long minutes of silence. Jared looked up in surprise.

“Really?” he asked hopefully.

“Really. It’s over, okay? I mean…we still have a lot to deal with, but not _that_. Not anymore. Not ever again.”

“Thank god,” Jared whispered as he buried his face in Jensen’s neck and water poured over them, disguising their mingled tears of both regret and relief.


	16. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long...
> 
> Enjoy? (I feel silly telling you to enjoy reading about emotional turmoil, but still...enjoy.)

The week passed by quickly, and soon Jensen found himself behind the wheel of his car, driving Jared to what Jared kept not-so-jokingly calling his “doom.” When Jensen picked him up later that afternoon, Jared was quiet, almost withdrawn, but he didn’t seem to be sad. Jensen didn’t want to break the precarious silence; he figured there was a lot floating around in Jared’s mind and trying to process everything was usually easier if someone wasn’t talking your head off.

When they got home, Jensen went to work making dinner while Jared headed out to the back patio. It had quickly become Jared’s favorite place in the house, and they had spent many hours over the last week out there eating, talking, reading, playing guitar, and occasionally making out.

Ten minutes later, Jensen brought out plates piled high with pasta and salad and two beers.

“Thanks,” Jared said. It was the first word he’d spoken since Jensen had picked him up, and Jensen took it as a cue.

“No problem. Hey, Jare?”

“Hmm?” Jared was already digging into the pasta.

“I’m sure with all the talking and thinking you have to do at the place now, you probably don’t want to do it when you come home too. So I’ll give you as much space as you need. But I still want you to know that I’m here. Anytime you want to talk I want to listen, okay?”

“Okay,” Jared nodded, and they spent the rest of the evening in silence.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Four weeks later, Jared wouldn’t shut up, and Jensen couldn’t thank his lucky stars enough.

“So, uh, they told me that I would be starting a family therapy group, and if there’s anyone that can come…”

Jensen was picking at his guitar as Jared was talking animatedly, jumping from topic to topic including: bees, how Thor was still the best super hero, complimenting Jensen’s playing, that they should maybe do some laundry, and then this. It took Jensen by surprise, and as he plucked a wrong note it rang out absurdly comical.

“You want me come with you?”

“Of course, Jen. You’re my family, I want to, y’know, share this with you.” Jensen grinned. “But,” Jared continued, “I’m worried about one thing.”

“What’s that…?”

“So two days a week it’s individual family therapy, which means me and whatever family members I bring and the therapist. But two other days, it’s group family therapy, which means me and you _and_ everyone else in my part of the program _and_ whatever family they bring.” Jensen remained silent, not sure what Jared was getting caught up on.

“Okay?” Jensen finally asked.

“Jen, there are a few Supernatural fans in the program, and so far they’ve been great. I’ve talked them some, but they’ve always been really respectful, not intruding or asking questions that are too personal or whatever. But…god, Jen, if _you_ start showing up to group…I’m worried they might…do…something.” Jensen set his guitar down and moved closer to where Jared was seated.

“If they’re fans, then they know we’re best friends.”

“Yeah, but being best friends with someone is _a lot_ different than bringing them to…this.”

“Babe, if anybody thinks that me showing up to your therapy means we’re more than just friends, they probably already believed that.”

“Yeah, I supposed that’s true.”

“Look, how about the first week I only come to one of the groups sessions with everyone else. If nothing too crazy happens, I’ll start going to both.”

“That could work,” Jared nodded.

“Good.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Later that night Jensen jerked awake, gasping for air. He didn’t remember what dream he’d been having and he didn’t really care. He just needed to breathe. He rolled off the bed and stumbled into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him. Jared usually slept like a log, but Jensen still didn’t want to accidentally wake him. He sank to the floor and tried to lengthen his inhales and exhales.

Jared was doing so well, and Jensen didn’t understand why he was freaking out. Because he _was_ freaking out, and he knew it was about Jared. He remembered that he’d been dreaming about Jared, although he still couldn’t recall the specifics. But the Jared in real life—that one that he was just in bed beside—was happier, lighter, and more talkative; Jared had even asked Jensen to go to therapy with him. Jared was letting him in, so why was he sitting on the bathroom floor at 3am having a…a whatever this was?

Jensen realized he must’ve been pretty loud because suddenly the doorknob was rattling and Jared was knocking softly on the door.

“Jen? You okay?” Jensen tried to answer but all that came out was a rattled breath. “Jen! Can you let me in?” Jared sounded a little frightened, and it helped Jensen get ahold of himself.

He didn’t want Jared to see him like this; the last thing Jared needed right now was to be worrying about someone else. _Besides,_ Jensen thought, _this probably isn’t anything. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll stop happening soon._

“Jen! Open the door!”

“Minute!” Jensen called out, his voice sounding high and brittle even to his own ears. The second Jared heard Jensen’s reply, he stopped his pounding. Jensen heard footsteps pad away from the door, then a few seconds later return. There was click from the doorknob and Jensen saw the lock pop out. Two seconds later Jared was kneeling beside him.

“Christ, Jen, are you okay?” Jared’s hands fluttered around Jensen, wanting to do something but not really sure what to do.

“Just…think I ate something bad,” Jensen lied.

“Well, I ate what you ate and I feel okay…”

“We didn’t eat lunch together,” Jensen said, and it was enough to appease Jared because his concern ebbed slightly.

“You need to stay in here a little longer?” Jared asked as he soaked a washcloth and wiped it across Jensen’s face. Apparently Jensen had been sweating. A lot.

“I think I’m okay now.”

“Okay. Can you come back to bed?” Jensen nodded and Jared hauled him up, steadying him before wrapping his arm around Jensen’s back and leading him towards the bed. He set Jensen down on the edge of the bed and kneeled between his legs. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Jensen reached out, his fingers trailing lightly over Jared’s skin, reminding himself that Jared was _here_ and he was _good_ and everything was going to be okay.

“I’m sure.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Ohmygod!” The excited whisper was the first thing he heard when he followed Jared into the room where they’d be having the family therapy group. Jensen’s knee-jerk reaction was to paste on a smile and try to make the fan feel welcomed at ease, but he stopped himself. Because they weren’t at some bar or restaurant or music festival; not at a convention or wandering around Austin; no, because _Jensen Ackles, Actor,_ did not belong in this room. The only part of him that belonged in this room was Jensen, _Jen_ , Jared’s partner and best friend and everything in between, here to support him and that’s it.

So he wasn’t going to smile for the fan, he wasn’t going to go over there and say hi and flirt a little and joke around and put her at ease. He was going to stay right here next to Jared, arm wrapped protectively and unabashedly around Jared’s waist. And when everyone found seats, in couches or armchairs, on ottomans or fluffs, with a few people strewn out casually on the floor, Jensen sat down right next to Jared, leaving no air in between their bodies, though he refrained from draping his arm across Jared’s shoulders or holding Jared’s hand.

The group lasted an hour and a half with a short break halfway through. Jensen was impressed by the girl whom he’d pinpointed as being one of their fans; even though her eyes kept wandering over to them during group, she didn’t bother them during the ten-minute break in the middle or even afterwards, as they were walking out to the small parking lot.

Jared hadn’t spoken much during the group, and Jensen hadn’t said anything at all. But once they got to the car, it was like that two hours’ worth of near-silence that had been building up in Jared’s head came tumbling out like an avalanche.

“So, what’d you think? I didn’t really expect you to talk, it’s cool, most people don’t their first few times there. I still don’t talk a lot in groups, which some people might find surprising but it still feels a little weird to me. I mean, most of those people aren’t strangers anymore, obviously, but the idea of someone knowing some of my deepest fears when they don’t even know my favorite color is just…well, weird. But when we go to the individual therapy appointment tomorrow, you’re probably gonna have to talk. I mean, it’ll just be me and you and my therapist, she’s really nice, you met her during my intake, so hopefully it won’t be too uncomfortable for you—“

“Jay! Breathe!”

“Right, yeah. I’m babbling.”

“You’re nervous.”

“Well, yeah. I mean…was it okay? Like, would you still be okay coming next week?” Jensen glanced over at Jared for a split second, not wanting to take his eyes off the (admittedly empty) road for too long.

“Of course I’m gonna come next week! And I will every week until you finish the program. And you’re just gonna have to deal with it,” Jensen joked, reaching over to rustle Jared’s hair, hoping to ease some of Jared’s nerves.

“Just, you know, if you don’t want to, I don’t want you to feel like you have to,” Jared said quietly.

“Jay,” Jensen sighed, “I want to, okay? I…I need to.”

“Okay.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After they’d eaten dinner and watched a movie and lounged around for a bit, Jensen hopped in the shower. On his was out of the bathroom, Jared cornered him and pushed up gently up against the wall in their bedroom. He leaned down and captured Jensen’s mouth in a kiss which quickly turned heated.

“Tell me…” Jared panted against Jensen’s neck, “why we haven’t had sex in almost a month?” Jensen’s mind stuttered, trying to think over the last four weeks and realizing, no, they hadn’t slept together for at least that long.

“I dunno,” Jensen whispered.

“Well, we should change that.” Jared fingers trailed down Jensen’s chest, reaching his waist and the edge of the towel that Jensen still had gripped gathered into a fist to keep from falling down. He tugged at Jensen’s hand, a silent urge to let it go. When Jensen didn’t move, Jared just stepped back slightly and pulled his own shirt off before moving back into Jensen. As their bare chests touch and Jared licking into Jensen’s mouth, Jensen’s breath hitched and his muscles tensed.

“Just, let me…please, Jen,” Jared said, tugging at Jensen’s fist again to get him to drop the towel. “I want you to fuck me.” The room felt warm, too warm, and Jensen’s movements felt sluggish. His fist was locked into place, not allowing himself to drop the towel, and Jared’s body pressed up against his felt like it was smothering him, suffocating him. The air felt thick, his senses seemed both dulled and sharpened at the same time, and everything felt _wrong_. Before he realized what he was doing he planted his left hand firmly against Jared’s chest and shoved hard.

“No! Don’t, don’t…” Jensen stumbled away from the wall and towards the bathroom. He tried to slam the door but Jared’s body was there blocking it.

“Jen?”

“Don’t want…I’ll hurt you,” Jensen wheezed. His back hit the wall and he slid down to the floor.

“What the—Jen, what’re you talking about? You’re not gonna hurt me!” Jared kneeled down next to Jensen and reached out but Jensen flinched away. He couldn’t really think and his body was running on automatic, though judging by the harsh sounds of his breathing and his lightheadedness, it wasn’t doing a very good job.

“I hurt you!” he choked out, but he wasn’t sure what he was talking about. Jared must have, though, because sudden understanding flooded his eyes and his face fell.

“Shit! Dammit, Jen, that’s why…”

“What’s why?” Jensen gasped.

“You don’t even… _fuck_. Okay, Jensen, you need to breathe. Can you do that for me?” Jensen glared at him, not really sure why Jared was talking to him like a he was two-year-old. Couldn’t Jared tell he was breathing? So he wasn’t very good at it at the moment, but still…kind of rude. Fingers snapped in front of his face and his head jerked up. “Stay with me, Jen,” Jared said, but it sounded like he was underwater.

“I’m right here,” Jensen said, or at least tried to say. By the lack of Jared’s reaction, Jensen wondered if maybe the words didn’t get past his mouth. He tipped his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.

“Hey! Hey hey hey, no, stay with me!” Jared’s voice probably would’ve seemed frantic if it hadn’t sounded so far away. “Jensen!” he heard Jared shout distantly, then large hands wrapped around his arms and pulled him into a warm body right before everything went black and silent.


	17. One Step Forward...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are only a few chapters left and they're taking me longer to write than I expected. So the last few updates might be two or three days apart instead of every day, just to let you know.

A disembodied head floated into Jensen’s view. It was blurry and wavered around the edges, as if it were coming to him through the screen of an old TV with a really bad connection.

“Jen? You with me?” the head asked worriedly. The voice was less distorted than Jensen was expecting it to be, and he could immediately tell that the voice belonged to Jared. Jensen tried to lift his arm but every single part of his body felt like he’d been buried in sand. Except his heart. His heart felt like it had been injected with speed or something.

“Can I kiss you?” Jared asked. Jensen barely managed to nod his head, and he did it without even thinking. It was _Jared_ ; Jared could always kiss him. Although usually when Jared kissed him his head was attached to a body, and Jensen thought it might be weird kissing a bodiless Jared. But he figured Jared with only a head was better than no Jared at all.

It was as all these thoughts were floating through his mind, and as Jared lips brushed softly against his own, that Jensen realized he was completely out of it. He mentally shook his head, trying to clear some of the tackiness and confusion before taking inventory of his body, trying to figure out what he could move. He discovered that the extreme weight over his body was actually just a blanket, and that he was lying on a big bed in a room that definitely wasn’t in either of their houses. Finally it clicked—the ranch, dinner, a shower, Jared kissing him, Jared—

“What happened?” he rasped. He felt like he had a pretty solid hold on the events leading up to his…whatever, but he wanted to hear it from Jared. Jared dropped his head, but even through his hair Jensen could see bright pink spots appear high on Jared’s cheeks.

“I, um,” he coughed uncomfortably. “I came in here after you got out of the shower and I wanted us to, uh,” he stammered, gesturing between them and to the bed, “have sex. And you freaked. I didn’t know why at first but then I understood, and…oh _god_ , Jensen, I’m so sorry!” Jared looked back up at him, eyes shining with tears.

“What?” Jensen’s voice was scratchy and Jared handed him a bottle of water which he sipped at while staring hard at Jared.

“You still don’t…crap, okay,” Jared said, looking around and running his hands through his hair. “I think you had a panic attack,” he said quietly.

“Oh.”

“Has that, uh…has that happened before?”

“No…” Jensen decided not to mention the hyperventilating at the hospital or whatever that was that had happened the other night. He’d never passed out before, so he figured this one must have been different, caused by…by what? “What happened?”

“Um, Jen, do you remember the last time we had sex?” Jared’s voice was cautious, like he was afraid that just asking that simple question could somehow throw Jensen into another panic.

“I, uh…” Jensen shuffled through his thoughts; they were still pretty jumbled, and a lot had been going on lately that had taken up permanent place in the front of his mind, so it took a few minutes before he got to the memory. When he did, his face paled and he felt slightly sick. “Yeah.” He swallowed. “I remember.”

“So tonight, when I wanted you to, well, you know, for the first time since then—“

“I guess I didn’t handle it very well,” Jensen tried to joke. Jared stared at him.

“Not very well? Jen, you panicked and passed out! Because I wanted to have sex!”

“Sorry,” Jensen mumbled.

“God, Jen, I’m not mad! I mean I am, but not at you! I’m mad at myself. That night when it happened, I know you freaked out, but you did seem to move on from it kinda quick. I really wasn’t in the best state of mind that night either, so I didn’t think much of it, but I really…man, I really fucked up.” Jared hung his head in shame.

“Jay, look at me,” Jensen said, sitting up and pushing himself back to rest against the headboard before reaching out to cup Jared’s face. “Jared. Look at me, please?” Jared looked up and Jensen brushed his thumbs over the tears tracks on his face. “I’m not mad at you, okay? I didn’t even realize that it had screwed with me that much, I must’ve— _we_ must have—just been subconsciously avoiding sex for the last month. But it was bound to come up at some point, and it has, so…let’s deal with it, okay?”

“You’re really not mad?” Jared asked doubtfully.

“You’re the one that got hurt by it,” Jensen said.

“Maybe physically, but it was my own doing. Obviously you were hurt emotionally,” Jared replied pointedly.

“Maybe,” Jensen admitted, but purposefully didn’t linger on what he knew Jared was pushing at. “You know, it didn’t scare me that you wanted to have rough sex; hell, we do that all the time and it’s pretty fucking hot.” He chuckled softly, letting a few good memories dance their way into his thoughts, a fleeting break from the heavy and uncomfortable emotions that churned and rumbled dark and threatening like a storm cloud through the room, through the the conversation, through their lives.

Jensen’s quiet laugh must have stirred something in Jared as well, because a small but sinful smile quirked at his lips and his pupils grew larger, like he was replaying those exact same memories and they were enough to blow this most recent disastrous one out of Jared’s head, replacing it with pure lust. Jensen stuttered, feeling a spark shoot down his body and settling in his groin.

“Wh—what scared me was how…how _frantic_ you were,” Jensen continued, trying to ignore the look Jared had given him, pure heat and intensity and _want._ He wasn’t ready, not yet. “When I realized you were practically hysterical and I still… _fuck_ ,” Jensen choked. That night came slamming back into him; his stomach rolled and his fists clenched around thin air; the spark that had passed between him and Jared just a moment before faded quickly to a dull and forgotten point. “I still couldn’t stop, you were so upset and I couldn’t stop because it still felt good!” Jensen whimpered; his face crumpled in revulsion and shame at the memory of Jared so tight around him, of him being vaguely aware that it was most likely hurting Jared but still succumbing to that overwhelming feeling of _tight hot so tight so good_. Jared leaned his forehead against Jensen’s chest.

“It’s not like you had any choice in the matter,” he mumbled.

“Jared…” Jensen warned, and Jared stopped.

“I’m so sorry,” he said a few minutes later, mouthing at Jensen’s collarbone.

“Me too,” Jensen whispered back.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen woke that night gasping for air. He slid out of Jared’s warm arms and stumbled out of the bedroom and down the hall to the second bathroom, hoping Jared wouldn’t be able to hear anything with the added distance between them. He didn’t pass out, just sat on the floor with his back against the wall, staring dazedly at the toilet and wondering what the fuck was wrong with him. Once he’d caught his breath, he decided that he was going to figure out a way to fix this once and for all. The first step: having sex with Jared again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He spent the next two days planning it out and working through any anxiety that came up with it. On Sunday evening, after spending the day relaxing outside, joking around, playing some guitar, and eating steaks and drinking, Jensen brought out a deck of cards.

“What’re we playin’?” Jared drawled, accent more pronounced after finishing his third beer and having spent the last four hours lying shirtless in the sun. Which Jensen had noticed—and appreciated—for so long that he’d lost track of how long he’d been at least half-hard.

“Gin,” Jensen replied as he sat down at the opposite side of the small table. “But,” he added, then paused for dramatic effect; Jared perked up, and Jensen gave him his best wolfish grin. “Each time you lose a round, you have to remove an item of clothing.”

“We’re playing strip gin?” Jared’s eyebrows shot up and Jensen could tell he was trying to hold back an excited smile.

“Yeah, and too bad you’re already at a major disadvantage,” Jensen motioned to Jared’s naked chest.

“Baby, just trying to start off on a level playing field,” Jared shot back. “I always beat you at this game.”

“We’ll see,” Jensen said, acting casual but blatantly licking his lips when he knew Jared was looking. When he glanced up from dealing the cards, Jared was staring at him with his mouth hanging slightly open. “What?” Jensen blinked his eyes innocently and Jared shook himself, picking up his cards and looking over his hand.

“Nothin’,” he replied, voice low, and Jensen had him just where he wanted him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Okay,” Jensen said, laying the cards down from his game-winning hand, “I know what I want as my grand prize.”

“Wait, we didn’t discuss prizes!” Jared scooped up all the cards and started shuffling them. “We could do best two out of three.”

“Or you could fuck me,” Jensen said, trying to hide the nervousness in his voice behind a low, sexy growl. He figured it worked when Jared’s head snapped up, eyes wide and cheeks pink. Jensen could hear him swallow.

“You sure?” he whispered. Jensen stood up slowly; the game had been a close one, and the only thing he still had on was his boxer briefs. Jared hadn’t been so lucky, and was sitting there stark naked. Jensen stalked around the table to Jared, pausing so that his crotch was almost in Jared’s face, his boxers tented obscenely.

“What do you think?” Jensen purred. Jared looked up and down Jensen’s body slowly as a tentative hand reached for Jensen’s erection. Before Jared touched it, Jensen snagged the waistband of his boxers and tugged them down quickly. Jared snatched his hand back.

“We should go inside,” he panted, “lube and…” he trailed off as a tube appeared in Jensen’s palm, as if pulled magically out of thin air.

“We don’t have to go inside,” Jensen started to say, but Jared had already shot up from his chair and was on Jensen, eating at his mouth, hands roaming greedily over Jensen’s body. Jensen reveled in the feeling, both enjoying Jared’s touch of his fingers and teeth and tongue while trying to remain calm. He could do this. _He could do this._ “But before you fuck me with that huge cock of yours,” Jensen breathed in Jared’s ear, nipping at his earlobe then at the sensitive skin on his neck right below, “I want you to fuck me with that amazing tongue of yours.”

“Oh god,” Jared whimpered, “ _fuck yes_.” He spun Jensen so that Jensen was braced against the sliding glass door. Jared dropped down, biting and licking along Jensen’s spine before reaching the swell of his ass. “Your ass is perfect, y’know that?” Jared murmured in between sucking bruises and licking them soothingly. “It’s so fucking gorgeous, so perky and tight, gonna feel so fucking good around my cock, _around my tongue.”_ His breath was warm and moist on Jensen’s skin, and the second he stopped talking Jensen felt his cheeks spread as Jared’s tongue licked a wide wet strip right over his hole.

“Shit,” he breathed, already sagging from the pleasure, legs shaking as Jared didn’t stop to tease, just started working his tongue inside. “Oh _fuck_.”

Jared was making fast work of Jensen, quickly getting his hole wet and sloppy. When he breached it with the first finger, Jensen keened, his knees almost buckling, but Jared placed a strong hand on his lower back to hold him up. Soon Jensen felt two fingers in him, but Jared’s tongue never let up, licking around the opening and occasionally pushing in to join the fingers. Jared curled his fingers inside Jensen and he bucked backwards as a jolt of electricity shot threw his body.

“Fuck, Jay, right there!” he panted, and Jared complied after quickly adding a third finger.

“So fucking hot,” Jared said; his lips were pressed against Jensen’s hole and Jensen could feel the vibrations of Jared’s voice against like Jared was _in_ him. Which, well, he was…but it was more than that. It was too much and it was not enough and Jensen wanted, _needed_ more. Needed everything.

“Jay, _fuck me_.” Jared stilled as he sucked in a breath.

“Fuck, yeah, yeah,” he said mindlessly, breathlessly, spinning Jensen back around before slicking up his own cock. He grabbed Jensen’s legs and hoisted him up; Jensen wrapped his legs around Jared’s lean waist and leaned back against the glass door as Jared lined up and slid slowly into Jensen.

“Shit,” Jensen bit his lip against a whimper and Jared paused.

“You okay?” Jensen wanted to stop for a second, wanted to check everything and make sure that yeah, he was okay…but he couldn’t. He was worried that if he stopped to think about what was happening then he would start to freak out again, and that was the last thing he wanted. Up to that point, he hadn’t even thought about what had happened before, his mind hadn’t made it past _Oh fuck yes, Jared_ ; everything had felt good—fucking amazing, actually—and he didn’t want Jared to stop.

“Keep going,” he urged, and Jared began pushing forward again, almost painfully slow, until he was finally flush against Jensen. “Move, god, please move” Jensen pleaded. Jared pulled back slowly and only a few inches before pushing back in again. “Fuck, Jay, faster!” His eyes were squeezed shut tight and he hoped that Jared would just assume it was from pleasure. The only sound that came from Jared was erratic breathing and soft mewling—a weirdly random but _sofuckinghot_ combination that Jensen just had to fucking look.

His eyes blinked open; Jared was beautiful, shrouded by the orangey-pink glow of the last of the setting sun, skin dewy with sweat and eyes sparkling with happiness, and he was staring at Jensen in awe and lust and love and relief and Jensen _finally_ relaxed. He felt Jared pull out almost completely, pausing for a split-second before slamming back in. Hard.

“Fuck!” Jared cried, eyes rolling into the back of his head while he pulled away again; this time, when he slammed back in his hips twisted slightly and Jensen felt another one of those white-hot jolts of pleasure.

“Right there, baby, right there,” Jensen sobbed in ecstasy. Jared continued, hitting Jensen in that perfect spot on every single thrust. After a few minutes, Jared opened his eyes and leaned forward to capture Jensen’s lips in an open-mouthed and absolutely filthy kiss.

“So fucking amazing, Jen,” he panted, “so tight, feel so good, fuck, ‘m not gonna last long, what you do to me…”

“Me either, baby, fuck, you’re so big, feel so full, so good, all for me, only for me…” Jensen babbled, voice dripping with filth and love and promises and wonder and need, on and on until Jared wrapped his hand around Jensen’s cock. “Fuck!” Jensen’s moan turned into an almost-scream just seconds later as his body drew taut, come shooting into Jared’s hand and onto his own chest, Jared jerking him through the orgasm and making it last longer.

Jensen could feel himself tightening and pulsating around Jared, could feel Jared’s hips stutter and lose rhythm right before he was filled up with Jared’s warm, sticky come. Jensen’s own cock pulsed a few more times at the feel of Jared flooding him, which caused him to clamp down even harder on Jared. Jared groaned long and low, body stiff with pure bliss. When Jared’s muscles unlocked, he sank down to the ground, Jensen still attached to him. They sat there for a few minutes, foreheads pressed together and breathing heavily, sharing each other’s air.

“That…was…unbelievable,” Jared said between breaths. Jensen placed a sloppy kiss on Jared’s lips, tongue darting into and licking his mouth lazily in silent agreement.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They had fallen into bed a sweaty and come-covered mess, wiping off quickly with Jensen’s shirt but probably missing most of it, not caring much either way. Jensen was blissed out, boneless and sated and so fucking happy that sex with Jared was just as good as it was before, that he hadn’t fucked it up, that they could move on from that one shitty night.

They’d passed out with Jensen half-lying on top of Jared, naked bodies fitting perfectly together, content and feeling like all was right with the world, with _their_ world; so when Jensen jerked awake a few hours later, moon still high in the velvety-black sky and Jared snoring peacefully underneath him, Jensen’s heart sank as he wriggled out and away from Jared, rolling off the bed and landing as softly as possible. He staggered out of the room as his breaths came shallow and fast, the lack of oxygen causing him to become lightheaded.

 _Nonono_! he thought angrily, once again locking himself in the bathroom farthest away from Jared and hunching over himself on the cold tile floor. He grabbed his head and pulled at his hair as the frustration and anger and confusion of what was happening just kept making his breathing more labored. He’d been dreaming about Jared again, he knew that with an innate clarity; lately, he seemed to _only_ dream about Jared. But he couldn’t figure out what was wrong; he could never remember any details of his dreams, though he was sure that it wasn’t about the sex, not anymore; last night had proved that much at least. It was something else, definitely, but he couldn’t worry about it right now. Instead, he forced himself to concentrate on his breathing and nothing else. Inhale-exhale, in for two seconds, out for two seconds, lengthening the counts as he gradually calmed down.

The sooner this would be over, the sooner he could go back to bed, wrap himself up in Jared’s arms and fall back asleep until the sunlight streamed through the windows and Jared’s mesmerizing hazel eyes were blinking up at him, let the smell of coffee tease his senses and revel in Jared laughing loud and happy; and he could bathe in those looks and feelings, basking in the light of day that burned away all his nightmares, allowing him to believe that nothing was wrong.


	18. ...Two Steps Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took so much longer than I expected. This chapter was being really stubborn and didn't want to come out. But it's here now and I have only 3 chapters left, and I don't think those will be nearly as difficult. Thanks for sticking with me!

Over the next month, the days went a little something like this: Jensen woke up early (too early, honestly, and usually in distress, though it faded quickly); after reacquainting himself with the guest bathroom _yet again_ , he’d stumble into the kitchen and pour himself some coffee. (He quickly realized that the nights he woke up in a panic were much more bearable if there was coffee ready and waiting for him afterwards.) He was usually halfway coherent by his second cup, so he’d start up with making waffles (which Jared preferred over pancakes) and bacon or omelets, or breakfast burritos when he was feeling especially adventurous (or anxious).

The meal (plus two mugs of coffee) would make its way back to the bedroom where, if the tantalizing smell didn’t wake Jared up, Jensen giving him a morning blowjob usually did the trick. The coffee and breakfast and some random variation of sex was enough to drive Jensen’s hazy, recurring nightmare from his mind, allowing him to spend the rest of the day relaxed and content as Jared thrived.

After they cleaned up the dishes and hopped in the shower (which usually including Jared fucking Jensen slow and senseless), he would drop Jared off at his outpatient program before going shopping, usually to the grocery store (because the world could be ending and Jared would still eat four times the amount of an average person; it always ended being more than Jensen anticipated, even after fourteen years together). Sometimes he’d go to the park and walk around, just for a change of scenery.

After lunch, he’d spend an hour or two reading or playing guitar or cleaning or just puttering around the house before heading back to the res facility to meet Jared for family group. When Jensen realized that this would be his daily routing for the next month, he expected to go stir-crazy pretty quickly. Instead, a sense of calm enveloped him, resting light and comfortable on his skin. He was sure that the biggest reason for him feeling so much at ease, _at peace_ , was the way Jared lit up when Jensen arrived at the center for group, or how even when he was asleep, Jared seemed to always have a smile on his lips, or the way in which he looked up at Jensen from their bed, bathed in the morning sunlight, body languid and graceful, skin warm and tan and eyes sleepy but content, or when Jared…

Yeah. It had everything to do with Jared. And if Jensen still woke up most nights in the midst of a panic attack caused by he didn't even know what, well…he was dealing with it. Usually by himself on the floor of the bathroom. But still, yes. Dealing. Because Jared was happy, so _they_ were happy; Jared was okay now, so _they_ were okay. In all honesty, Jensen did come close to telling Jared a few times: once when he accidentally woke Jared up while climbing back into bed at 3:37 on a Monday night (Tuesday morning?); once when Jared mentioned the massively dark bags under his eyes, because the night before had been particularly brutal and he had probably only gotten a total of two hours of fitful sleep; once because he panicked so hard he passed out before even waking up, and Jared had been coming back from getting a glass of water, and when he’d tried to wake Jensen he couldn’t (but the next morning, Jensen had managed to brush it off as just him being deep sleeper, even though he knew Jared knew that wasn’t true); and one time in group, when one of other people there mentioned having panic attacks over fear of his partner’s well-being, a situation that sounded eerily familiar to Jensen’s own. Jensen never ended up going through with it, though, could never bring himself to admit it all to Jared. He didn’t want to ruin all the progress Jared had made and he didn’t want to put a damper on their newly tranquil life. And frankly, most days Jensen didn’t give two thoughts about it, so it didn’t really matter, right?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But it couldn’t be ignored forever, and the day of reckoning arrived sooner than Jensen expected. Jared would be finishing the program in less than a week, and they had tentatively decided to stay at the ranch house the rest of the summer.

Megan called Jared one day, insisting that she was coming to visit because, as she put it, “Now that you’re feeling better I have to kick your ass for giving us such a goddamn scare.” So it was on a Friday afternoon in late May that Jensen found himself at the Austin airport just outside security, scanning the crowd anxiously, eager to see his second-favorite (sometimes first-favorite, depending on how much Mac had been annoying him) little sister. Jared stood next to him, occasionally bouncing up onto his toes to get a better view, though it was completely unnecessary; Jared was a good head taller than pretty much everyone around them. Always.

“Nervous?” Jensen asked.

“Nah, man. Mostly excited. Haven’t seen Meggie since…shit, Christmas? Can’t believe it’s been that long.” He muttered the last sentence mostly to himself while shaking his head in disappointment.

Jensen patted Jared on the back in sympathy. They’d been living in Texas for three months now, having moved out of Vancouver permanently a week after final shooting had finished, and yet it seemed like neither he nor Jared had seen their families any more often than when they’d been living 2000 miles and a whole country apart. Jensen made a mental note to go by San Antonio and then Richardson for a few weeks at the end of the summer. Maybe they could even make it into a road trip… His mind had just started to wander when Jensen was snapped out of his thoughts by a high-pitched squealing coming from a few yards away.

“JT!”

“Meggie!” In a few seconds, Megan was standing in front of Jared, dropping her bags as he picked her up and swung her around. After she landed, she launched herself at Jensen.

“There’s my favorite brother-in-law!” she was still squealing, but this time it was quiet enough that Jensen was pretty sure the only other person that heard her was Jared.

“Hey, Meggo,” Jensen said warmly, wrapping his arms around her, reaching one hand up to ruffle her hair fondly. “Been too long.” He pulled out of the hug and held her at arm’s length, looking her up and down like he was studying a textbook. He put a hand to his mouth and fake-sniffled. “You look so grown up,” he sobbed dramatically.

“Oh, shut up!” She swatted his arm. “I’m in my 30s, I think I’m all grown up as I’ll get.”

“So, you two hungry?” Jared interrupted with a pleading look. Jensen rolled his eyes.

“Would it matter if we said no?”

“Of course not!” Jared said brightly.

“I figured as much,” Jensen replied before turning back to Megan. “You in the mood for anything in particular?”

“Actually, there’s this little café place I didn’t get a chance to check out the last time I was here.”

“Perfect,” Jared said, clapping his hands then rubbing them together expectantly. “Jen? I’m starving, so drive fast.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Megan told Jensen the name of the restaurant-café, and Jensen said that he’d been there before and it was indeed quite tasty, so after he stowed Megan’s bags in the cab and they all piled into the truck, Jensen revved the engine slightly and pulled out of the short-term airport parking.

The drive was filled mainly by Jared’s and Megan’s voices, cutting in and talking over each other in a good-humored way, eager to share the newest stories or funniest anecdotes. Trying to one-up each other in any way possible was a Padalecki tradition. Jensen jumped in occasionally, sometimes to corroborate or add more details to one of Jared’s tales but usually to provide a more accurate, less hyperbolic description, which made Jared pout. Jensen was rooting for Megan, only because seeing Jared get more flustered yet animated by the minute was incredibly adorable. Other than his sporadic comments, Jensen was content to relax behind the wheel and just listen. He had the music turned low and it was a soothing background noise to the excited voices surrounding him. It all made him kind of warm and fuzzy inside, and he wished they could do this for hours.

Instead, they arrived at the restaurant in just twenty minutes. The afternoon was warm and sunny with a soft breeze weaving its way through the buildings and trees and people wandering about, so they decided to sit outside on the patio. The food was as good as he’d remembered; he only ordered a salad, knowing that Jared’s eyes were (amazingly somehow) bigger than his stomach, and that he wouldn’t be able to finish all four dishes he’d ordered so Jensen could just sneakily pick off Jared’s plate.

“Seriously, JT? _Four_ entrees? Is that necessary?” Megan commented in disbelief.

Jensen just snorted when Jared replied with a wink, “I’m a growing boy. I need my nourishment.”

“If you grow any more, you won’t be able to fit through doorways,” Megan shot back, one eyebrow raised and lips quirked up in a smirk.

 “That’s okay, I’ll just have Jensen carry me.”

“Yeah, if you want me to get a hernia,” Jensen pouted exaggeratedly. Jared reached over and pinched Jensen’s biceps.

“Aw, baby, you’re a big strong man. I know you can… _handle_ me just fine.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Gross, JT, not in front of your sister!” Megan exclaimed, then eyed Jensen and muttered with a wicked grin, “But he’s totally right.” Jensen couldn’t help the blush that he felt inching up his neck, turning his ears pink and his cheeks even pinker.

“Shut up,” he said to both of them, looking down at his plate. Jared cackled and Megan patted him on the arm.

“It’s okay, Jensen Ross, we’re all adults here. Plus, I’ve read plenty of fan fiction and I know—“

“Nope!” Jensen exclaimed, standing up and tossing his napkin on the table. “That’s just wrong.”

“Please, like you’ve never read it,” Jared scoffed. “I even know which stories are your favorites. Dude, you have them bookmarked on your browser!” Jensen stared at Jared.

“How dare you betray me like that!” he gasped in mock-horror.

“Oooh, which ones are your faves? JT, send me the links, yeah?” Megan said gleefully.

“Duh,” Jared said as he pulled out his phone.

“You two are evil.” Jensen was only half kidding; he knew they weren’t actually making fun of him for reading that stuff; hell, he was pretty damn sure that every single person in both of their immediate families had read at least one story (usually courtesy of Chad). But still, he was a bit embarrassed by the idea of Jared’s sister knowing exactly which stories…struck his fancy, not to mention the idea of her _reading about them having sex_ , even if it was written by a total stranger who didn’t even know them.

 “I’m going to the bathroom,” Jensen announced. “When I come back, we’re all going to pretend this conversation never happened!”

“Sure,” Megan said absently, also staring at her phone now. “Oh, what’s this one? [Assumption Is the Mother of All Fuckups](http://chinas-rose.livejournal.com/26389.html#cutid1)?” Megan glanced up at Jared who was laughing so hard he wasn’t even making any noise.

“Oh man, that one’s hilarious. It’s called a crack fic and it—“

“I’m out of here!” Jensen said loudly before hurrying inside, not wanting to hear any more out of sheer embarrassment.

A few minutes later as Jensen walked back from the bathroom, he could see Jared through the windows and he paused for a moment just to watch, chuckling as Megan gestured exaggeratedly and Jared tipped his whole body back in a laugh. No, a _guffaw_. Thankfully, it looked like they’d moved on from fan fics and back to a more appropriate topic. Just as Jensen started forwards again, he saw Jared lift a cupped hand to his lips. Jensen could just make out a few white pills in his palm before Jared tipped his hand up and they tumbled into this mouth, followed by a swig of water from his glass.

Time slowed down and Jensen’s vision tunneled until it was just him and Jared. He felt his feet moving beneath him even though he couldn’t remember telling them to, taking him straight to where Jared was sprawled in his seat, still laughing like nothing had happened.

“Jay!” Jensen almost yelled. “What—what’d you do? Jared, _what did you take?!_ ” Jensen could hear the panic in his voice as he shook Jared’s shoulders. Jared looked surprised, staring strangely at Jensen then glancing back over at Megan. Jensen saw Megan’s lips move but heard no sound come out. Apparently Jared did, though, because after a few seconds his eyes widened in understanding and he turned back to Jensen, gripping him tight around his arms to hold him still.

“Jensen!” Jensen could barely make out Jared’s voice over the loud ringing in his ears. Jared brought his hand up and cupped Jensen’s jaw. “Breathe, Jensen. You need to breathe!” Now Jared was the one who looked panicked, but Jensen didn’t understand why Jared was concerned about him. Jared was the one who just swallowed pills! And Jensen didn’t know how many he’d taken or what they were or…

He felt lightheaded and his vision began to blur and darken at the edges. This was not like all those times in the middle of the night, this was worse; this time he had no control over what was happening. He felt Jared dragging him forward and he struggled against it. Jensen was supposed to be taking care of Jared, not the other way around. He tried to process what was happening but his thoughts seemed to be slowing down, thick and sluggish as if his brain was full of putty. He realized that his breaths weren’t coming in short gasps like when this usually happened; they had just completely stopped. He felt his lungs constrict and saw Jared pull out his phone, though by this point his partner was just a blur that was slowly fading to black. He couldn’t see, apparently couldn’t hear, definitely couldn’t breathe, but he could feel Jared’s strong arms wrap around him and he relaxed into them; they were warm and comforting. Jensen was pretty sure he wasn’t dying but if he was, he decided that having Jared wrapped around him was one of the best ways to go.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If the irritating beeping cutting straight through the fog in his mind was any indication, then Jensen definitely wasn’t dead. He wanted to go back to sleep, but it seemed like the harder he tried to ignore the mechanical _beep beep beep_ , the louder and more annoying it became.

“Nngh,” Jensen groaned in frustration.

“Jen?” said a voice, small and tentative. Jensen groaned again. “Baby?” A hand brushed over Jensen’s forehead, wiping away what he just now realized was an impressive amount of sweat. It took him a few minutes before he could open his eyes, and when he finally blinked them open he was met with hazel ones—usually bright and expressive but now dulled with worry and fear—hovering right in front of his nose, staring unblinkingly back at him.

“Jay,” he breathed. He closed his eyes and Jared made a whimpering noise. “’m here,” he said quietly, reassuringly. “Wha’ happened?” He felt Jared press featherlight kisses all over his face and neck.

“You had another panic attack,” Jared said soft and low, matching the volume of his voice to Jensen’s.

“Mmm,” Jensen hummed in understanding.

“You don’t…” Jared hesitated. “You don’t sound surprised.” Jensen shrugged. “So when that last one happened—“

“Jay?” Jensen interrupted softly. “’m tired. Do this later?” Jared’s hand squeezed his wrist, tight at first like Jensen might drift away, but Jared relaxed his grip after a few seconds.

“Sure, Jen. Whatever you want.” He felt Jared kiss his temple before he drifted back off to sleep.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He woke again an hour or so later when the doctor came in. Once it was determined that it had been a panic attack, he was told that he wouldn’t be kept at the hospital for very long. But he was forced to meet with a psychiatrist first, who spoke with him for almost an hour. The hardest part about that was asking Jared to leave the room; he looked like a puppy that’d been kicked.

“I’m sorry, Jay,” Jensen said as his heart broke just a little. “I’ll tell you later, when we get home, okay? But I don’t…I think this might be easier if I can talk to her alone.” Jared hovered there for a minute like he was on the verge of insisting that Jensen let him stay, but he eventually nodded silently and left the room.

As Jensen began talking to the psychiatrist, his wall finally crumbled and everything came tumbling out. He tried to make the story as a quick and to-the-point as possible, partly because he didn’t want this conversation to last for five hours and partly because sticking to the facts and not veering off into emotional tangents kept him from freaking out. He was out of breath by the time he finished, like getting everything off his chest made him feel like he’d just run five miles. The doctor finished writing on her clipboard and looked up with a reassuring smile.

“I highly suggest you start seeing a therapist once you get out of here,” she said. Jensen frowned but nodded. “I can give you a diagnosis right now, if you’d like. If you think that would help.” Jensen nodded again, and the doctor continued. “I just want to emphasize that diagnosing any type of mental illness after just one hour isn’t usually advisable, but yours seems pretty straightforward.” Jensen nodded for a third time, silently urging the doctor to get on with it.

“It appears as though you’re suffering from a mild to moderate case of PTSD, whose symptoms—in your case—are primarily anxiety and panic attacks.” Jensen sat up straighter.

“But PTSD…that’s like, for people who were abused or were kidnapped or have been in combat, right? But that didn’t happen to me, not even close.”

“Jensen, experiencing a loved one attempt to commit suicide, _especially_ when you were physically present for it, is a very traumatic experience. Trauma affects everyone differently, and yours is no less legitimate than someone else’s, so it’s important that you understand that.”

“Okay,” Jensen said quietly, though he still wasn’t sure. “Um…so what do I do now?”

“Like I mentioned, I think seeing a therapist would help tremendously. I can give you some recommendations, if you’d like that.” Jensen nodded and took a piece of paper she handed to him. He glanced down at it and saw that it contained a list of names, locations, and phone numbers.

“Thanks,” he said, setting the paper on the table beside him. “So, uh, not to sound dismissive or anything, but when can I get out of here?” The doctor smiled and stood up.

“I’ll go find your attending physician and let them know that, at least on my end, you’re fine to leave.”

“Thanks,” Jensen said again. “If Jared’s out there, would you mind telling him that he can come back in?”

“Of course.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen was discharged less than an hour later, and as a nurse appeared with a wheelchair, saying it was hospital policy that all patients had to be wheeled out, Jared smirked in smug amusement. Jensen rolled his eyes and turned away to hide a smile; if Jared laughing at him for not being able to leave unless he was rolled out meant that Jared wasn’t freaking out (or worse, mad at Jensen), then Jensen would gladly take that tradeoff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping to get chapter 19 up tomorrow, but it should definitely be up by Monday at the latest.
> 
> Also, the fic I linked in the story is one of my faves, and I don't know the author (and I'm sure they aren't reading this story) but hopefully it's okay that I mentioned it.


	19. Trading Places

“So,” Jared said the moment they got back to the house. Jensen’s ass hadn’t even hit the couch before Jared spoke, and he realized that they were about to have A Talk. He sighed, suddenly understanding Jared’s reluctance to do the same a few months before. It didn’t sound like it would be fun.

“Jay…” Jensen started, but he wasn’t sure where to go with that, what to say next. It’s not that he didn’t want to talk to Jared; god knew that Jared of all people _deserved_ to understand. So it wasn’t that; the problem was that Jensen didn’t know what to say. Was he supposed to explain it? Apologize? Tell Jared he would be okay?

Explain: maybe, but if Jensen couldn’t even explain it to himself, still didn’t have a grasp on the situation even after talking to the doctor, how the hell was he supposed to explain it to someone else, even if that someone else knew Jensen better than he knew himself?

Apologize: well, Jensen didn’t think he should have to apologize for having panic attacks; obviously he wasn’t doing it on purpose. Though he figured maybe Jared was at least owed an “I’m sorry” for Jensen hiding them from him.

Being okay: of course he wanted to tell Jared he’d be okay. He was pretty sure he’d be okay, yeah, but he didn’t feel too great right now and he was finding the idea of reassuring someone of his…prospective okayness when he wasn’t even okay now to be quite difficult. It was a lie, after all. And Jensen had no interest in lying to Jared, not anymore. Luckily, Jared was the one to start.

“So I imagine this is kind of hard to talk about?” Jensen nodded. “Is it because you don’t want to tell me?” Jared asked, and Jensen saw a flicker of hurt pass through his eyes.

“No, Jay. That’s not…no,” Jensen assured him, and Jared’s body sagged slightly in relief.

“Okay, well how about instead of telling me exactly what’s going on, you start with telling me why you’re having trouble talking about it?” Jensen closed his eyes and thought for a minute before deciding that yes, he could probably do that. Again, it was certainly the least he owed Jared. Jensen sighed and scrubbed at his face.

“God, Jared, I just feel so…” Jensen wasn’t even sure what word he was looking for, and began to get frustrated that he couldn’t even explain _why_ he couldn’t explain it.

“Weak?” Jared asked. Jensen looked at him in horror. Okay, so maybe Jensen felt that a little bit, but if he admitted it he _knew_ Jared would immediately believe Jensen felt that way about him, and Jensen had never thought that about Jared, not one single moment since the day they met.

“No! No, of course not, I would never think that!” He would never think that about other people, but apparently he wouldn’t let himself off as easily. It kind of sucked, to be honest. So Jensen tried to untangle at least one string of his emotions. Even if he couldn’t give Jared the whole truth right now, he could give some of it. “I’m just…out of my comfort zone, if that makes any sense?”

And hell if that wasn’t true; because sure, he’d dealt with Jared’s depression for a long time now, but that had been a secondhand experience, and it was nowhere near the same as experiencing it for himself. Not even remotely close to being the same. Jared studied Jensen closely, like he was trying to read Jensen’s mind or something. He nodded thoughtfully.

“I get it, Jen,” he said quietly and with more understanding in his voice than Jensen could have ever hoped for. Which suddenly caused his own thoughts to become much more solid, clear and distinct and easier for Jensen to unravel, and he was able to just let it all spill out, as much as he could, trusting that even if some of what he said didn’t make sense, Jared would still get it.

“When you were in the hospital,” Jensen said after taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, “I was really panicky. Not like what just happened, but…yeah. I was terrified, Jay. God, I was so fucking scared that you wouldn’t—“ he had to pause for a minute to catch his breath, and he felt hot tears sting his cheeks. “Jared, without you…I don’t know what I’d do. I was scared for you but I was also scared for myself, of what _I_ would do if you died.” Jared flinched at the last word but for Jensen, it was like finally saying it out loud took away some of its power.

“Even after you woke up, I mean, it got better but you remember that day in the hospital when our parents were visiting and your dad was mad at you and I ended up getting mad at him for being mad at you and then I started…” Jensen trailed off.

“Yeah, Jen, I remember. I figured you were just really worked up, and that can happen to anybody. I never thought it was more than that.”

“It’s okay, neither did I. At first. But then that first day we got to the house, and…oh god. I’m sorry,” Jensen said as he dropped his head into his hands, not wanting to relive that disastrous sex.

“No! God no, Jen. I’m sorry! I’m the one that should be sorry. I was just…well, yeah. I didn’t even think about how it would affect you. That was so stupid of me, and I’m so sorry.”

“Jare, it’s okay. It’s…I’ve moved past it, _we’ve_ moved past it. But that did freak me out, although I didn’t realize how much until later. It was actually like a month into your program, y’know, when you asked me come with you to the family group? I think that was the first night I woke up in the midst of a panic attack. I didn’t really understand why, and then you mentioned that we hadn’t had sex for a month, so I thought maybe that was the reason. And after we finally did, it was great, and I was like, awesome, so maybe this is over now. But then I still kept having panic attacks.

“It seemed as though the better you got, the more you worked through your issues, the more often I had them, and I still don’t know why! Wouldn’t they start to go away when you started getting better?! I mean, I don’t…”

Jared had been standing this whole time, which Jensen only noticed because he felt the couch dip down beside him right before Jared pulled him into his arms.

“Jen, the thing about mental illness,” he said quietly, “is that it doesn’t usually make sense.” Jensen buried his face in Jared’s shirt, using it to soak up some of his tears. “I’m sorry, baby,” Jared whispered, gently rocked them back and forth. “I’m so sorry.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jensen had suggested that he go see the therapist Jared had been seeing at the residential center, but Jared pointed out that she only worked at the facility so she only saw patients that were enrolled there. So Jensen, with Jared’s help, began looking over the list that the psychiatrist had given to him in the hospital. He called a few different therapists and was able to talk to them on the phone for a few minutes, just to see how well they clicked. It was the third one he called who made him immediately feel at ease, from the tenor of her voice to her ability to bring lightness to a serious conversation. Jensen appreciated that and immediately made an appointment with her for the following week.

Jensen turned to Jared after he got off the phone.

“Jay?”

“Yeah babe?”

“Would you, uh, maybe come with me to my appointment? I know it’s not usually what people do,” Jensen rushed on, “but it would mean a lot to me and I think it would maybe make things easier, and I know that it would also be easier for me for you to hear everything the first time, instead of me having to come home and talk about it all again, because I’m not sure I’ll be able to do that, but I definitely want you know what’s going on, I don’t want to keep you in the dark, plus I just…I need you.” Jensen was out of breath by the time he finished his spiel. Jared chuckled.

“Yeah, Jen, I would love to come with you.” He smiled warmly and Jensen let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding.

“Thanks. Thank you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So that’s how it went: Jared finished up his therapy and Jensen started his own right after. The flip in positions was new to them both, but Jensen found a certain kind of comfort in it all, knowing for certain that Jared would always take good care of him. Not that he didn’t believe that before, but now he _knew_.

Jensen could tell that the therapist was surprised when he showed up with Jared in tow for their first appointment. He hadn’t bothered to call and tell her because he figured that it wouldn’t be a big deal. She didn’t comment on it, and over the course of their hour-long session Jensen watched her surprise morph to sly understanding. Jensen took that as a sign that inviting Jared was a good choice, especially when the therapist had said, “So I’ll see you both back in two days?” Jensen nodded and Jared beamed.

They went twice a week for the first five weeks, and as Jensen steadily improved they decided to drop down to just one appointment per week. Jensen still had panic attacks, usually at night (though they were getting fewer and farther between), but now when it happened, instead of stumbling to the bathroom he reached for Jared. Jared would wake up immediately and get Jensen to sit up, try to get Jensen to match Jared’s slow and steady breathing, and just hold Jensen on the occasional night when it was really bad.

Things were finally on the upswing for both of them, and they took more and more trips into the city, visiting their kids or going to museums or attending concerts. Jensen enjoyed getting out of the house more, and he was pretty sure it aided in both his and Jared’s “recovery” (he still had trouble saying that with a straight face, even though the word was fitting). But he loved coming back to the ranch house after a long day, because it felt like _theirs_ and only theirs. One day, when Jensen finally got up the nerve, he asked Jared how he’d feel about staying there a little longer.

“So, I was thinking…I mean, this house isn’t really too far from the city so it’s not like it’s a pain to get there, and I dunno why but I’ve really enjoyed staying here and I don’t think I want to leave yet. So how would you feel if we rented it for another six months?” Jared just looked at Jensen with a smile.

“I think that sounds like a fantastic idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's looking like there are only two chapters left. I'll be posting them at the same time, possibly today or tomorrow! Thanks for reading.


	20. Road Trippin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't lie, this story just keeps growing. I think sometimes it doesn't want me to ever finish it. (That won't happen, I swear I will.) But anyways, sorry for the delay. Hope you like it :)

A week into July, they got a call from Bob Singer.

“Jensen!” he practically boomed, so loud that Jensen had to hold the phone away from his ear.

“Hey, Bob, how’s it going?”

“Not bad, not bad. Is Jared with you?”

“Yeah, let me put you on speaker.”

“Hi, Bob,” Jared said after a few seconds.

“Jared! How are you doing?” Bob asked. Jared looked at Jensen.

The truth was, they hadn’t told very many people about all the events that had transpired since the wrap party. Of course, people like Bob and Eric knew that something had happened and Jensen and Jared had needed to step out of the public eye for a few months. Luckily, they didn’t have any conventions scheduled for March, but they’d ended up having to cancel their appearances at the eight cons that had taken place from April to June. The only people who knew most of the specifics of what was going on were their immediately family members and a few close friends, including Rob and Jason.

After a short pause, Jared spoke. “I’m doing okay,” he said honestly.

“Good, that’s good,” Bob replied, and Jensen could tell that their director genuinely cared about them. He’d already known that, of course, but hearing it in Bob’s voice in that exact moment felt…pretty damn good. “So. I hate to be all work and no play, but I was calling to ask…well, ComicCon is coming up in a few weeks. Supernatural is scheduled to appear, of course, and I was hoping you two would still be able to come.”

Jensen looked at Jared and shrugged. Yes, they were _both_ doing much better. Maybe Jensen still had occasional panic attacks and Jared certainly had his moments as well, but Jensen felt more settled and in control of his life than he had in a really long time. And it was like Jared could read his thoughts, because he jumped into answer Bob.

“Yeah,” he said, “I think we can definitely do that.”

“Good!” Bob said excitedly, and Jensen swore that Bob was internally squealing at that thought of getting the two stars of the show back for ComicCon. “That’s great. And the biggest con of the year, it’s the perfect place for you guys to jump back in and see all your fans again. They’ll be ecstatic! In fact…” Bob muttered, and Jensen wondered if maybe he had forgotten he was on the phone and not just talking to himself in his office, “I think we should keep your appearance as a surprise. We’ll tell Rob and Rich, of course, and Mark and Misha. Hopefully Misha can keep it a secret…well, maybe we’ll wait to tell him until you see each other.

“Anyways,” he continued, his voice rising to address them again, “you two can fly down on Thursday, but we’ll have to figure out a way to keep you under the radar…” he trailed off.

“Actually, I have a better idea,” Jensen interrupted. He glanced at Jared, giving him a look that said “We haven’t discussed this so feel free to say no”.

“Which is?” Bob urged.

“What if Jared and I drove up there?” Jared’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, but he quickly smiled and nodded, so Jensen continued. “Yeah, we could do an old-fashioned road trip including all the traditional road trip stops, like the biggest ball of twine or whatever. And that way we won’t have to deal with being spotted on the plane or at the airport or anything. We can just drive straight to the hotel.”

Bob was silent for a minute and Jensen held his breath, though he wasn’t sure why. They didn’t need Bob’s permission to drive there, and it would be much easier to avoid being seen, thus maintaining the “surprise” part of their surprise appearance.

“I love it,” Bob finally said. “I’ll book you a room Thursday night through Sunday night, but I can extend the reservation if you want to stay in the city a little longer.”

“Make it for two weeks,” Jared said, and this time it was Jensen whose eyebrows rose in surprise.

“Yeah, two weeks,” Jensen affirmed with a smile.

“I can do that,” Bob said immediately. “Get me your travel plans as soon as possible, just so I can make sure nothing gets, you know, screwed up.”

“Yeah, we’ll work on that today,” Jared said.

“Perfect, that’s fucking perfect!” Bob sounded slightly out of breath, and Jensen wondered if he was jumping up and down in glee. Jensen couldn’t help but snicker in amusement as the image of their 60-something year old director/producer jumping around like a five-year-old who’d just been told he was going to Disneyland. Jared looked and Jensen in question and Jensen winked and smirked, a silent signal of “I’ll tell you later.”

Bob gave them the name and address of the hotel he’d booked for everyone that was coming who was a part of Supernatural. Since it was more than likely that this would be the last time Supernatural would appear in San Diego, there were _a lot_ more people coming than usual; it was pretty much everyone who’d ever worked for or appeared on the show for more than one episode.

As they sat down in front of Jared’s laptop to begin planning their vacation, Jensen started to get excited. It felt like the old days, in the early seasons of the show when Sam and Dean would go all over the country, driving down lesser-known highways with the windows down and thirty-year-old music blasting, staying at shoddy motels and living out of each other’s pockets. Jensen couldn’t wait.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A week later, they packed up the truck and hit the road. They’d worked out a route that would take them through mostly small towns with some very intriguing and unique sights. There was the obligatory largest ball of twine, of course, as well as the tallest beer can pyramid and the country’s biggest gummy bear, which Jared was especially excited for. (“Jay, I don’t think you’ll actually be able to _eat_ from that thing.” “No, but I bet they have gummy bears in the gift shop!” “Okay...because we can’t buy those at literally every grocery store and gas station in the country?”) There was also this farm where at some point someone had planted trees instead of crops, and the current owner had built dozens of treehouses; one was even supposed to be haunted. They had a handful of other stops planned and they made sure that they’d have extra time in case they found something along the way that they hadn’t discovered in their online search.

On the first night of the trip, Jensen found himself driving later and longer than expected. The town that they’d planned on staying in ended up being almost completely deserted, and the one motel located there looked like it had been closed for at least a year. And of course, there didn’t seem to be any other town or city or even just a place that would have a bed for a few hundred miles around.

When Jensen felt his eyelids fluttering shut every other minute, he decided to call it quits for the night and pulled over onto a little dirt path just off the highway. He couldn’t keep driving with how tired he was and he didn’t want to ask (a very sound asleep) Jared to do it either.

“Jay,” he said, gently shaking Jared awake. Jared jerked awake but Jensen wasn’t sure if it was from his shaking or a particularly loud snore Jared had let out just a moment before.

“Wha’s that?” he said, groggy and confused.

“I gotta get some sleep.”

“Oh, okay. Okay,” Jared replied, trying to shake himself awake. “I can drive.”

“No, you can’t,” Jensen said. “Besides, I have a better idea.” Jared quirked his eyebrow in question. “C’mon, help me grab our blankets and pillows.” Jensen was grateful that Jared had suggested bringing some of their own sleeping stuff, pointing out that if they were going to be staying in crappy motels, the pillows and linens might be crappy as well.

“What’re we doin’?” Jared drawled sleepily as he grabbed two blankets in one hand and three pillows in another. Jensen didn’t reply, just walked to the back of the truck and lowered the liftgate so he could climb up and in. He laid his blankets down, spreading them out over the truck bed before tossing his pillows against the back wall of the cab.

“Come on up,” he said, taking everything that Jared was holding so that he could clamber up onto the truck next to Jensen. He surveyed the makeshift bed and smiled.

“Perfect.” Jared slipped out of his sandals and jeans, and then after a few seconds of thought pulled his shirt off as well. Jensen followed suit. It was July in the southern US, and they were about to sleep outside, which meant no AC. Jensen wasn’t crazy; he didn’t need any extra layers on him (unless that layer was Jared’s body).

They laid side by side, staring at the stars that shone clear and bright, unobstructed by light that would have come from any nearby towns. They talked about nothing and everything, slow and lazy and sleepy. Jared dozed off first, and Jensen kissed him on the temple before snuggling against his almost-naked body and passing out as well.

Jensen woke up in the middle of the night. His first thought was, _Are you fucking kidding me? Another panic attack?_ He laid there for a minute, still and tense, before noticing that he was breathing deeply instead of gasping for air, that his heart rate was slow and steady, and that he didn’t have even a fuzzy memory of a nightmare. He relaxed when he finally acknowledged that he definitely was not having a panic attack; something else must have woken him up. And then he felt Jared’s lips, warm and wet against his abs.

“Jay,” he groaned. Jared shushed him and went back to licking and kissing Jensen’s skin, moving down slowly before moving back up after he reached his navel. Jensen groaned again, this time in frustration.

“What d’you want, baby?” Jared whispered in his ear. Jensen didn’t believe that sentence could ever sound so filthy. His body thrummed with arousal in reaction to Jared’s voice.

“Anything,” he breathed, “as long as it’s you.”

“Mmm,” Jared hummed, teeth against Jensen’s neck. He bit the skin just hard enough to make sure there’d be a bright purple mark there tomorrow.

They didn’t talk after that; Jared just worked his way back down Jensen’s body, hands pushing Jensen’s boxer briefs down and off as his mouth hovered over Jensen’s cock for a few seconds before swallowing him down. Jensen came in just a few minutes, and immediately flipped Jared over onto his back. Jensen left his own marks on Jared’s skin, one on his neck to match Jensen’s and one right over his heart.

As he blew Jared that night, lying on the bed of a truck parked just yards from the highway, hot and humid and sweaty and sleepy, Jensen felt like the luckiest guy in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really pretty sure that there are only two chapters left; if that ends up being the case, I'll post them at the same time. Hopefully within the next two days. Thanks for reading!


	21. All the Amenities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I guess there are going to be 23 chapters now. This one got away from me again (but I'm pretty sure I say that every time). Sorry for the wait. I don't have to work the next few days so maybe it will actually be completely finished this weekend...!

Jensen was pacing nervously at the foot of the extra- large California king hotel bed. Jared was sprawled lazily across it, his eyes following Jensen. His expression was one of almost boredom but Jensen knew Jared was just putting up a front to hide his concern; whether the concern was over the convention or Jensen's behavior, he wasn't too sure. Maybe a bit of both?

“How are you so calm?” Jensen snapped, not bothering to look at Jared. He could feel Jared raise his eyebrows in minor irritation. “Sorry,” he apologized after a minute, then sagged onto the edge of the bed. Jared was behind him immediately, pulling Jensen back against his shirtless chest.

(“It's fucking hot!” Jared had explained when he'd discarded the shirt earlier. “Babe, we're staying at a four-star hotel with four-star AC,” Jensen had pointed out. “Fine. Maybe I just know you're gonna get nervous and start to freak out and I'm using my body to try and distract you!” Jensen hadn't replied, as he'd been too distracted staring at Jared's half-naked body.)

“I’m actually pretty nervous too,” Jared admitted, “but I think maybe it's mostly from anticipation and excitement. It’s been months since we’ve had _any_ interactions with our fans. So why are you acting like you're about to walk the plank or something?”

“Huh?” Jensen scrunched his nose as the pirate reference. Jared rolled his eyes.

“Jen, things are good. Hell, things are fucking great! What are you afraid of?” Jensen closed his eyes as Jared ran his hand down Jensen's chest, his fingers sneaking under the hem at his waist. “Talk to me, baby, please.”

“Fuck, Jay, it’s our first con since...well, since _everything._ And they don't know why we were M.I.A. the last four months…”

“They know my history, Jen. I'm sure plenty of them have guessed why.”

“But this is different, Jare. It’s so much… _more_ than the other times. And what if…” Jensen hesitated, embarrassed to voice his biggest concern. Jared waited patiently, rubbing small circles on Jensen's belly and kissing him softly behind his ear.

“What if what, Jen?” he whispered. Jensen swallowed thickly, eyes still closed; he was strung tight, like a rubber band just moments away from snapping. It was stupid that he still sometimes felt like he couldn't talk to _Jared_ of all people about this. He was getting better, especially with Jared accompanying him to therapy. But these feelings and emotions and experiences still felt new and strange and uncomfortable most days. But now was not a time to let it get to him, so he pushed forward, going down the list of his fears about telling Jared and finding reasons that they were not exactly rational.

First: Jared would laugh at Jensen. Jensen dismissed that one immediately, knowing that Jared would never do that, even if that specific thought liked to worm its way into his subconscious pretty damn often. Second: Jared would overreact in concern and tell Jensen that maybe he shouldn’t do the con at all. Again, Jensen waved that one away. Yes, Jensen was extremely nervous, but he was really looking forward to the con and Jared knew that, knew that and would never try to convince Jensen not to go unless something seriously urgent was happening. Third: he was embarrassed. He was embarrassed to reveal to Jared his biggest and completely logical fear, and he was even more terrified that it would actually come to pass. Jensen couldn’t reason that one away, so he steeled himself and stood up so he could face Jared. He hesitated for a few moments, wringing his hands and biting his lip, before finally opening his eyes and just letting it all out.

“What if I have a, um, panic attack. On stage.” Okay, so that was easier to say than he thought it would be. Jared smiled softly and reached out to pull Jensen close again.

“Babe, you’ve been doing so well. The last few weeks, you’ve only had three, right?” Jensen nodded. “And they all happened in the middle of the night, probably because of a nightmare.” Jensen nodded again, some the tension humming through his body finally leaving. “So the chances of it happening are pretty slim. Plus, I’ll be there right beside you the entire time.”

“I know, Jared. But, I mean, I haven’t been in front of such a big and loud crowd in so long. What if that sets me off?”

“Just remember to breathe, and I’ll try to do most of the talking if you need me to. Besides, whenever you have those panic attacks it’s not like you go from perfectly fine to passing out within two seconds, you know? There’ll be warning signs, it’ll give us plenty of time to get backstage. No one has to know why, okay? Maybe we can just give a heads up to Rob and Rich so that if it does happen, they’ll be prepared to make up an excuse and stall for a few minutes.”

“Okay,” Jensen breathed out. “Okay.”

“You _will_ be okay, Jen. I think once we get up there, you’ll fall right back into old habits. We’ve been doing these things for over a decade. Your body and your brain are used to it. All you have to do is try not to overthink it.”

“Great, because that’s so easy,” Jensen said. His mind was running a mile a minute, and once it got started he had a difficult time getting it to quiet down until it ran out of metaphorical breath. Jared smiled like he knew exactly what Jensen was feeling.

“Y’know,” he said, and the glint in his eyes changed from fondness and caring to pure lust, “if you need a distraction…” Jensen quirked his eyebrow.

“I mean, I’d love to, Jay, but I still have to shower,” he replied with a fake pout. Jared’s grin was practically sinful.

“Well, it’s a good think we’re in a four-start hotel, isn’t it?” Jared stood up just inches away from Jensen. He leaned forward and brushed his lips over Jensen’s, lighter than a whisper. Jensen’s eyes fluttered closed for a few moments, this time not from nerves or anxiety but from the arousal coursing through and heating his body.

“Yeah?” Jensen breathed out against Jared’s lips.

“Yeah.” Jared said, stepping around Jensen but making sure that his whole body rubbed up against Jensen’s side on the way. He took Jensen’s hand and led him toward the bathroom. Jensen stumbled along, eyes focused only on Jared.

Jared’s own electric hazel-green eyes (god, Jensen could drown in them, and be happy about it) were currently moving back and forth, quick glances in front of him so he didn’t run them into a wall then back to Jensen, sometimes locking with Jensen’s eyes, other times running them shamelessly up and down Jensen’s body.

Jared’s long hair was tousled in perfect disarray. Jensen always preferred it wild and unruly because that meant Jared had just woken up and was sleep-ruffled and adorable; or that they’d just had sex and Jensen could see what it did to Jared, the physical proof of their act of love (well, at least the proof that was appropriate for other people to see, and god, Jensen was starting to get real sappy); or that Jared was roughhousing with the kids or the dogs or Jensen or all of them, laughing loud and carefree; or that they’d been driving with the windows down and the music blasting, singing along at the top of their lungs and not caring who could see them or hear them, because the only thing that mattered in those moments were _the two of them_ , them and no one else. To Jensen, Jared’s messy hair was indicative of some of Jensen’s favorite moments with his partner. His love.

Yeah, Jensen was getting Disney-level sappy.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t realize they’d made it to the bathroom until he heard water raining down inside the large shower, surrounded on three walls and the floor by gorgeous stone-like tile and the fourth wall being a large glass door. Jared’s hands were working at the button and zipper on Jensen’s jeans. When his brain finally came back online, Jensen looked down and saw that Jared was already naked and hard and totally fucking glorious, and Jensen’s brain immediately began misfiring again. Jared made quick work of Jensen’s pants and boxers; his shirt was already gone, though he wasn’t sure when that had happened. Jared stuck his hand under the water to check the temperature; satisfied with it, he stepped fully into the stall and under the downpour. And it truly looked like real rain; the showerhead was one of those new ones that had become really popular. It was big—huge, actually—and mounted on the ceiling, hanging straight down instead of angling off the wall.

Jensen watched Jared from the dryness of right outside the shower. He didn’t do it on purpose, he just couldn’t seem to get his muscles to move. Jared standing under the spray looked like a Greek god washing in a waterfall; his skin was smooth and tan from the hot Texas summer sun; his legs were long and lithe but still muscular; his now-wet hair hung down slightly longer than usual, partly because he hadn’t cut it in a few months and partly because the water weighed it down; his chest and arms were still the most built part of Jared, even if he had lost some bulk over the last few years. There was brown hair lightly covering his pecks, drawing together in the middle then moving into a line which followed the center path of this ribs down to his navel where his happy trail picked up, meeting with the hair that surrounded his groin.

And his cock, _Oh god, his cock_ , Jensen thought. How many times had he seen it? Not just like how it was now, standing up long and hard against his stomach, ready and waiting for Jensen, but when it was in all its forms, no one more beautiful than another (though this one that was facing Jensen now, leaking precome from the slit that was quickly washed away by the water, was definitely Jensen’s favorite to play with). Or in the early morning hours when Jared was still asleep, Jensen’s body tangled around him, and Jensen could feel it half-hard laying against Jared’s thigh and pressed into Jensen’s own, subtly insistent and promising of things to come.

Jensen shook himself out of his thoughts; waxing poetic about Jared’s junk was all well and good, but why compose abstract poems about it in his head when he could be touching it, tasting it in reality right now?

Jared hadn’t pulled Jensen into the shower yet and Jensen didn’t know why, especially because he’d been staring at Jared almost creepily for the last three minutes. He looked closer and saw Jared’s eyes roaming hungrily all over Jensen’s own body. Jared was biting his lip and his hands were traveling mindlessly across his chest and down his abs, reaching for the thing that had had Jensen so distracted.

Jensen stepped quickly into the shower, stopping Jared’s hand before it reached its destination. It snapped Jared out of his own musings and he whined, not high-pitched and pouty like a toddler who’d just been told no, but low and guttural in the back of his throat. The sound ripped through Jensen, filling his own cock even more, making it impossibly harder. Jensen knew that this would not be slow and lazy, the kind of sex you called “making love” instead of “fucking”.

Jensen was trembling with desire, was already so close to the edge and could tell Jared was right there with him. He stepped forward so that their bodies were pressed together and tilted his head up slightly. Jared moved to meet him in a kiss, open-mouthed and dirty, not bothering with pretenses. Jensen’s hands were scratching up and down Jared’s back. Jared reached behind and caught Jensen’s hands, guiding them down toward his ass. Jensen obliged, grabbing it and squeezing tightly. Jared moaned into Jensen’s mouth and pushed Jensen’s fingers so that they were teasing at his crack.

Jensen stilled as panic spiked through him. It only took a few seconds for him to figure it out where the emotion was coming from: after that night on the back porch, when he’d finally been able to have sex with Jared again without panicking, he realized that he had insisted on bottoming each time. It was subconscious but apparently he was still nervous about topping, about hurting Jared. He thought he’d gotten over this _weeks_ ago, so the realization nearly bowled him over.

He wanted to sort this out, wanted to talk to Jared about it because he knew he would actually be able to, but the problem was that he and Jared were both extremely horny, close to the edge, wanted to fuck and not just rub each other off, _and_ they had to be at the convention center in a just a few hours. There just flat out was not enough time to deal with this issue right now. So he did what he knew would distract Jared, would have him begging for anything: he talked dirty.

“I want you to fuck me, Jay,” Jensen whispered hotly in his ear. He felt a shiver go through Jared’s body at his words, but that wasn’t enough. “I want you to push me up against the wall and fuck me hard. I wanna wrap my legs around you so you can slam into me so hard that I’ll be able to feel it for hours, for _days_. I want to sit down in front of that audience and still be able to feel you inside of me.” Jared was trembling now, and Jensen knew he had him.

“Yeah, fuck yeah, Jen,” Jared whimpered, then did exactly what Jensen had said. He pushed Jensen against the shower wall, and Jensen felt the slightly rough stone tiles scratch his back. Jensen groaned and immediately Jared’s lips were on his, swallowing the sound. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jared groping blindly, probably for something to use as lube. He snagged one of the small bottles that the hotel supplied, either shampoo or conditioner or soap, Jensen didn’t know and didn’t care. He was gripping Jared’s hips tight, pulling their bodies together at tight as possible. He yearned to mark Jared up where everyone could see it, so everyone would wonder where Jared got the hickeys since, at least to the public’s knowledge, he was completely single.

He moved from Jared's mouth over to his neck, working his way down to his shoulder. Halfway there, Jensen couldn't stop himself and sucked Jared's skin into his mouth, nipping it and rolling it between his teeth until he was sure it would leave a small but unmistakable purple bruise. Jared had thrown his head back while Jensen was mapping out his neck, but the moment Jensen leaned his head back to admire his work, Jared let loose a growl and attacked Jensen's neck, quickly and efficiently leaving a bruise in the same place as his own.

The idea of he and Jared sitting up there on stage, surrounded by cast and crew and all their fans while wearing matching hickeys made Jensen's stomach curl with lust, pushing him even closer to the edge.

“Jay,” he panted. “God, I'm so close.” At Jensen's words, Jared reached down, squeezing tight around the base of Jensen's cock to stave off his orgasm. At the same time, his other hand reached between Jensen's spread legs. He dragged his fingers up until they reached Jensen's hole. Jared didn't bother teasing Jensen, he just slipped one finger in immediately. Jensen let his forehead fall to Jared's shoulder as he moaned loudly.

“Fuck,” Jared whispered. “So hot, always so fucking hot, Jen.” He slid a second finger in next to the first and began scissoring them, working Jensen open as quickly as possible.

“ _Jay_.” Jensen didn’t need to say anything more; Jared pulled out and unscrewed the cap to the little bottle, pouring it out and slicking his cock up. He grabbed Jensen’s thigh and pulled it up. Jensen hooked it around his waist and Jared lined up to Jensen’s opening and pushed in slowly.

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” Jensen groaned when Jared was flush against him. He lifted his other leg and wrapped it around Jared’s waist so that the only things holding him up were Jared and the wall. “Jared,” Jensen said around a whimper.

“Yeah, baby?” Jared replied as he pulled out slowly then pushed back in even slower.

“ _Move_.” Jared paused for a second, his eyes locked with Jensen’s. Jensen could see the need and desire in Jared’s blown pupils and completely debauched appearance. Jensen probably looked exactly the same. He didn’t have any more time to consider it because Jared drove back into him, the force pushing Jensen up farther on the wall. He pulled out quickly and slammed back in again, even harder than the first time, setting a brutal pace that Jensen knew was going to make him come apart in about fifteen seconds, especially because Jared was hitting that sweet spot inside him one every single thrust.

“Shit, oh god. Babe, I’m about to—“ Jared’s long low keening cut Jensen off. He felt Jared’s release flooding inside him, and Jensen clenched around Jared’s cock as his own orgasm ripped through his body. It was Jared’s turn to whimper as Jensen milked him completely. He began swaying on his feet, and Jensen was worried he might pass out so he dropped his legs back down to the floor and held Jared close to steady him.

“How…how does it,” Jared panted, “just get better every…single time?” Jensen grinned and kissed his partner. It was a question he knew he didn’t need to answer.

They stood silently under the water, their arms wrapped around each other and foreheads resting together.

“I love you,” Jensen whispered. “Forever and ever.”

“You sap,” Jared teased him with a smile, but dropped it after a few seconds. “I love you too, Jen. Always have, always will.”

It took almost ten minutes before they finally got to the soap and cleaning part of their shower. Jared’s suggestion for a (mind-blowing) distraction worked; Jensen didn’t give one thought to all the things that could go wrong over the next few days; he just stayed focused on Jared. He knew Jared would be by his side the entire time and right now, that’s really all Jensen needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I somehow ended up basically writing a free form poem about Jared's cock and that was just a little too weird, even for me, so I cut it down to just one paragraph.


	22. San Diego

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD these last two chapters ended up be so long (11k words combined) and I really hope it was worth it. Now excuse me while I go die from exhaustion...um, you know, AFTER I finish proofreading chapter 23.
> 
> Oh god.
> 
> Side note: I edited the last two chapters pretty quickly, so if you find any grammar or spellings errors, just pretend they aren't there. For me? Pretty please.

Somehow, they did the impossible and made it to the convention center and to the backstage of Hall H without anyone seeing them (except for the other people who would be with them on the panel, obviously). They stood there anxiously as they watched Rob and Rich go up first, making a few jokes and then starting with the introductions. They held hands as Rob called out Robert Singer and Rich called out Eric Kripke. They were next.

Jared moved to face Jensen and slid his arms around his waist, looking at him intently as a small smile played at his mouth before leaning down just a little and planting a kiss on Jensen’s lips.

“And now, we have a very special surprise for you…” They could hear Rob say on the other side of the curtain. “The two men who redefined character chemistry, literal bromance, and that there’s no such thing as too much plaid…Mr. Jared Padalecki and Mr. Jensen Ackles!”

The crowd absolutely _erupted_. Jared gave Jensen another quick peck then grabbed his hand again and led them up the stairs. They let go of each other right before stepping through the curtain. The sight that met Jensen’s eyes was unbelievable. He was positive that this was the biggest audience that had ever showed up for them and the show _ever_. They made their way down the table, smiling and waving the whole time. When they got to their seats they didn’t sit down right away. The audience was still on their feet, clapping and whistling and yelling and making what Jensen’s Texas side would describe as a hullabaloo. Jared wrapped his arm around Jensen’s shoulders and Jensen wrapped his arm around Jared’s back. They continued waving, Jared blowing kisses to the crowd and Jensen jokingly grabbing at them in the air and slapping them on his own cheeks.

When the audience laughed at their antics, Jensen knew he was going to be okay and that this panel was going to be the best one they’d ever done.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And Jensen had guessed right; the panel went amazingly. The questions that Rob and Rich had prepared were a perfect mix of humor, thoughtfulness, and character and storyline analysis, as well as being completely family-free. Although Jensen felt a little sad when the panel was over, his elation quickly wiped away any lingering sorrow.

As they all stood and waved goodbye to the audience, Jared once again wrapped his arm around Jensen. Jensen looked up at Jared who was already gazing down at him, and a wave of contentment and hopefulness and just plain pure love engulfed Jensen, washing through him and leaving his heart full, his body sparking where it was pressed against Jared, and his hands shaking in anticipation; of what, he wasn’t sure. But that uncertainty only lasted a mere split-second, because before he knew what he was doing, before he could think it through and talk himself out of it, before he let his fear usurp his heart, he was on his toes so that he was at perfect height to kiss Jared. Their lips stayed closed, but it was still one of the most soft and intimate kisses they’d ever shared.

Jensen didn’t notice that the audience behind them had gone deadly silent, but he did hear it when someone screamed out “Oh my fucking god!” The noise snapped him back to his senses and he jerked away from Jared in surprise. Jensen could feel the panic in his eyes and coursing through his body as his breaths shortened. His eyes widened in fear until Jared smiled at him and brought a hand to his cheek.

“It’s okay, Jen,” he whispered before leaning down and pressing their mouths together again. As they kissed in front of fans and strangers and the general public for the first (well, _technically_ second) time in their lives, the noise behind them was deafening, at least ten times louder than when they were introduced an hour earlier. Jensen pulled back first, leaving just a few inches between them.

“So, um…I guess we’re out now,” he said nonchalantly; Jared grinned.

“Good,” he said, then kissed him again. They broke apart before things became too heated and inappropriate for public viewing pleasure (though Jensen was sure plenty of their fans would disagree where that line should be drawn, if at all). Jensen breathed deeply before turning to the audience. He bent down so that he could speak into the mic.

“Thanks for the amazing panel, you guys. Jared and I will be at Nerd HQ in just a few hours. We love you so much!” He didn’t comment on what had just happened, just smiled and waved again and held Jared’s hand as they walked side-by-side off the stage and behind the curtain.

“Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod!” Jensen repeated over and over, fanning himself uselessly with one hand.

“Jen, baby,” Jared said, obviously worried, “you okay? Are you…” He cradled Jensen’s face between his hands and Jensen launched himself at Jared, wrapping him in the tightest hug possible.

“Jay, oh my god. We just came out! _We just came out_.” Jensen didn’t cry too often, at least he didn’t use to; these last few months had certainly changed that, and now he could feel tears trailing slowly down his cheeks, immediately soaked up by the soft fabric of Jared’s shirt. Jared must have felt the damp spot because he pulled back enough to see Jensen’s face.

“Jensen, what’s wrong?” There was a cute little crease between his eyebrows where they were pulling together in concern, and his lips were downturned into an uncertain frown. Well, Jensen couldn’t have that. He wanted to see Jared’s dimples, Jared’s eyes glowing with excitement, the way Jared would jump up and down like a puppy whenever something amazing happened. He wanted to see Jared as happy as Jensen felt. Because something amazing did just happen, and Jensen’s tears were born purely out of relief and joy and freedom like he’d never felt before, freedom that he’d worried he would never get to experience.

“Nothing, Jared. Everything is perfect. I just…” Jensen paused as a small sob escaped him. He couldn’t put into words how wonderful he felt, so asked Jared to.

“Jay, have you ever experienced that really horrible moment when someone hurts you so badly that it physically feels like your heart is breaking? Like you can feel a very real ache in your chest? And you think that it hurts so much, _too much_ , that it will never go away?” Jared nodded slowly as his eyes narrowed; he was probably worried that that was how Jensen was feeling now. “Jay…what do you think the _opposite_ of that feels like?” Jared was biting his lip, still not sure where Jensen was going with this, but when he replied his voice was steady, if a bit low.

“I think it feels like…like your heart isn’t breaking but it’s blooming, there’s not a painful ache but a euphoric swelling. Like no matter what might be happening around you, your happiness is eclipsing everything else. Like a part of you that you never knew was missing is finally there, filling up invisible holes and sealing together old cracks. It feels like you want to go outside to the top of the tallest building and scream in happiness because you want everyone to know the good news…not because it would make _you_ even happier but because it was make _them_ happier. It feels like…like how I feel now.”

Jared’s voice when he spoke that last sentence was threaded through with something like an apology. Which meant that he felt guilty about being happy with what had just happened because he still believed that Jensen regretted it. Jensen’s hands wrapped gently around Jared’s cheeks and jaw. Jared’s eyes were now shining with wetness too, and a single tear slipped out. He guided Jared’s face down and kissed the tear away, then moved to do the same to a tear that was now running down the other cheek. He kissed Jared’s forehead and the tip of his nose; his chin and both corners of his lips. Then Jensen smiled softly at Jared before kissing him right on the lips, this time open-mouth and a little sloppy but with a fervor and passion that he hoped would convey his own happiness.

Eventually Jared slowed the kiss before pulling out of it completely. He rested his forehead against Jensen’s.

“Jen?” he questioned, obviously confused by Jensen’s seemingly-conflicting reactions since they’d gotten backstage.

“What you said,” Jensen whispered, “about what the opposite of heartbreak feels like? I asked you because I didn’t know how to say it myself. Because whatever descriptions came to mind always seemed like not enough, like they were so insufficient to explain how happy I was, how happy I am. But you said it perfectly, Jay. What you said…that’s exactly how I feel.”

Jensen let Jared process his words for a moment, then continued with a simple, “I love you, so much. When I kissed you that first time, it was kind of an accident. I was just really excited with how the panel had gone and you were right there pressed up against my side and all I could think was, I’m supposed to kiss you now. So I did, and I’d completely forgotten where we were and how many people would see.

“And Jay? It was the best goddamn accident I’ve ever made, and if I could redo it…” Jared had been smiling but it drooped a little, thinking that Jensen would say something about regretting it. “Baby, if I could redo it right now, the only thing I’d change is that I would kiss you longer and harder.” Jared’s dimples reappeared in full force, but Jensen only got a quick glimpse of them before Jared was attacking his mouth.

“I love you too, Jen,” he panted, breath hot against the bright pink and spit-slick skin of Jensen’s (undoubtedly) kiss-swollen lips. “I’ve waited for this for so long. I was kinda scared it could never happen, like something would always come up and we’d have change our plans and our future and it would just get pushed back farther and farther until one day we were old and forgotten and we missed our chance to tell the world the truth.”

“I know exactly how you feel, Jay. But I—we—would have never let that happen. Since we got together, this secret has been like an itch under my skin that I could never scratch away.”

“And now?” Jared asked.

“And now you’re the only thing under my skin, and you make me feel invincible.” Jared beamed in happiness.

“You know,” he joked, “you should totally publish a poetry book.” Jensen threw his head back and laughed. “What?” Jared asked.

“It’s just…it’s funny that you said that, because earlier at the hotel, when you were in the shower and I was still standing outside it just staring at you like a creep—“

“Hey man, I was doing the same thing to you, so no judgement here.”

“Wow, even our creep factors are the same. I guess we are a match made in…well, I would say heaven but I think our time on Supernatural has kind of ruined the image of that for me.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” Jared agreed, nodding emphatically. Jensen chuckled then continued his story.

“So while you were standing there under the water, getting all wet and gorgeous, my thoughts kind of…well, I was checking you out and I started composing poems in my head about some of your body parts.” Jensen blushed and looked away.

“Oh goddamn, that’s adorable,” Jared said, turning Jensen’s face back to him. “I wanna hear them! Will you tell me them?!” he asked eagerly, and Jensen could tell Jared was being completely genuine, not making fun of him at all.

“Well it’s not like I got a chance to wrote them down,” Jensen pointed out and Jared pouted.

“At least tell me which, uh, parts of my body you were writing poetry about?” Jensen pursed his lips in thought, like he was actually considering whether or not to tell Jared even though he knew he could never deny the guy anything.

“Fine, but don’t laugh.”

“Promise,” Jared said somberly while dramatically crossing his heart.

“Okay, all right. So, um, I think first it was your hair. But…yeah, that was when we were walking across the room, before we’d gotten to the bathroom or even undressed.”

“My hair?” Jared quirked his eyebrow and Jensen blushed again.

“Well, yeah. I mean…it was all cute and messy and I thought about how my favorite thing is when your hair is wild and all over the place.”

“How come?”

“Because…because of what it signifies,” Jensen explained. “That you just got out of bed, and you’re so adorable when you’re all lazy and sleepy. Or that we just had sex, and even after we’re all dressed and doing something more PG-rated I can still look at you and your hair sticking up everywhere from me running my hands through it and grabbing it and, well, you know.” It was Jared’s turn to blush. “There are other things too, like how it gets all messy after playing around with our kids or driving with the windows down, just stuff like that,” Jensen finished casually. Jared was grinning from ear to ear.

“Those are all happy things,” Jared said. Jensen nodded. “That’s…wow, Jen.” He coughed in embarrassment, looking down and toeing absently at the carpet. It was one of the cutest things Jensen had ever seen. “So, uh, what else?” Jared asked.

“What?”

“What else about me made you start thinking in iambic pentameter?”

“I mean, it was more freeform poetry—“

“Jen! You know what I mean.”

“Fine,” Jensen huffed. “I was thinking about how, once you were in the shower and under the water, you looked like a, um…aGreekgodbathinginawaterfall.

“A what?”

“A Greek god bathing in a waterfall,” Jensen said slowly, flushing deeply. Fuck it, he thought, and just laid it all out there. “And how we should totally go on vacation where they have waterfalls and maybe you could forget to pack your swimsuit? Or at the very least, we should _definitely_ get one of those rain showerheads for our bathroom at home.”

“Okay, first: that’s awesome. Second: I approve everything you just suggested _except_ …when we go on vacation, you better forget to pack _your_ swimsuit as well.” He was grinning devilishly and Jensen could feel his body start to heat and his dick twitched in arousal. “So was there any other body part you were thinking about?”

“Oh, god,” Jensen groaned as his hands flew up to cover his face.

“I take is that’s a yes,” Jared said. Jensen didn’t reply. “C’mon, Jensen, just spill it already!”

“I was thinking about your dick.” Jensen’s voice was muffled behind his hands but Jared heard him clearly.

“Well, yeah. I mean, we were about to have sex—“

“Jared!” Jensen hissed, looking around to see if anyone had overheard them. At the far end of the room a few of their friends were deep in conversation, but other than that the place was empty.

“I’m just saying, thinking about my cock when we’re naked and about to fuck really isn’t that unusual.” Jensen gulped.

“Okay, but I was kind of…waxing poetic about it in my head,” he admitted, and Jared snickered.

“How so?”

“Shut up, Jay,” Jensen said, swatting Jared’s arm. “I’m not telling you.”

“Pleeeeease?” Jared begged. Jensen sighed.

“I don’t even remember exactly what I’d been thinking, okay?” Jared stuck his lower lip out and turned the full force of his puppy dog eyes on Jensen, who rolled his owns eyes but relented. “If I remember, I promise that I will immediately write it down and then show you. Deal?” Jared’s fake pout was gone at once.

“Deal!” he said brightly. “Shake on it?”

“Nope,” Jensen said before pulling him in for a kiss. “All deals are sealed with a kiss, remember?”

“Mmm,” Jared agreed, “definitely better.” He worked his way across Jensen’s cheek and down his neck, stopping at the hickey from earlier and biting at it again, making it bigger and more noticeable.

“So, uh,” Jensen panted, “how much time do we have before we have to meet Zach?”

“Not enough,” Jared replied.

“Damn,” Jensen muttered. He pushed Jared’s head back and began attacking his neck, sucking Jared’s own bruise into a bigger and more magnificent one. “Fair’s fair,” he said with a shrug when he was done. The glint in Jared’s eye made Jensen have to look away before his dick became too interested.

“Is it horrible that I hope somebody notices them?” Jared whispered sinfully into Jensen’s ear. Jensen groaned and his forehead dropped to Jared’s shoulder.

“You’re gonna fucking kill me, you know that?” Jared snickered. “Oh, so you’d be happy if the cause of my premature death was blue balls courtesy of my…” Jensen trailed off.

“Your…boyfriend?” Jared suggested tentatively, and in that moment Jensen decided he would buy Jared a ring before they left San Diego.

“Boyfriend,” he confirmed. _For now._

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jared and Jensen went alone to Nerd HQ, and to say it was complete chaos was an understatement. News seemed to travel faster than light, because photos of them kissing on stage at the panel just hours earlier were already all over, well, everything. Not just Twitter and Tumblr and fan sites, but also entertainment news and gossip sites.

They’d decided beforehand that they wouldn’t answer any questions about their relationship; instead, they would put together an official statement within the next few days and release to everyone. But that didn’t stop the audience from yelling out question after question. Zach tried his best to moderate but to no avail.

“How long have you been together?”

“Is it serious?”

“Do your ex-wives know?”

“Have you said ‘I love you’ to each other yet?”

“Do you guys live together?”

“Are you gay or bi or…?”

“Who tops?”

The questions had started to get a bit too personal, and with that last one Zach jumped in, cutting the audience off completely.

“Wow, okay. Way too personal, you guys. If you can’t respect their wishes to wait until they release a statement, then no more questions from the audience. So…does anyone have questions pertaining to the show or the characters or more general ones that still _do not have to do with their personal lives_?” The audience whispered to each other, punctuated by occasional laughs or groans; someone to the left said _Oh, man!_ while someone in the back yelled _No way!_ There were also a few _Oh my gods_ and _Holy shits_ (Jensen figured there were probably plenty of people on their phones, relaying everything they could to a friend or fellow fan that couldn’t be there), but no hands were raised.

“Well,” Zach said, turning towards Jensen and Jared. “I guess I can start, and if anybody thinks of an _appropriate_ —“ he turned to the audience, emphasizing the word, being over-the-top enough that the audience knew the guys weren’t pissed, but still serious enough that the audience got the message, “—question, then we’ll try again.

“So,” he said, facing back to them, “how did you feel about the finale, especially that ending? It wasn’t exactly a cliffhanger but I think a lot of people felt like it was missing closure.”

“Uh, yeah,” Jared said, clearing his throat before continuing, “that’s exactly how Jensen and I felt when we read through the last script.”

“Yeah, the ending definitely left a lot of things open, and—“ Jensen stopped when he saw a hand in the audience shoot up. “Hey, someone finally wants to ask a question! Is it about the show? Or are you going to ask if Jared and I share shampoo or something?” He smirked as the audience _Oooooohed_. Maybe he didn’t want to answer most of the questions that had been asked about their relationship, especially the ones that were X-rated, but he couldn’t help egging the audience on just a little. Their reactions were so funny, and the fact that everyone seemed so damn excited about the revelation made Jensen feel safe and secure; the fear of being shunned by their fans if their secret got out had been a part of his life for over a decade, and seeing the situation finally play out and how accepting and encouraging everyone had been so far (even if it had only been a few hours) was a huge relief to Jensen, and it just made him love their fans even more.

One of the assistants who had been hovering at the edge of the crowd with a mic ready must have worked her way through the throng of people because a voice, tentative and excited at the same time, rang out clearly from the speakers.

“Um, no, it’s about the show, actually,” she said. “Specifically about the finale episode.”

“Awesome, let’s hear it!” Jared said.

“So, uh, um…sorry, I’m a little nervous and I think all my brain cells exploded today.” Jared threw his head back and laughed while Jensen tipped his head in understanding.

“That’s okay, mine did too,” he joked. “Tell us your name and then your question, darlin’.” The sound of the girl taking a deep breath and letting it out was picked up by the mic, and a few seconds later she spoke. Her voice sounded stronger and much steadier.

“Okay, hi, my name is Anna—”

“Hi Anna! This is Jensen,” Jared said, gesturing to his side.

“And this is Jared,” Jensen said, grabbing Jared’s shoulder and squeezing.

“Hi,” she said with a laugh.

“Hi,” Jared repeated with a chuckle.

“Hi,” Jensen added.

“Hi,” she said again, laughing even harder. “Yeah, okay so…I also felt like the ending was very, uh, open-ended, I guess? Yeah. And I was wondering, do you think the writers did that on purpose so that there would be an opening in case you ended up making a movie?” The audience whistled and yelled and clapped at that, and once they’d quieted a little, Anna continued. “Because I know in the past you both have talked about how fun it would be to make a movie or two. Or three. Or more. I mean, I wouldn’t complain, y’know? Especially if you could convince whoever was in charge to make it R-rated…”

“That is a great question,” Jared said while nodding his head.

“Yeah,” Jensen added, “I mean, supposedly the writers didn’t do it on purpose, but I certainly wouldn’t put it past them. They like to be sneaky.”

“Yep, I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see,” Jared agreed, then added with a wink, “Oh, and Jensen and I do use the same shampoo.” Everyone laughed and the mood lightened a little. More people started raising their hands to ask questions, thankfully sticking to ones involving acting and the show.

So even though the panel started out in mayhem, it ended in laughter and some really impressive questions. As they stood up to say goodbye to everyone, Jensen reached out his hand to grab Jared’s. At the edge of the stage, right before they went down the stairs and out of the room, Jared pulled Jensen towards him for a small peck on the lips.

“Gotta give ‘em something,” he whispered to Jensen with a wicked grin. Jensen snickered and pulled Jared back into another, slightly more intense kiss. They broke apart and walked towards the exit, not sparing a single glance back to the audience.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The ride back to the hotel was thick with tension from arousal and the immediate need to get their hands on each other. They managed to refrain from any groping, though, as Jensen really didn’t think the cab driver needed to see that up close and personal.

When they pulled up to the front of the hotel, Jensen quickly paid the driver before opening the door and clambering out, Jared right behind him. They were met with a wall of people who were holding cameras and video recorders and notepads and pens and everything else an entertainment journalist might need.

“Oh, fuck,” Jensen whispered. He could feel panic rising up in him so he grabbed Jared’s bicep and squeezed hard. Jared got the memo because he started forward, leading Jensen through the throng of people quickly and efficiently, his stature and the stony look on his face just intimidating enough to get people to move out of their way quickly.

They made it through the doors and Jared stopped them at the front desk.

“Hi,” he said briskly, “Please don’t let anyone come up. Don’t even let anyone ring us from the front desk. Anyone who needs to talk to us already has our cell numbers.”

“Of course, Mr. Padalecki,” the receptionist said, typing a notification into the computer.

“Thank you,” Jared replied, then turned towards the elevators.

Luckily, the elevator remained empty the whole ride up to their room. Jared taking charge had allowed Jensen to calm himself a little, and by the time Jared was swiping the keycard to unlock their door, his panic had receded completely, leaving only the hunger and desire for Jared that had been his only focus just ten minutes earlier.

They got inside and the door clicked shut; Jensen was expecting Jared to spin around and slam him against the wall or something, but he did the opposite: he pulled Jensen towards him gently; wrapped his arms around him; and kissed his lips, soft and deep. Jensen got with the program after a few seconds and wrapped his own arms around Jared’s waist and kissed back.

Before it got too heated, Jensen slowed the kiss and pulled back a little, placing three pecks on Jared’s lips before completely stepping out of the embrace. His hands slid up Jared’s sides, reaching his shoulders then moving back down his arms before stopping at his hands. Jensen held them tightly, hoping to convey to Jared that what he was about to say wasn’t a bad thing.

“Jay, before we, um…I need to talk to you about something.” Jared’s eyes flickered with worry, and Jensen brought one of Jared’s hands up to his lips and kissed the knuckles, which helped to soothe Jared a little.

“Okay?”

“Let’s, uh, let’s sit down,” Jensen said, leading him into the bedroom and sitting down on the side of the bed, angling his body so that he was almost fully facing Jared. Jared sat and turned his body towards Jensen but his head hung down while his hands fidgeted anxiously in his lap. It didn’t seem like Jared was going to say anything, so Jensen jumped right into it. He was getting pretty good at this whole sharing emotions thing.

“So I don’t know if you noticed, but for the last few months every time we’ve had sex, I kind of, well…I’ve insisted on, you know, being the bottom.” Jensen’s cheeks flushed slightly when Jared looked up at him, eyebrows raised.

“Uh _yeah,_ Jen. I noticed.”

“Oh. Why didn’t you say anything?” Jared sighed.

“I did, kind of. Quite a few times, actually. Hell, just earlier today I tried to get you to fuck me but you started talking all dirty and you know what that does to me. I didn’t want to bring it up directly because…I dunno. I wasn’t really sure what was going on and thought maybe you just needed a little time to work through it or whatever. Or maybe you’d just taken a fancy to bottoming and now preferred it.” Jensen scoffed at that.

“No, Jared. I mean, it’s good, it’s _great_. But I want to have you both ways. Anyways, I didn’t even realize I’d been doing it until today in the shower, and it all kind of hit me. And, uh…” Jensen hesitated, dreading to bring it up yet again, but he had to. “I don’t think you’re gonna like this, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been doing it subconsciously because I was…I was scared of hurting you if I topped.”

“Why would you hurt—“ Jared stopped mid-sentence as the realization hit him as well. “Fuck,” he sighed. “Dammit, Jen, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe how much I fucked everything up by doing that.”

“Jare, don’t. Just, please stop blaming yourself, okay? You didn’t…I was so worried about how it would affect you that I never really thought about how it would affect me, especially months later.”

“Still my fault, I’m the one that did it, I’m the one that forced—“ Jensen clapped his hand over Jared’s mouth, refusing to let him say what he was about to say.

“Don’t,” he warned. “I don’t blame you, and I don’t want you to blame yourself. If you keep doing that, we’re never gonna get past this.” Jared nodded; his eyes were shiny with tears. Jensen removed his hand and Jared took a few deep breaths.

“So how do I fix this?” he asked. Jensen studied him then lifted a hand to Jared’s cheek, his thumb rubbing soft circles over the skin.

“You don’t, Jay. _We_ do. Together.” He didn’t wait for Jared to reply, just leaned in and kissed him soundly. “I want to. I want to right now, okay?”

“Yeah, baby. Of course,” Jared replied.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They continued to make out for a few more minutes before they began removing each other’s clothes slowly and with care. Once they were both naked they stretched out on the bed, laying on their sides and facing each other, just inches away from touching.

“I love you,” Jared whispered. Jensen leaned forward and kissed him.

“I love you, too,” he said against Jared’s lips before resuming the kiss, this time letting it get hot and passionate. He felt Jared’s hands on him, on his chest and arms and back and thighs.

Jensen kept one of his own hands buried in Jared’s locks; the other followed Jared’s example and roamed his body, every part of it seared into his memory. He knew the small area at the nape of Jared’s neck where he was deliciously ticklish; the tiny mole on his back that Jensen always avoided when his nails were scratching down that expanse of skin; the swell of Jared’s ass, which Jensen hadn’t really touched the way he’d wanted to for months.

He rolled Jared onto his back, working his mouth over as much of Jared’s skin as he could. Jared tugged gently on Jensen’s hair, bringing him back up so they were face-to-face again.

“Here,” he murmured, handing Jensen a small bottle of lube. Jensen bit his bottom lip but took the bottle from Jared, uncapping it and pouring it onto his left hand. He kissed Jared’s neck as his hand reached down, skimming over Jared’s cock and balls before reaching the small puckered hole.

“You sure?” Jensen asked. Jared threaded his fingers through Jensen’s hair.

“I’m sure. Are you?” Jensen nodded silently. He could be anxious and certain at the same time, right? “Okay,” Jared said, and Jensen moved.

He swirled one finger around the tight opening before pushing in slowly. Jared arched slightly off the bed and Jensen paused. He and Jared had done this for so long that he knew Jared’s cues better than his own. But he’d been doubting and second-guessing himself for awhile now, and he needed to stop, to check and make sure Jared was okay.

“Keep going, Jen,” Jared mumbled hazily. “Feels so good.” That was enough for Jensen; he began working his finger all the way in then pulling it out slowly, over and over, just enjoying the familiar-yet-new feeling.

He eventually added a second finger, and after a good long while he pushed a third one in. Jared was writhing beneath him and Jensen was harder than granite. He wasn’t doing this to tease Jared or drive him crazy; he just wanted to be thorough, wanted to make sure that Jared would feel only pleasure and absolutely no pain.

Jared didn’t say anything but Jensen could tell when he was ready, that if he kept going like this it would be over before Jensen could even slip inside. So he pulled his fingers free and Jared sighed at the loss. Jensen poured more lube on his hand, using it to slick his cock, using more than necessary but not wanting to take any chances, not this first time since the…incident.

He lined up his cock with Jared’s hole and slid in an inch or two then stilled, allowing Jared to accommodate to the size, as it was quite a bit larger than even three of Jensen’s fingers. After a minute Jensen slid in farther, once again pausing to let Jared adjust. It went like that for awhile, taking more than five minutes before Jensen’s hips were flush against Jared’s ass. He dropped down so that he was blanketing Jared and kissed him over and over before Jared began squirming underneath him again. Jensen lifted himself up a few inches, his weight resting on his forearms that were planted on the mattress on either side of Jared’s body, and he began moving, pulling out and pushing back in slowly.

Jensen had no desire for this to be over anytime soon, so he kept his thrusts slow and steady and his body close enough to Jared’s that he could reach down for a kiss every few moments. Because this…this was not some quick and rough fuck. No, this was deep and sweet and slow. Instead of low, guttural moans it was quiet murmurs and whispers that only they could hear; instead of biting teeth leaving stinging marks on necks and collarbones and the insides of thighs it was lips and tongues ghosting softly over skin; instead of filth spilling from their mouths it was words of praise, of _worship_. This was not fucking; this…this was making love.

Jensen wasn’t sure how long they were like that, bodies pressed so close together that he wasn’t so much thrusting into Jared as he was just rocking with him. He didn’t want the moment to end, and it didn’t…not for a long time. Maybe hours? He lost all sense of time. But the short movements were enough to eventually send Jared over the edge. Jensen was right there with him, his own orgasm rushing through him the moment Jared’s inner muscles fluttered and squeezed around Jensen.

He didn’t pull out immediately; instead, he rolled them so they were on their sides facing each other, just like how it had started out. They kissed lazily for so long that Jensen’s lips started to go numb, and then they kept kissing. He finally realized that he had gone completely soft while inside Jared and he cringed, worried that pulling out would be painful for his partner—no, his _boyfriend_. But the excessive amount of lube Jensen had used, as well as his own come that had filled Jared so fully it was now trickling out of his hole and onto his inner thighs, helped Jensen ease his way out with minimal friction and discomfort.

“You okay?” he asked Jared, just to make sure. Jared nodded absently, his mind obviously still fuzzy from his orgasm and the following makeout session and just…everything. Jensen understood; he felt the same way. And it was perfect.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As they laid in bed afterwards, bodies tangled together like a physical representation of their lives, Jensen stroked Jared’s hair and Jared placed small kissed wherever he could reach on Jensen’s skin. Jensen’s heart felt more brilliant than the sun, and he was overwhelmed with the burning need to do this, ask _that_ question now; he’d been planning on waiting, he still needed to get some stuff and prepare a speech and whatnot, but suddenly all of that didn’t seem to matter.

“Jay?” he whispered, like talking at a normal level might break the feeling, the atmosphere surrounding them.

“Yeah, Jen?”

“I wanted to ask you something. I was gonna wait ‘til I had a few other things prepared but…I can’t wait. I want you to hear this now.” Jared shifted, bending his elbow and propping his head up on his hand. His other one reached towards Jensen’s face, his fingers gliding over every inch of Jensen’s skin.

“I’d like to hear it, then,” Jared finally said. Jensen took a deep breath, readying himself. He decided against trying to pull a speech out of thin air; besides, anything he could think up to say Jared would already know. So he uttered those four simple but life-changing words and waited.

“Will you marry me?”

Jared didn’t make Jensen wait long. He smiled softly, his eyes crinkling at the corners—less so than Jensen’s did, but enough to show how much he’d grown, how much _they’d_ grown in the last fourteen years.

“Yes, Jen. It was always and will always be yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did shamelessly use my own name for the girl in the audience during the Nerd HQ scene. Sue me.


	23. Endings and Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everybody who read this and left kudos and comments and who stayed with the story, trusting that I would actually finish it. I wouldn't have been able to get through it without you all. <3

Unfortunately, they couldn’t stay in bed all weekend. Partly because they still had appearances to make at the convention: meet and greets, photo ops, autographs, the usual. But mostly it was because they had run out of lube by Saturday morning.

Jensen kicked himself for not bringing more; he’d known they would be in San Diego for at least two weeks, he’d known that the city would be full of prying eyes and overeager fans, and that finding a store where he could buy lube without being noticed—especially now that he and Jared were out—was going to be a bitch.

He managed to find a grocery store that had self-checkout stations which meant he wouldn’t have to worry about a cashier seeing what he was buying; no, he just had to worry about everyone else in the store. They made the trip on Saturday evening, hoping there wouldn’t be too many people there (because who wanted to grocery shop on a Saturday night when they could be doing literally anything else?). Plus, hand jobs and blows jobs were great but they were _nothing_ compared to sex with Jared Padalecki.

Jared asked if Jensen wanted company; Jensen hesitated, not because he didn’t want Jared to come but because it would be way more conspicuous. He relented though, his need to be with Jared as much as possible greatly surpassing his concern over being spotted (which, honestly, was most definitely going to happen anyway). Jensen also figured that they could split up for part of the shopping, seeing as they would have to be buying more than just lube because yeah, _that_ wouldn’t be obvious or anything.

They took Jensen’s truck, Jared behind the wheel and Jensen next to him, scanning through radio stations until he landed on one that sounded promising. The store wasn’t too far from the hotel they were staying at, which was good; however, it was even closer to the center of the town, which meant the possibility of being seen increased tenfold. They parked towards the back of the lot even though it wasn’t even half-full. Unsurprisingly, in the the ninety seconds it took them to walk from the truck to the store entrance at least half a dozen people stopped dead in their tracks to stare at them open-mouthed, and Jensen counted at least five different camera flashes go off. So…so much for being incognito.

As they stepped inside they each grabbed a basket. Jensen pulled two shopping lists out of his pocket, handing one to Jared.

“You sure you want to be the want to get…it?” Jared whispered as they made their way towards the back of the store.

“Yeah. I mean, you’re so tall that anyone could spot you from across the store.” Jared wrinkled his nose and pouted.

“Well you ain’t exactly short, darlin’,” he drawled, his Texas accent so ridiculously exaggerated that Jensen couldn’t help but giggle.

“Y’know,” Jensen said thoughtfully, “I think that’s the first time you’ve ever explicitly stated that I’m not short, even in comparison to you.”

“Damn, I’ve been foiled! All my scheming and hard work just…gone!”

“Whatever, Sasquatch. Just make sure you mention it at a con next time, so everyone else can hear you finally admit it.” Jensen’s smile waned as Jared stared at him with sad eyes—no, not sad…that was definitely nostalgia and wistfulness shining through. _Because we might never have a con again_ , Jensen thought. “Hey,” he said, linking his fingers with Jared’s, their hands mostly hidden in between their bodies, “it’s not the end, okay? Anything could happen.”

“Yeah. Maybe,” Jared replied before clearing his throat and changing the subject. “So, we need cream…cream?” Jared quirked his eyebrow at Jensen.

“Duh. White Russian?”

“Why don’t we just go to a bar?” Jared replied. Jensen stared at him.

“Tonight? Right in the middle of ComicCon weekend? After what happened yesterday? Where there will be hordes of people? And you want to get drunk together and see what happens?” he said incredulously. Jared’s cheeks and the tops of his ears were tinged with pink.

“Uh…actually, yeah? Kinda.”

“Oh my god, you…you want people to know!” Jensen’s mouth dropped open.

“What do you mean? They already know!” They’d both been keeping their voices low, but Jensen’s laugh rang loudly down the aisle. Jared slapped his hand over Jensen’s mouth and looked around; the aisle was empty, but that didn’t mean no one had heard.

“Wait, so you wouldn’t mind going to a bar and getting drunk with me but you get embarrassed if I laugh to loud in the grocery store?” Jared’s blush deepened. “Oh my god, Jay, you’re so fucking adorable.” Jared jerked his head up.

“So…we can go tonight?” he asked hopefully. Jensen rolled his eyes in fondness.

“Babe, you know I can never say no to you.” He leaned in for a kiss but pulled back quickly when he heard a shopping cart turning the corner. _Sorry_ , he mouthed to Jared, who nodded back in understanding.

“So, no cream?” Jared asked. Jensen shrugged.

“Might as well, if we’re gonna be here for two weeks. I’m sure we won’t want to go out every single time we want a drink.”

“All right, you little slosh,” Jared teased. Jensen crossed his arms indignantly.

“So you wouldn’t mind drinking your morning coffee black?” Jared’s eyes widened in alarm and he turned, opening one of the doors to the refrigerated sections and grabbing three cartons of cream.

“Cream, check,” he said. “Now what?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They walked around together, collecting a few more items before splitting up. Jared turned towards the coffee aisle while Jensen headed to his doom. He loitered two aisles over from the “family planning” section, trying to look casual while making sure the coast was clear. When he confirmed that nobody was near him, he crept over to where the lube was located, scanning the rows for the brand he and Jared preferred. It took him less than a minute to find it, grab a few bottles (because he didn’t want to have to do this again before they went back to Austin), and hightail it out of there, still trying to act nonchalant but probably failing miserably.

He quickly hid the lube under some of the less-offending items in his basket and met Jared in front of the self-checkout lanes a few seconds later.

“You get the stuff?” Jared muttered, his eyes darting side to side, making sure no one could hear him. Jensen had barely heard what he said, so he was positive no one else had.

“Yeah, boss,” Jensen said, effecting a slimy New York accent, “got the goods right here. You need me to put down the rat? Can’t leave any witnesses, amiright?” Jared glared at him but Jensen could see a smile playing at his lips.

“That’s cute, Jen. And I wouldn’t be your boss; I would definitely be your trophy husband,” he sniffed.

“Already are, babe,” Jensen cooed, slapping Jared’s ass lightly. Jared jumped in surprise.

“Jensen!” he hissed.

“What?” Jensen replied innocently. “Just getting you ready. If you plan on getting me drunk tonight then I’m gonna end up doing a lot more than that.” He winked cheekily and Jared started coughing, trying to hide his laughter and disbelief at Jensen’s words. He just ended up bringing more attention to them, though. They’d been left alone so far, but standing there in plain view and laughing loudly (both of them now) finally attracted the attention of a few people. Three squealing girls ran up to them, followed closely by a man who looked to be in his late forties.

“Hi,” he said with an apologetic smile, “uh, my daughters…” he gestured to the girls like Jared and Jensen wouldn’t know who he was talking about; he was obviously a little nervous. “They’re big fans of your show.”

“Thanks!” Jared said, taking the lead like usual.

He was almost always able to slip into his public mask and turn on his charm like it was second nature; and really, after fourteen years of doing it, it _was_ second nature, to both of them. Except Jensen’s mask was a little less goofy-charming-puppydogeyes-Greekgod and a little more grumpy-sarcastic-heykidsgetoffmylawn-man; it wasn’t always popular with the fans that were preteen girls or giggling soccer moms, but it seemed to work well with the women over the age of twenty-five who didn’t have the tendency to swoon at the sight of them, as well as the handful of guys that showed up proudly at cons or shamelessly stopped them on the street or at a bar for a picture.

“H-Hi!” the youngest one squeaked, then blushed pink at the high-pitched sound of her own voice. Jensen chuckled and crouched down so he was closer to eye-level with her. She looked to be about seven years old, but Jensen was always crap at guessing ages. She looked a little older than JJ, but not by much.

“Hi, darlin’! What’s your name?” The girl’s blush turned crimson and she suddenly became very interested in the laminate flooring that she was toeing at nervously. “I’m Jensen, and that Sasquatch up there is Jared,” he said calmly.

“My n-name’s Sammy,” she said quietly.

“Hey, Jare, did you hear that?” Jensen said as he looked up, “She said her name is Sammy! That’s a pretty good, name, you know?” Jensen turned back to the girl, who had finally looked up. “It’s the name of my favorite character on TV,” he whispered, like it was a secret just between them.

“But Sammy is Jared’s character!” she said in surprise, one hand pointing at Jared and the other one covering her mouth that was hanging open. Her eyes were wide in wonder and Jensen immediately liked her. She was smart enough to separate the actors from their characters (hell, even some people four times her age had trouble with that), but she was young enough to be awed by something as simple as Jensen saying that Jared’s character—not his own—was his favorite.

“Yes, he is,” Jensen nodded before standing up. He knees were starting to ache a little. Jensen blamed it on the position he’d been in and not his age. No, it was _definitely_ not his age, nope. “Who is your favorite character,” he asked, looking towards the two other girls as well to draw them into the conversation.

“I like Crowley!” another girl, probably the oldest judging by the cell phone sticking out of the pocket of her shorts; neither of the other girls seemed to have one.

“Crowley, huh?” Jared said, one eyebrow raised. The girl sputtered as she realized that she had just told the two stars of Supernatural that her favorite character on the show was neither Sam nor Dean. Her mouth gaped open as stuttered, “Umm—I m-mean, uh…”

“I like Crowley, too,” Jared jumped in. “He’s pretty funny.” She nodded in agreement, so Jared continued. “I like how, even though he’s a bad guy, he actually does a lot of good things.”

“Uh huh,” the girl nodded enthusiastically. “And even though he’s supposed to be enemies with Sam and Dean he actually secretly thinks of them as his best friends!” Jared laughed and Jensen smiled; it never failed to amaze him how many of their younger fans were able to provide such in-depth analyses of the show.

“I completely understand why Crowley is your favorite,” Jensen agreed, hoping to further validate the girl’s opinion. (Validation was something he learned in therapy; he was surprised to find it useful in such a random conversation, and he made a mental note to send his therapist a “You told me so!” card when they got home.)

The girl beamed up at Jensen, happy that he and Jared weren’t upset with her. In fact, Jensen really only got angry with fans for doing one of two things: asking Jared about his depression, essentially using him as their personal therapist; or asking about ships. And god, it was _always_ fucking Destiel; honestly, if Jensen never heard that term again it would still be too soon. Not like he wanted to be asked about WIncest either; but… _come on_. He was in love with Jared, so the idea of their _characters_ being in love wasn’t exactly hard to swallow; it actually kind of made sense. He pushed the rambling thoughts to the back of his mind and focused on the conversation again.

“What’s your name?” Jensen asked.

“Natalia. Or Nat, or Natty, or Talia, or sometimes my family calls me Lollipop—uh, I mean, just Nat is fine.”

“Nice to meet you, Nat,” Jared said. He turned to the third girl, the only one who hadn’t said a word yet. “And what’s your name?” She gulped audibly—almost comically—and Jensen had to suppress a laugh. He wasn’t making fun of her, really he just found it endearing, but she might not get that and Jensen didn’t want to make her feel bad or embarrassed, even by accident.

“Charlotte,” she said so quietly that Jensen only understood her because he managed to read her lips.

“Charlotte?” he asked, just to verify. She nodded.

“Uh huh. But most people call me Sharly,” she added; this time her voice was loud enough that Jensen could hear what she said.

“Hi, Sharly,” Jensen said. “Hey, did you watch the season where the brothers got to meet God and his sister?”

“Yeah, I liked that one,” she said. “Sam and Dean didn’t lie to each other or hide things. And they hugged a lot!” She smiled proudly, and Jensen actually did laugh this time.

“That’s very true,” he said. He had meant to ask her if she remembered the name God went by, how his last name was so similar to her nickname, but the moment had passed. Besides, what she had said was way more interesting. There was a short lull in the conversation so their dad quickly introduced himself.

“I’m Lou,” he said. “It’s really nice to meet you. When the girls started watching your show, my wife and I decided to watch it with them, since we weren’t sure about…”

“Yeah, we totally understand,” Jared said. “It can be a little…” he waved his hand vaguely in front of him to get the point across.

“Right,” Lou continued. “But, uh, we ended up getting addicted to it as well. So now it’s kind of a family bonding night. I guess most families play Clue or go out to eat at a restaurant, but…” he shrugged. “Hopefully it won’t scar them too much,” he deadpanned. Both Jensen and Jared laughed at that. Jensen glanced down at the guy’s daughters then looked back up.

“Hey, if they’re already able to differentiate between us and our characters, I think they’ll be just fine.”

“Yeah,” Lou agreed, looking fondly at the three girls. “So, we actually just came over to ask for a picture, sorry we kept you here for…oh geez, ten minutes. Wow, yeah. Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine,” Jared waved the apology off. “It’s so crazy, almost surreal, every time we meet fans that weren’t even born when the series started airing. Makes us hope that people will still enjoy it years from now.”

“I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that one bit,” Lou assured them, “especially if you make a movie.” He winked as his daughters gasped in excitement.

“Oh my god, are you gonna?!” Nat almost yelled. “That would be awesome! I would go see it at least twice. No, probably more! And then when it came out I would ask for it for Christmas, and I bet Sharly and Sammy would get their own copies as well! Ooooooh, please _please_ make a movie! No, make two! Wait, actually three is a better number, right? Yeah, make three!!” Nat was jumping up and down at this point, hanging on to Jensen’s forearm (the one not holding the basket). Her excitement was contagious, and he laughed loudly as the two other girls also crowed around him and Jared and began jumping up and down and squealing out “Please!” “Pretty please!” “You have to, you just _have_ to!” “If you don’t I might die!” “That would be so awesome! Well, not Sharly dying, just if you made a movie!!”.

“Okay, okay, you guys are going to suffocate them!” Lou said, pulling the girls back gently, reigning them in at almost superhuman speed. “We have to go in a minute,” he told them, “so if you keep attacking them then you won’t have time for a picture.” All three girls gasped collectively and Lou glanced back and Jared and Jensen. “Is it okay if they get a picture?” he whispered.

“Of course,” Jensen said. “Okay, c’mere you three.” They hurried back over and Jensen set his basket down just in time for Sharly to jump into his arms. “Oh, wow, okay. Hang on, let me…” He trailed off as the girls arranged themselves not around him and Jared but more like _on_ them. Jared had also dropped his basket and he was holding Sammy in one arm. Not wanting to leave out Nat, Jensen tucked his free arm under her armpit while Jared did the same, and they lifted her up so she was hovering three feet off the ground, a huge smile on her face.

“Awesome,” she said.

“Weirdest photo op ever,” Jared muttered with a smile.

“More like _best_ photo op ever,” Jensen replied, then faced the camera as Lou counted down from three and quickly took four pictures, just in case one of them was blurry or someone had their eyes closed. Jensen lowered himself down so he could set both Sharly and Nat firmly back on the ground.

“Thank you!” they said in unison, giving him and Jared quick but tight hugs.

“Seriously, thank you,” Lou added.

“Our pleasure,” Jared said genuinely. Lou smiled at them one last time while the girls grinned and waved, then they turned and walked off towards the exit.

“Whew.” Jensen let out a breath. “They were…energetic.”

“But so worth it,” Jared added. Jensen couldn’t agree more.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They went through the check-out as fast as possible then hurried out of the store and through the parking lot to the truck. The stowed the three shopping bags in the back of the cab and hopped inside, Jensen driving this time. After they were all buckled in and Jensen made sure a decent song was playing softly from the radio (music was an essential part of driving, okay?), he turned right onto the street and Jared pulled out his phone and began fiddling with it. Jensen figured Jared was checking some social media, something he himself didn’t care much about but Jared enjoyed it, he liked being able to interact directly with his fans, especially after last year when Jensen had urged Jared to change the passwords for all of his accounts so that no one else would have access to them.

They were only a few minutes away from the hotel when Jared broke the silence.

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” he said loudly, making Jensen jerk in surprise and almost swerve into the curb.

“What?” he asked, momentarily irritated by Jared’s outburst.

“Holy fuck, Jen,” Jared choked. “They, uh…oh, shit…”

“Jared, spit it out,” Jensen snapped with worry.

“Someone got a picture of you. In the store.”

“So?” Jensen asked. “That’s not a big deal—“

“ _Jensen_. I mean, they got a picture of you with—um, holding a bottle of l-lube…” Jensen froze at Jared’s words, thankful that the street he was on was straight and mostly empty. He tried to process what Jared had just said, but he needed to see for himself.

“Lemme see it.” He held his hand out and Jared placed the phone in his palm. Jensen glanced at the road before looking down at the phone. Someone had tweeted the picture (of course) and captioned it, “Looks like @jensenackles has a fun night planned with @jarpad”. He handed the phone back to Jared without a word.

“Jen?” Jared said carefully. Jensen shook his head silently as he pulled into the hotel parking garage. They got from their car to their room without seeing anyone except the concierge, who simply glanced at them without interest before his eyes dropped back down to whatever was laid out on the desk.

They stepped inside their room and Jensen took the bags to the kitchenette, putting the cream and a few other items in the mini fridge but leaving everything else out on the counter. He paced back and forth in front of Jared.

“Jensen—“ Jared tried again, and Jensen snapped.

“Fuck this! Fuck all of this!” He turned to face Jared and held out his hands. “Jay, we’ve spent _so many fucking years_ trying to hide and I’m sick of it! And why are we even doing it now? We don’t have to worry about ex-wives or the show being cancelled or…” His walked to Jared and wrapped himself tightly around him, finally ready to let go of all the pent-up frustration and fear and sorrow.

“I want to go out tonight,” Jensen mouthed into Jared’s skin, “I want to go to the most crowded bar in the city, okay? I want to hold your hand and buy you shots and kiss the tequila off your lips, and I want people to see us and take photos and videos and put them online for the world to see. I want everyone to know, Jay. I want everyone to know everything.”

Jared just kissed Jensen’s temple and whispered, “’Bout goddamn time.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So that’s exactly what they did for the next two weeks: they went out, surrounded by strangers and fans and lots of drunk people, and they flaunted their love shamelessly. They decided against a press release, figuring that the hundreds of photos and videos of them that had flooded the internet was the only statement they needed.

They did, however, make an appointment at one of the nicest jewelry stores in town. The store closed early to allow Jared and Jensen the time and space to shop around without worrying about people freaking out. When they stepped out of the store, each one carrying a small box holding the other’s ring in his pocket, dozens of people were gathered on the sidewalk waiting for them; there were so many people yelling questions that, even if he’d wanted to, Jensen couldn’t have understood a single one well enough to answer.

They hopped into a waiting cab which took them straight to a restaurant; it was small and casual and known only to the locals. Years ago, Jensen and Jared had stumbled upon it by chance; it was their first time at ComicCon and they’d gotten lost walking around the city; every year after that, they made sure to stop by the restaurant at least once before leaving San Diego. They’d never been bothered there, not once, and today was no different.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They left California after two weeks, making the drive back to Austin in one (long) day; they were both anxious to get home and see their children and finally start their life together, the life they were worried they’d never be able to live.

Less than three weeks after returning to Texas (they’d decided to make the Lake Austin house their permanent home), the doorbell rang. Jensen answered it to a man dressed in blue and holding out a small tablet; he had fleeting déjà vu of two summers ago when his finalized divorce papers had been delivered in the exact same manner.

Well, all of _that_ was finally over and done with, thank god, and now Jensen was itching with curiosity as he signed the screen and took the box that they delivery guy was holding out to him. It wasn’t very big; actually, it was almost exactly the same size as the boxes that the Supernatural scripts were sometimes delivered in.

“Jay!” he called out, and Jared came tumbling partway down the stairs, skin still damp from a shower and dressed only in athletic shorts. Jensen froze at the sight of his fiancé (god, he loved being able to use that word), letting his gaze fall down Jared’s naked chest, pausing at his noticeable bulge underneath the flimsy material of the shorts before working its way back up to Jared’s face.

“Not very subtle, Jen.”

“Good. I wasn’t trying to be.” Jared chewed on his lip, trying to bite back a smile. “Anyways, we just got something.” Jensen held out the package and Jared jumped down the last four steps.

“You didn’t open it?”

“Uh, just got it like five seconds ago, Jay.” Jared took the box from Jensen and walked into the kitchen; he opened a drawer and rummaged through it before pulling out a box cutter.

“Let’s crack this thing open.” He said, then paused when the blade was just millimeters away from the taped edge and looked up at Jensen. “Why do I feel weirdly excited about this?” Jensen shrugged but could feel his own skin tingling in anticipation.

“I dunno but I do too, so hurry up and open it!” Jared didn’t need to be told twice; the knife cut cleanly through the tape, across two edges then down the center. Jensen pulled out what was obviously a thick stack of paper that was wrapped in unmarked brown paper. He tore the outer layer off and dropped the stack of paper—a script, actually, and there was two of them—on the countertop.

“Oh my god,” Jensen said breathlessly as he read the short note written on a post-it and stuck to the front page.

_You boys interested? –Eric_

That was all it said, and Jared pulled the note off so they could read what was underneath, what Eric could possibly think they’d be interested in.

_Supernatural: The Movie_

Oh.

Okay then.

“Yessss,” Jared hissed as he grabbed one of the scripts. He looked at Jensen, a glint in his eyes.

“Those little shits,” Jensen said fondly. “The writers had this planned the whole time!” Just then, Jared’s phone rang, Eric’s name flashing on the screen.

“Eric,” Jared said, immediately putting the phone on speaker.

“Did you get it?!” Eric asked excitedly. “What do you think? Is it a yes?? Tell me you’ll do it! I’ve been—”

“Eric!” Jensen cut in; the guy would talk himself to death if you let him.

“Jensen, Jared,” Eric replied after a minute, his voice much calmer; but it was still Eric, and Eric was always amped up. If Jensen hadn’t known the guy for as long and as well as he did, he’d swear up and down that Eric was permanently high. “What do you say? Yes??”

“No, Eric. _Hell. Yes_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I have a companion piece to this story (from Jared's pov, though it will be much shorter) as well as a sequel that I have already started working on. So if you enjoyed this story, stay tuned for the next two!


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